Thread of 100 writing rules

1) all villains are already sexy

2) try fueling your drive to write by harnessing horniness, fear, or spite

3) there are only 2 kinds of stories that humans tell: those that have huddling-for-warmth with a dark and sexy sardonic enemy and those that are bad forgettable stories no one remembers

4) swords, and sword fights, sexy sword fights

5) magic wizards make brain go happy brrrr

6) all stories must be 2nd person present perfect tense

7) if you don’t like exactly what I like, well then you really shouldn’t be a writer, should you?

8) don’t be afraid to try new things, and don’t be afraid of criticism! but also carefully study all 100 of these rules and fearfully abide by them or me n’ my buddies will absolutely go feral in your mentions for your entire creative career

9) if you’re not sure what to do, try forcing your two sexiest and rudest characters to enter a dance competition together

10) romance must never include even the slightest tension

11) make sure a villain says the words “I’m evil and I’m not sorry” so the audience will know they’re misbehaving. Sometimes the audience can’t tell because they’re dumb and horny

12) actually, maybe just never put romance in your story because one of the characters in the romance might have killed 10,000 innocent people, making them an irredeemable villain. And it’s irresponsible to get horny about that.

13) apply eyeliner to villains. Thank me later

14) protect children by refraining from writing about any adult things that might affect them and they need to navigate. Leave them to struggle in open water alone

15) children are banned from reading books by adults. They’re only allowed to read histrionic weirdly repressive tweets by people claiming to be their age peers

16) make the protagonist and antagonist marry each other

17) if there’s no conflict, people will love your story and give you lots of money and Netflix deals

18) make sure nothing you write in your conclusion matches up with anything that came earlier, on an emotional or spiritual level

19) themes are for 8th-grade book reports

20) real writers will only write from 7:32 AM to 8:07 AM daily because they know writing at any other time will anger and awaken the old gods, so they are true heroes for not writing, really,

21) if you get horny while writing about a sexy villain, you must lash yourself with 100 lashes to atone

22) all stories have: a talking crow, a mysterious snowy path, a dagger placed at a throat, and existential despair

23) if a character makes a mistake and they aren’t immediately ritualistically slaughtered to feed feelings of vengeance in your audience then that means you the writer should be in hell jail

24) (real writing tip) there are these ancient cheap portable keyboards called Alphasmarts that can’t get on the internet. They’re good to take on trips to draft with, bc no distractions and the screens are so tiny you CAN’T stop and edit. Their batteries last months

25) make sure there’s a bible’s space of distance between all your characters at all times

26) all finales must have a solar eclipse and a cursed wizard being kissed

27) connect your hot characters psychically so their very thoughts and souls align, then layer on the tension and antagonism of one of them being a bad guy, and then tell your audience that they must not fap because I don’t personally like that in a story

28) apply cheez-whiz

29) make sure you don’t outline your story because all authors write without outlines (I can’t believe this was an actual real rule on that other list, I’m still laughing)

30) if in your story, Death appears as a handsome youth, they must, and I can’t stress this enough, be kissed

31) make sure your LGBT characters don’t experience anything remotely interesting or portray anything but the most shallow acceptable sliver of human experience

32) try being patronizing toward your audience

33) villains bad. heroes good

34) if it’s past Labor Day, your villain isn’t redeemable

35) the following fictional Magics are Inherently bad in all stories: mind reading, telekinetic stabbing, blowing up several planets, casting Lightning 3 on innocent children (on guilty children it’s fine), teleporting on private property

36) if your writing doesn’t instantly tickle my pickle, you’ve done evil to me with your own two hands

37) If a character does a boo-boo, they must die or else what’s the point? When will my bloodlust ever be quenched?????

38) try making your sexy villain and hero reluctantly team up to fight a bigger evil, and also they must have an awkward tense road trip on the way, where they tentatively open to each other like tender flowers

39) one of us always tells the truth, and one of us always lies. one door leads to good story, the other leads to bad. You may only ask one question to learn the correct door. (spoilers the correct door is the one labeled “long white-haired sexy villains”)

40) DON’T compare your characters to each other. Your hero is NOTHING like that heinous evil villain, and comparisons and foils can add absolutely nothing to your story

41) toe this exact line and you’ll be fine

42) metaphors aren’t real, they can’t hurt you

43) everything is literal and real. Remember if a character stabs someone else, it’s exactly the same as if they stabbed ME in the flesh space

44) if a character is actually redeemable, they’ll simply have chosen never to do anything wrong to begin with

45) space ship go vroom, gun go pew pew

46) the villain can’t be the main character, no, stop it, you can’t do that, you’re not allowed, stop!!!!!

47) why must you travel so far from the light on your path toward horny shadowy corners, you lost lamb

48) if your villain does bad thing, that’s bad. Nothing interesting should have been allowed to happen. You as the author had the power to stop this bad thing from happening, yet you didn’t. So you’re really the villain then

49) the villain falls in love, please

50) study the 3-act structure intently. And throw it out because conflict is immoral

51) sexual awakening? As a story in and of itself? Sounds fake. (shoves thousands and thousands of romance novels into the open fire)

52) That villain just felt a little too sassy to be redeemed. Idk :/

53) Isn’t the best story just two good friends happily walking through a peaceful forest and then they get home, the end? Think about it

54) The villain had a reason for doing what they did? For some reason, that absolutely makes me froth in rage, more than if they were one-dimensional

55) NO empathy. NO understanding. NO second chances, even in the infinite potential of fiction, the endless expanse of the human heart and imagination. This cruel and instant judgment makes me a good person.

