Read on Twitter
The transcript of this imaginary TechTalk definitely not presented by @GSAEmily is shocking. Not as shocking as what she's actually doing, but still . . .
THREAD:
THREAD:
"I’m Emily Murphy. Welcome to my TechTalk titled: 'Ascertainment (What is it good for—absolutely nothing).'
Have you ever had to ascertain something? I mean really ascertain it? Do you ascertain that my name is Emily Murphy because you heard me say that?"
Have you ever had to ascertain something? I mean really ascertain it? Do you ascertain that my name is Emily Murphy because you heard me say that?"
"Well, that’s hearing, not ascertaining.
Ascertainment requires a particular set of skills. And therein lies the problem."
Ascertainment requires a particular set of skills. And therein lies the problem."
"You see, I’m the Administrator of the General Services Administration. I’m not the Administrator of the Particular Services Administration. That’s why it’s so unfair for you to expect me to ascertain the President-elect."
"Look, I know there’s a law that says my job is to ascertain the apparent President-elect. But nowhere in that law does it say that Joe Biden is the President-elect. And that law was written by, like, 100 Senators."
"If even they don’t know, how would I know? I’m just one lone person in charge of a $23 billion annual operating budget.
I have looked everywhere for the answer. I called my mom, Blaire Erskine Murphy ( @blaireerskine), at a MAGA rally."
I have looked everywhere for the answer. I called my mom, Blaire Erskine Murphy ( @blaireerskine), at a MAGA rally."
"But she only wanted to talk about Jim Acosta ( @Acosta), who I’m confident is not the President-elect.
I asked Mark Meadows if he knew who was President-elect, but he said he couldn’t hear me with my mask on and, besides, he was too busy packing up his office."
I asked Mark Meadows if he knew who was President-elect, but he said he couldn’t hear me with my mask on and, besides, he was too busy packing up his office."
"Jared and Ivanka refused to look at me when I shouted at them through the White House security fence. (I know they heard me! I ascertained that much.) It’s hard to get attention when you lead a gigantic federal agency with a generic name no one has ever heard of."
"Please know I have tried on my own to ascertain the President-elect. I have tried every way imaginable, from drinking wine in my office to reading my horoscope. I watched Hannity. I read articles about Rudy Giuliani."
"I sang show tunes for inspiration. I walked, I wept. I tried tofu (and then prayed for forgiveness). I traded DMs with both Schlapps, which I don’t recommend doing."
"I know that every major U.S.-based news network, including the conservative-leaning Fox News, has called the election for Joe Biden. So has most of the foreign press."
"Even confused people seem to know Biden won, like Hugh Hewitt and that lawyer who always testifies in Congress for Republicans (I think his name is Dan Turley).
But not everybody. Not OANN. And it’s not just political outlets like Newsmax and RT that are holding out."
But not everybody. Not OANN. And it’s not just political outlets like Newsmax and RT that are holding out."
"The experts at Consumer Reports and the unbiased tradesmen at Ratchet Fancy have not called the race. Notably, the scientists at Sky & Telescope haven’t called it either. Scientists!"
"So I think it’s clear the jury’s still out. Who am I to overrule a jury? I’m a lawyer, not a judge.
Sure. I appreciate that people could die as a result of me blocking the transition team from being able to talk to officials like Anthony Fauci."
Sure. I appreciate that people could die as a result of me blocking the transition team from being able to talk to officials like Anthony Fauci."
"I know they want to hear from the Deborah Birx formerly known as a scientist. I get that they need access to the transition resources and money Congress set aside before the pandemic when Republican Senators thought Trump would win reelection."
"But there are other considerations.
Take for example the fact that Trump could mean-tweet me."
Take for example the fact that Trump could mean-tweet me."
"Or that Rudy Giuliani could be thrown off his game at a very critical moment, such as when a judge is explaining 'strict scrutiny' to him or recommending martini bars. Indeed, there’s a lot to juggle here."
"But I AM trying. Why, just today, I checked the definitive source: you know, that dictionary blurb that comes up when you Google a word. I entered 'ascertainment' and here’s what came up: 'the process of finding something out for certain.' I can honestly say I’m not certain."
"I mean, I know, but do I know know? What even is certainty in the scheme of things? You should hear me talk sometime about epistemic notions like doubt and certainty. I could go on and on for days talking about it."
"Just talking and talking, alone, in the soul-crushing isolation of my home, where time passes slowly during the pandemic, so slowly. Just ask Ludwig Wittgenstein, who is a person whose name I heard in a philosophy class in college."
"I think Ludwig could tell you a thing or two about certainty. Probably. Or was he the logic guy? I’m not sure, but the point stands.
More importantly, I think we need to respect that the internet blurb calls ascertainment a 'process.'"
More importantly, I think we need to respect that the internet blurb calls ascertainment a 'process.'"
"And a process takes time. It’s like my mom said when I called her: 'Jim Acosta has nice hair now, but one day it could fall out if he keeps standing under chem trails on the White House lawn all day.'
Words to ponder in this trying time."
Words to ponder in this trying time."
CAUTION: These claims have been disputed by multiple sources.
Is this Emily Murphy's response?
