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One of the things about depression and anxiety is that therapy helps, but isn’t (at least for me) a cure. It has helped me develop tools I can use to help myself from day to day. It's like going from “syntax error” to “Have you tried reading the whole error message?”.
And yes — many of the skills & practices I’ve worked on in therapy do seem almost as straightforward as that in retrospect. It's easy to dismiss things which seem obvious. If it were so simple, I must have tried it, right? But straightforward steps aren't always easy to practice.
Much of my experience with depression & anxiety has been the mind reacting overly negatively to mild setbacks or innocuous or unlikely dangers. The tool for that is a combination of accepting & acknowledging the mind's reaction, along with calmly persuading the mind otherwise.
But it’s very difficult to persuade the mind that things are okay when you don’t actually believe it! I’ve been genuinely, rationally afraid for years. Not catastrophizing — just looking out at a rather bleak reality.
Since the election — since I heard those celebrations on Saturday morning — I've let out a breath I'd been holding in for years. It's not that everything is now safe and well. I just get to set my internal doomsday clock back to a few more minutes before midnight.
Reality changed. It got just a little bit better. The world is a smidge less dangerous. I'm less afraid for my safety since I'm trans and queer and Jewish. I can persuade the mind that things might turn out better *because I genuinely believe that they might*.
But despite that sigh of relief on Saturday, I wasn't suddenly back to being full of energy. I still felt exhausted and wrung out. Even though the relief was there, I didn't suddenly recover. What gives?
Stress and anxiety and the perception of danger aren't just circuits in your head. That tension exists throughout your body in your chemistry and in your physical reaction. When it seems like danger is imminent, the body gives 110% (not hyperbole) to escape or fight or respond.
But the crises we've been experiencing aren't ones we can easily fight or flee. We're here with our animal minds running on animal brains working with animal bodies, immersed in signals of danger, with no way to resolve those apparent threats.
My body has been tensed to run or fight on and off for months or years. And that doesn't go away over night. It's been more than a week since that relief, and I'm only just starting to feel like I'm recovering, like I have energy and agency.
My body spent through its reserves long ago — immediate reserves within days or weeks, and long term reserve capacity within about six months. Those exact numbers vary from person to person, but the general human response to prolonged crisis is reasonably consistent.
It takes a while to build that reserve back up. To get back to "normal". To feel whole again, & have the energy you're used to. It takes time even after that acute moment of relief when you see the light at the end of the tunnel — whether that's election results or vaccine news.
Celebrate that recovery, even if it feels slow or unproductive. You're working on being ready for what comes next. You're going to need that reserve. We have a long winter & spring of plague ahead before the vaccines get here. And a few months of tantrum before the new president.
Try not to be hard on yourself if you don't feel like you're bouncing back straight away. You need time to heal and recharge. And it'll feel so much better if you take joy in this moment of recovery rather than frustration in your lack of productivity.
You're not here to be productive. You're here to be a person. Celebrate rest just as you celebrate achievement. Allow yourself the time to rebuild your resilience so that you can support those around you and take care of yourself. We're not done yet, and we're going to need you.
