a reminder I just had to give myself, maybe helpful for you too: even with better resources than I’ve had in years, having done a shitton of hard work, mental health is a difficult thing to maintain when you have a bad brain to start with & then there is the stress of this year

I’m in a Very Large Depression right now, am maintaining and trying to keep things up but the weight of this year, especially losing seven whole people I cared about over the course of the year, just flattened me

it’s ok to fucking let yrself feel this shit and recognize it for what it is and work with it instead of run away from it. this is what I keep telling myself

obviously there is all the ambient stress - police brutality and the surveillance state and the piss-poor response of the gov’t at all levels to covid, the economic worries of everyone around me, my own stress over money

and then there is losing these friends and losing frankie and not being able to get back to see my parents, who are thankfully in good health but are well into their 70s, or my wife who lives across the country, or ... you know. all of it

add that to a brain that’s been damaged by experiencing repeated physical violence and has a natural predisposition to depression and anxiety anyway, add a healthy dose of isolation, and I’m ... Not Doing Good