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I am going to write a cookbook for the reluctant and inept covid-19 chef called Let's Get This Shit Over With and make millions.
Recipe 1: if you slice cheese and put it on bread you can get enough calories to not die
Recipe 2: breakfast for dinner, specifically breakfast cereal
Recipe 3: you can bake chocolate chip cookies in 10 minutes and eat enough of them that you don't want dinner
Recipe 4: steamed broccoli, covered in butter. That's the whole meal.
Recipe 5: one of the cheese-stuffed pastas, boiled for 7 minutes and then dump a jar of ragu on top.
Recipe 6: some protein bars you found in the cupboard, garnished with shame.
Recipe 7: cheese and bread again but this time you toast the bread and melt the cheese on it and pretend this is cooking
Recipe 8: fry some sausages, boil some pasta, throw in a bunch of heavy cream and a TON of mustard.
In case it is not clear these are all actually things we've been doing for dinner for the last 10 months. I'm not proud but nor am I ashamed.
Recipe 9: try to cook burger patties from frozen, completely fuck it up, eat burned burgers in buns with enough cheese and mustard to mask it.
Recipe 10: what if we just bought a huge bag of cheese and onion potato chips and skipped dinner
Recipe 11: Amy's bowls, seasoned with a total abdication of responsibility
Recipe 12: if you throw enough chopped-up things into water and boil them eventually the result is technically soup, maybe a stew?
Recipe 13: scrambled eggs with enough butter to shock your doctor
Recipe 14: there is a whole pack of bacon in the fridge and your vegetarian fiancé is not home. Go.
Recipe 15: recipe 5 but you're out of ragu so just throw some butter and a random selection of spices from the rack, paprika goes with everything
Recipe 16: peanut butter and jelly sandwich
Recipe 17: did you know you can just buy a frozen pizza and heat it up and it tastes like 3-day old pizza?
Recipe 18: muffins packed with enough cheese and herbs that they can barely maintain structural integrity
Recipe 19: pretzels with cheese sauce.
Honestly that one is pretty good, but I'm beginning to understand what percentage of our caloric intake is just cheese.
Recipe 20: chop vegetables into small pieces, throw them in a bowl, add salad dressing. You'll feel virtuous and then an hour later you'll make a grilled cheese.
Recipe 21: if you add enough curry to anything you heat up eventually it turns into curry. Serve over rice. Don't use brown rice it takes FOREVER.
Recipe 22: a mushroom cream risotto with spring vegetables and a balsamic reduction JUST KIDDING a whole pack of triscuits and a whole tub of Philadelphia cream cheese
Recipe 23: fry some onions, steam some vegetables, chop them up and fry them with enough soy sauce to kill a horse, call it a stir fry
Are the new followers gone yet?
