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Having seen some of the mlm romance writing tips going around, I too have a few to share (read: preferences informed by my personal pet peeves that should be taken with a grain of salt) a thread:
(My credentials in nutshell: I’ve worked extensively with msm sexual health programs, actively participated in a variety of queer men’s spaces as a bi transmasc person, read a lot of mlm and written it too.)
1- Men have emotions unrelated to their libido. Despite what you may have heard, men’s emotions are complicated. You have my permission to write emotionally complicated men.
2- Men often exist in environments with expectations that make these emotions difficult to recognize and articulate. Doing the difficult internal work to comprehend things you were taught “shouldn’t exist” is a genuine struggle. It is not a punchline.
3- If you think you have an intimate understanding of queer men’s subcultures because you watched a show about it I guarantee you do not. It is not more enlightened to write them “exactly like straight people.”
4- On that note, queer men’s subcultures vary greatly by class, region, ethnic background and other intersecting factors. There is no idealized one-size-fits-all “gay culture.” Research is good and important.
5- Many queer men struggle with body image and gender presentation. Take this into consideration when writing mlm with idyllic, eurocentric beauty standards.
6- Controversial but true: many queer men’s communities do have staggeringly high rates of substance abuse that can be tied back to minority stress. If you aren’t a part of one, research this before you write an “addict” character.
6- The spectre of HIV/AIDS continues to cast a shadow over many contemporary queer men’s communities. There is a lot of stigma around being HIV+ that may be worth acknowledging in your slice of life mlm.
8- If your mlm has a gay protagonist with friends who are all straight and cisgender- yes, that’s possible. But consider why this might be the case, and what pressures it may put him under.
9- Trans and non-binary people exist and take part in queer men’s communities. They have their own complicated relationship to such communities. I am once again imploring you to research.
10- There is no one way to have gay sex. Penetration isn’t everything. Not having anal sex doesn’t mean it’s “not real sex.” Watching porn, as in all other cases, will NOT give you the best info on what queer men actually do or want in the bedroom.
11- Being a woman, queer or otherwise, does not (on its own) give you unique insight into what it’s like to be a queer man. I hear this a lot. I see where you’re coming from. But please understand that you still have to do the research.
10- (cont’d) (Yes, there is a lot of absolutely brilliant mlm written by women. In fact, women dominate the genre, and have for years. Please don’t somehow twist this into assuming I don’t think women should write mlm.)
13- Writing “predatory” gay characters is HARD MODE. Abusers exist in queer men’s circles, but depicting this means treading a very fine line. If you’re not writing from personal experience, at the very least establish a rock-solid understanding of why this topic is so fraught.
14- Learn about femmephobia in queer men’s communities before writing your flamboyantly femme gay protagonist. Understand the extreme pressures visibly GNC men are under both from within and outside their own communities.
15- The vibrant mirages of rainbow capitalism do not reflect the actual lived experiences of most queer men. Discrimination against them is not “over.”
15 (cont’d) If you are writing mlm because you feel queer men “have it easy” please do some serious soul-searching, I beg of you.
16- Many immigrant queer men face dual pressures from both within and outside their ethnic minority communities. This is an immensely complicated topic. If you’re not writing about it from personal experience, tread VERY carefully.
16- (cont’d) It is extremely easy, when speaking from the outside, to fall into the trap of demonizing ethnic minority communities for homophobia while giving Western cultures (and their role in it) a pass. Don’t be that writer.
17- Drag has a long and varied history related but not synonymous to queer men’s subcultures. Don’t use drag queens as a prop in your mlm to make it seem more “authentically gay.” Research the traditions of the specific drag culture you’re writing.
18- Many queer men have a complicated relationship to drag. Some vocally disapprove of it or refuse to date drag queens. This ties back to femmephobia and other intersecting issues. Research, my friends, is important.
19- Writing a character with a trauma history is already difficult to do well. Writing a queer man whose relationship to his sexuality is closely tied to his trauma history is HARD MODE. Tread with extreme care.
19- (cont’d) Understand the history around the medicalization of queer men’s sexuality, “conversion therapy,” and violent and coercive experiences with psychiatry. Any mlm dealing with mental illness must reckon with this legacy.
19- (cont’d) And for the love of god do not conflate queer sexuality, gender-questioning or GNC gender presentation with mental illness. If your mlm has a character like this, please stop. Get some help.
