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Something about me:
Every time that I have gotten fed up and angry and thought to myself, "Fuck this. Fuck them. I'm standing up for myself. I'm telling this asshole off for what they did/said to me," I have been wrong.
Every single time. No exception. No exaggeration.
Every time that I have gotten fed up and angry and thought to myself, "Fuck this. Fuck them. I'm standing up for myself. I'm telling this asshole off for what they did/said to me," I have been wrong.
Every single time. No exception. No exaggeration.
Either I misunderstood something they'd said, or I didn't realize that something else was going on that changed things, or I couldn't see that I was reacting to something else and simply projecting that trauma or insecurity onto this person.
And so I was the asshole. Every time.
And so I was the asshole. Every time.
Every single one of those instances made me feel incredibly guilty—and they still do, whenever I remember one. I loathed myself for misunderstanding and railing against someone unjustifiably because it had been done to me so often in my life, and it always hurt and infuriated me.
The long-term effects of this are that I am *extremely* hesitant to think I have a full grasp of any situation, person, or point of view. The minute I have a thought about anything, my mind is instinctively flooded with ways I—or you—could be mistaken or misreading the situation.
It can be exhausting, but the one payoff is that I'm never certain about anything. I've developed a reflex for seeking out counterfactuals and biases in my own mind—and in other's minds. This sometimes pisses people off, because I'm constantly questioning them.
Most of the time, it keeps me from being too sure of myself. It lets me see holes in my own thinking and in that of others. I've developed a visceral aversion to the kind of confidence one sees on platforms like this one, to the point where I can't even fathom people's bravado.
This doesn't stop me from being wrong—not even close, actually—and maybe it has the negative effect of making me too tentative or unwilling to attack people who "deserve it."
But it definitely helps stop me from being the asshole. I'll take it.
But it definitely helps stop me from being the asshole. I'll take it.
