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Simple Writing Tips: A Thread
1) Writing while naked is absolutely morally impermissible. Don't even joke about doing it
Nobody consented to having to imagine your exposed genitals when thinking about your writing process. Cover up - at a bare minimum a long-sleeved shirt and full-length skirt/pants
Nobody consented to having to imagine your exposed genitals when thinking about your writing process. Cover up - at a bare minimum a long-sleeved shirt and full-length skirt/pants
2) Writing at night with the lights on wastes electricity and increases your carbon footprint, hastening climate change. Please write only during daylight hours, with your monitor turned to its lowest possible brightness
3) When using German words, do not remove the umlaut over vowels, as this changes the pronunciation and meaning of the word. Leave it in place or add the letter e after the vowel if your character set does not allow it
Also learn the difference between an "umlaut" and "diaresis"
Also learn the difference between an "umlaut" and "diaresis"
4) When writing for a broadcast television series, remember that a "half-hour" sitcom is a misnomer, and traditionally leaves time for commercial breaks and station identification
If you write a script that actually takes a half-hour to perform, it will have to be cut for time
If you write a script that actually takes a half-hour to perform, it will have to be cut for time
5) If you spell the word "maneuver" as "manoeuvre", you are a regressive transphobe unworthy of the community's trust
6) Brightly colored streaks look best as a contrast against darker shades of hair
Pink streaks in blonde hair look like a washed-out or incomplete dye job, especially in bright sunlight, and this is unattractive
Pink streaks in blonde hair look like a washed-out or incomplete dye job, especially in bright sunlight, and this is unattractive
7) When your protagonist reacts to someone dropping a silent-but-deadly fart wave in a tense public situation, it is unnecessary to have them verbally react
Having them simply make an involuntary facial expression while remaining politely silent is much funnier
Having them simply make an involuntary facial expression while remaining politely silent is much funnier
8) When writing a character being "sucked into" a video game, having them literally be pulled through the screen is a visual metaphor that became outdated as soon as Captain N: the Game Master did it
Do not insult your audience by pretending this is how it would happen
Do not insult your audience by pretending this is how it would happen
9) If the only Jewish character in your work of fiction is Jewish by patrilineal descent, works in the hospitality industry and prominently uses an Android phone, you are a pedophile
10) If the only acknowledgement of real-world electoral politics in your work of fiction is a joking reference to the Obama/Biden campaign slogan "Yes We Can!", and your story takes place in the United States without specifying which state or city, you are a pedophile
11) If the only use of a real-life brand name in your work of fiction is the name of a brand of sneakers, and this name brand is used to characterize a teenage character as vain and obsessed with impractical consumer trends, you are a pedophile
12) If the only character in your work of fiction who speaks French is a thinly-veiled parody of explorer and conservationist Jacques Cousteau, who exists to enable your side plot about searching for a cryptid in your setting's local body of water, you are a pedophile
13) If the only character in your work of fiction who owns a pet owns a dog, and the dog is only mentioned once in passing and is never described in further detail nor does their dog ownership play any role in the story, you are a pedophile
14) Disk defragmentation utilities, while they were once a key tool in improving performance in aging systems, became increasingly less important as file systems improved over time and for a modern SSD are irrelevant
15) When writing an episode of Seinfeld that takes place entirely inside a parking garage, any punchline you have written for the end of the episode when they finally find their car and drive out of the parking spot will be less funny than the car simply failing to start
16) Don't you dare screenshot me on Twitter
If you have something to say about me say it to my face, you cowardly motherfucker
If you have something to say about me say it to my face, you cowardly motherfucker
17) Kenny Bania is just not a great character
They don't know what the joke with him really is, and the core bit where he's too enthusiastic and in-your-face is done better by other characters
Also I just don't really care for the actor
They don't know what the joke with him really is, and the core bit where he's too enthusiastic and in-your-face is done better by other characters
Also I just don't really care for the actor
18) When a character miraculously revives from death or near-death, their sudden inhalation of breath as they painfully jerk back into consciousness is spelled "Ahuuuoooahhh", not just "Huuuoooahhh"
The leading A is necessary
The leading A is necessary
19) Don't fucking lock your account on Twitter then head over to your other account on Instagram or Facebook or whatever with screenshots to complain about the thread
You think people can't tell you're doing that? You think we're not all on the same Internet? Listen you little f
You think people can't tell you're doing that? You think we're not all on the same Internet? Listen you little f
20) The letters q, x and z are well known for being uncommon in the English language
If you go out of your way to use words that begin with these letters, your language will seem stilted and unnatural to the typical reader
Try to keep use of these letters to a realistic level
If you go out of your way to use words that begin with these letters, your language will seem stilted and unnatural to the typical reader
Try to keep use of these letters to a realistic level
21) A carburetor and a fuel injection system are two completely different mechanisms for the same goal of creating a combustible fuel/air mixture
A car's engine can only have one or the other
Pick one when describing your protagonist's car, and for God's sake keep it consistent
A car's engine can only have one or the other
Pick one when describing your protagonist's car, and for God's sake keep it consistent
22) It is never necessary to write a character who is a natural redhead
You can do so if you want, but be aware we will be checking your author photo for your own hair color, and we will know whether this is self-insertion or nonconsensually involving the reader in your fetish
You can do so if you want, but be aware we will be checking your author photo for your own hair color, and we will know whether this is self-insertion or nonconsensually involving the reader in your fetish
23) Characters who have graduated from college should not have living grandparents
24) If your work of fiction is divided into chapters that have individual titles, the one titled "The Beginning of the End" should come BEFORE the one titled "The End of the Beginning"
If you do it in the other order, you are a fascist Trump supporter
If you do it in the other order, you are a fascist Trump supporter
25) The idea that you can only flip meat once when grilling and doing so more than once is somehow harmful is a superstition not based in science
If you feel it's easier to judge the final temperature of a steak by flipping it multiple times, don't let anyone tell you not to
If you feel it's easier to judge the final temperature of a steak by flipping it multiple times, don't let anyone tell you not to
26) A time machine or teleporter should either be an enclosed structure or have a distinctly visible dome-shaped field showing is exactly what is and isn't transported, rather than leaving it to the reader to assume such a dangerous technology operates heuristically
27) If your character is a shapeshifter whose clothes conveniently change with them when they go from human to animal form, and they then have sexual intercourse in animal form, thus technically fully clothed, you should be arrested and thrown in prison for corruption of minors
28) If you are a television producer at NBC, and the writers of Mad About You write an episode that establishes that Kramer is canonically Paul's subletter, do not allow the Seinfeld writers to then establish that Mad About You is a fictional show in Seinfeld's universe
29) While the use of periods is considered optional to end sentences on social media and texting, you will have a somewhat difficult time getting your manuscript read if you do not use periods in a work of fiction intended for professional consumption
