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Lessons after death, a thread. A month ago life was turned on its head, I lost my mum to suicide. I want to share some lessons I have learnt/am learning, as this never gets talked about until it happens. Some tweets may be triggering for: domestic abuse, suicide, mental illness
1a. Supporting someone through their mental health illness is the most exhausting carer-role you can take on. As a carer do all you can to support yourself through the experience. Ensure the person is receiving all the professional help possible but also seek professional ...
1b. ...help yourself. There are plenty of organisations which can help spread the load of supporting the mentally ill person. Involvement from them helps reduce the ‘what if’ feeling.
2a. Talk to your family about death, prepare for their death and your death. Even in situations unrelated to age and illness be sure to know their/your wishes. You can die when you least expect it. Write down all your assets and important information, because if the paperwork ...
2b. ...isn’t accessible it’s extremely difficult for the family to navigate the situation. What you don’t realise is, whatever info you hold in your brain isn’t accessible once you die.
3a. Navigating life after finding out someone close to you has died is extremely overwhelming. The simplest of tasks become impossible, like making phone call… after phone call… after phone call. You end up relying on lists for absolutely everything...
3b. ... And do just that, to take the pressure off your brain to remember all these things.
4a. The amount of support which comes your way is unimaginable. But again, overwhelming. For days on end my phone would be non-stop pinging. It’s hard to turn it off because all these people care so much. But it is important to turn it off so you can just stop...
4b. ... talking about it and repeating yourself over and over.
5. Invest in sleep spray/ aroma diffusers to help you sleep at night. Despite having many voluntary sleepless nights during uni, the insomnia which comes alongside death is unbelievable at a time when you have no energy to be awake.
6. Find an outlet to speak about traumatic dreams which occur in the days, weeks, months and years following. My brain has always processed things in a very cruel and vivid way whilst I’m asleep. But i can't keep these to myself, i have to dump them elsewhere.
7. Aside from the expected sadness, recognise the negative effects trauma has on your everyday mental processes and emotion i.e PTSD symptoms and defence mechanisms. Seek help, at any point, may it be one week, month or year after the death - protect yourself as much as possible.
8. Suicide is shockingly textbook sequence of events. Obviously not for everyone. But the majority of information you can access about supporting someone who is suicidal or has committed suicide was exactly how my situation panned out – down to exact quotes my mum said to me.
9a. Following suicide, most people expect you to have a feeling of guilt or ‘what if’ but I didn’t have that. Maybe due to acceptance or mum’s unique scenario or my role in the situation. Feel whatever, but there is no point in blaming yourself...
9b. ... Punishing yourself will not bring the person back to life. So make life easier for yourself and be kind to your mind.
10. Someone does not have to experience a mental health illness for a long period of time to then commit suicide. The brain is a mental mental organ which rules your life, it can do anything.
11. Planning a funeral is the most nonsense task humans have created for themselves at a time when you can’t even decide if you want a cup of tea. They are also EXPENSIVE. They are anxiety-inducing, desensitising, surreal experiences which you just go through because you have to.
12a. The feeling after the funeral is weird. Not only sad, but happy. Because that awful, dreaded day is out the way. The relief of not feeling the uncertainty of how you’re going to cope on the day. There’s a huge sense of ‘well… do we just get on with life now’...
12b. ... You do, life carries on. And you can't feel guilty for that.
13a. Knowing when to return to work/studies is a huge battle in your mind because one day you feel ready and the next you don’t. You don’t want to take on too much, you don’t want to move on too quick, you don’t want to sit and be sad forever. Your brain bats you from pillar ...
13b. ...to post, it gets to a point when you just have to make a decision then roll with it. Use the support from your Uni/Workplace because this is something everyone will understand – the worst imaginable event.
14a. Suicide different to any other kind of death because in some situations it can be expected but in others it is unforeseen. I was preparing myself for the worst, but also not wanting to think it would happen. I was accepting that if it did happen it was a choice, but ...
14b. ...also wishing that there were other solutions. I lost my best friend to terminal cancer, which was completely different because that wasn’t a choice and it wasn’t sudden. There was a preparation and acceptance phase before he died. This time it's all after.
15. Mental health needs to be treated like physical health. In some cases it can be a terminal illness, but it isn’t treated with that seriousness until someone is sectioned. Because the illness is in someone’s mind people think there are always solutions – there aren’t.
16a. People need to stop promoting the solution to mental health problems as ‘check in with your mates’, as if people don’t do that and more can be done to prevent someone from committing suicide. Someone can have all the support in the world and still feel completely alone and..
16b. ... helpless inside their head. The future doesn’t exist. Stop putting the onus on everyone else to do more, and don’t assume they aren’t being supported. Of course, as decent human beings you should be caring for friends and family and checking in with them...
16c. ... but that simple task alone does not cure mental illness. It can be way deeper and more sinister than a simple chat. Because in between the chats there are alone times.
17a. Dealing with assets/estate/probate when you have had no previous experience of death or responsibility after death is extremely daunting. The internet takes you round and round in circles. Start somewhere and some helpful humans may aid the process. But there are also a ...
17b. ... lot of unhelpful insensitive humans. As a SLT I realise the world is not automatically set up for those with SLCN But now more than ever I realise just how inaccessible the world is.
18a. Domestic abuse happens. Read about it. Know the signs. Use the helplines. Use the police. Report anything that puts your mental health at risk. Claire’s Law exist – read about it. People commit suicide because of domestic abuse, do not consider it lightly...
18b. ... People may not intend to be domestic abusers, but they still are. And even when they’re told they’re doing wrong, they will not stop. Domestic abusers are too arrogant to think they play any part in any problem.
19a. Everything everyone says about losing parents is true. But you don’t actually get it until it happens to you. You can lose other family and friends, but the actual fact that your carer (assuming your parent cared for you) is suddenly not a carer anymore is extremely ...
19b. ... daunting. Even though I’m 23 and I don’t need to be parented and have been socially and financially independent for years, I still feel abandoned.
