Hi friends. I roast chickens on the regular and I’ve done thanksgiving turkeys plenty too. A turkey is just a big roast chicken. As long as you’re ok handling raw meat it’s really nbd and you too can have a delicious thanksgiving at home, being COVID-safe! A thread:

Buy a turkey. 18-20 pounds if you want a shitload of leftovers to freeze. Smaller if you just want thanksgiving dinner and fridge leftovers. Buy Reynolds oven roasting bags. A foil pan if you don’t have one. Buy some carrots, celery, and white onions too. Some stuffing mix.

If you buy the turkey frozen, start defrosting in the fridge 48-72 hours before thanksgiving. It will take longer than you think. My mom has cooked many thanksgivings and this is still a problem every time for her.

On thanksgiving morning, around 9 AM, line your clean sink with clean towels you don’t have emotional attachment to. Release the bird from its packaging and place in the toweled sink.

Remove any giblets from the cavity. Put them in a small saucepan and set aside. Pat the bird dry with the sink towels, inside and out.

Make your stuffing. Pepperidge farm with boxed chicken stock and some butter is fine. Stovetop is fine. You don’t have to chop anything else to go in.

Let’s stuff your bird. Spoon that delicious stuffing in there. Don’t cram it in - fill it loosely. Tie the bird’s legs together with some twine when you’re done. If you have little metal skewers it’s good to use those to hold the skin over the stuffed main cavity.

You can optionally stuff the neck cavity too. Up to you. If you have more, use more little metal skewers to hold the skin flap over that too.

Okay. Time for a bird massage. Soften some butter in the microwave - put half a stick in a little dish on defrost for 30 sec. Pick up the butter in your hands and rub it all over the bird. Massage it into the skin. Then sprinkle salt and pepper all over.

Okay let’s prep your roasting bag. Pull out one of the Reynolds one roasting bags. Add 2 tablespoons of flour. Hold the bag shut and shake it. Place it in your roasting pan, opening facing the end of the pan. Lay the carrots, some celery, and some quartered onions in the bottom.

Fold back the bag rim and insert the turkey. (Another set of hands helps here) Tie the bag shut with a tie. Use a knife to poke 3-4 holes in the bag for steam to escape. Stick that sucker in the oven at 350.

Meanwhile, cover the giblets you saved in the saucepan with water. Add salt, pepper, and any extra carrot or onion you have. Set to simmer on the stove while your bird cooks. This will be gravy. Pour a glass of wine and put your feet up.

In 3-4 hours (trust the back of the roasting bag box, based on weight), check the bird. You can take it out and stick a knife between the leg and body - if the juices are clear and not pink, it’s done. (Also a good sign: the leg falls off when you manipulate it)

Let it rest for 30 min while you prep other sides. Your gravy is still simmering away, right? Good. Now would be a good time to strain out the solids. Return the strained liquid to the stove. Get a little dish of cold water and a couple tablespoons of flour or cornstarch ready.

Okay. It’s time. First, use a knife to cut open the roasting bag. Let the steam out. Juices will flow too. Get someone to help you tilt the roasting pan to pour some juices through a strainer into your saucepan with the giblet broth. Set the turkey back down.

That flour and the dish of cold water? Mix them thoroughly for flour sludge. The cold water prevents the flour from clumping. Once smoothly mixed, whisk it into your saucepan. Gravy!! Let it simmer and set someone to whisking it as it simmers and thickens.

Back to your turkey. Break that bag wide open. Unpin the cavity and spoon stuffing out into a bowl. Slice meat off the bird however you like - no need for artistic carving.

Spoon some gravy over your turkey and stuffing and go to town.

Everyone freaks out about turkeys but really they’re just unwieldy. You can manage it. And those oven roasting bags have never failed me yet - the turkey browns very nicely but doesn’t taste dry at all. No brining, no fancy business.

So: you can do this! Don’t feel like you have to go to some giant gathering for turkey. Do your own! Keep all the leftovers for yourself! Don’t be intimidated into not being safe this year.

Also butterball has what I hear is a legitimately super helpful turkey assistance hotline on thanksgiving. They can help too! Give it a try. I swear it’s easier than you think.