56) why did you make the villain do a GOOD thing. Now I’m morally CONFUSED, I can’t distinguish right and wrong, you’ve stolen my compass

57) tiny dragon familiar

58) sexy tense conversation over tea with the evil king

59) vulnerable magical tattoos

60) why doesn’t your sexy villain sing seductively like the Goblin King in Labyrinth

61) wait a little before editing anything so you can see it with fresh eyes. J/K your work is morally flawless so why would it need editing?

62) no real art ever had sex in it

63) people liking different things in fiction? No, false. There is only the Pure and the Unpure. And it just so happens that I’m the one who decides which is which

64) lucky, too, that I could instruct you on purity, all leading up to the part where I try to make you swallow actual TERF shit lol. Swallow, swallow! This is all pure

65) I don’t have any ulterior motive, I simply have a direct line to what is Pure. Learn and study at my feet, consider joining my pyramid scheme

66) consider contrasting Light and Darkness, but don’t allow it to be as sexy as it inherently is

67) if a story is about a character transforming their heart and behavior, that’s too bad cause I saw them be mean at the beginning :/

68) touch-starved characters

69) nice

70) no, wait, not nice. Sex is bad,

71) Inns only have one bed

72) when you write a sex scene, remember it’s impossible to communicate interesting characterization details by showing how a character responds to intimacy and vulnerability, so there’s never anything to gain with writing sex, keep the Maker in your hearts

73) perhaps when a wizard casts a spell, a sudden breeze should lift their hair like in Studio Ghibli, as a treat

74) don’t question me. I have perfect taste, and I’m far more powerful than you, writing wise, and creatively speaking. I have charisma and 1000 hours in criticizing creators on the online. No I’ve never published, I don’t see how that’s relevant. Stick to the topic

75) If you don’t ever actually create anything, your unwritten book just floats perfectly, morally flawless and immune from criticism in the ur-space, making you the greatest and most pure writer in the world

76) list of things that make a villain unredeemable:

1) when I find them unattractive, physically-wise
2) they cause any kind of plot tension or difficulty

77) you’re legally obligated to end your show or movie by having your characters break out in a 4th wall-breaking dance number with music that will seem dated in a decade, (real advice)

78) that thing when the antagonist watches everything the hero does from a secret vantage point, and then at the end confrontation the antagonist unrolls a whole scroll of notes and reads the hero for filth about all the morally questionable stuff they did in the story

79) if a marginalized character makes a mistake, that can’t be because you want them to help portray the entire range of human experience, developing your themes using their complex flaws. it’s always just problematic tbh. Make them be the bland Good Example Character instead :)

80) don’t write yourself. it’s way easier to fight people who do write. lots of serotonin to be had, in the endless fight online

81) make sure you have a minion follow your villain around, like the guy with the coconuts in Monty python, except instead of coconuts the minion is a chorus that keeps interrupting to tell the audience “the author does NOT condone this evil villain’s actions”

82) Georges Polti once said that there are 36 possible plots. That’s wrong, because there’s only one plot: fake dating

83) if your protagonist isn’t cool with just extrajudicially chopping a villain’s head off, doesn’t that make... the hero the real villain? *taps forehead where only the biggest brain thoughts are spawned*

84) there are two wolves inside you... they want to kiss

85) Throughout your writing career, you’re allowed to use 13 semicolons, so think about where you really want to put them

86) I didn’t choose to be a fancop, I was chosen. I’m just here to help, I don’t get a self-righteous rush from any of this

87) this trend of empathizing with villains scares me cause everyone knows they’re there just to get punished and killed, not to make us think about ourselves as mistake-making humans

88) always constantly think about what I would think of your writing choices. My opinion is the only one. You create your best artwork in the space where you feel pressured and afraid

89) gentle scar touching

90) there are only four types of characters: witches, gravediggers, princesses, and clowns

91) your women readers, in their helpless lust for villains, don’t understand basic morality, so make sure to preach to them

92) just let the sad evil man find happiness, cause if he can do it, surely we can also do it

93) if you have a love triangle with a childhood friend and a dark and spicy mystery, like, what did you think was going to happen, there? Are you naive, or playing god?

94) anyway you can do what you want but I just want to make out with a vampire king

95) the most important variables in the story are the location of the villain and the distance between the villain and hero’s mouths

96) let them fuck

97) a masked or helmeted character taking off their mask....

98) a tournament or a big test is always a fun finale to lead up to

99) no, don’t write that

100) If you feel unhappy or on edge with the people you surround yourself with, scared to be condemned as evil for your tastes in fiction, like you’re swimming with sharks or on tenterhooks, there’s good news. You can make new friends who will nourish your art.

101) https://ko-fi.com/northgalis