Thread by @evantessuraea, Hey I'm gonna do a thread on what (most) trans people actually [...]

Hey I'm gonna do a thread on what (most) trans people actually think parents should do when their kid tells them a Gender Thing. I can't speak for all of us, but this is pretty straightforward and accepted, and it's nothing like what the people who hate us want to believe. 1/

1. Listen to your kid, take them seriously, and believe they mean what they say.
2. Determine if they need any specific supports.
3. Let them lead on matters of identity, and make sure they know you love the person they are and will always have their back.
4. Make plans.

2/

This looks really different at different ages! If your 3-year-old says "I'm a boy" every time you try to tell him he's a girl, well, some of us know that young. Listen to him, believe him. You don't have to change anything right away, but lay off the gendered language. 3/

If your 6-year-old wants to transition, okay! Listen to them, find out what will make them feel good about themselves, and make it happen. This generally means a haircut, a name, new clothes, and a lot of conversations with school admin. 4/

If your kid is 11 or 12, a much more in-depth conversation about gender is possible - and there are more problems to solve, as puberty is looming. Ask, don't tell. Find out who they feel like they are, what will make them feel supported. Offer to look at medical support. 5/

If your kid is 15, the social aspects of transition are probably going to be front and center - and it's too late to go on blockers. Support at this age means fierce, loving acceptance and the willingness to advocate for your kid, even more than at other ages. 6/

In none of these cases do you, the parent, have a stake in the outcome except that you want a happy, healthy kid who knows you love and support them. If they go by one name for a year and change their mind, okay, that's fine!

Trans folks aren't out to make children trans. 7/

We want them to be free to figure it out while safe and supported. We don't want them to have to live in fear and shame. We don't want them trying to navigate a hostile world both inside and outside their home. But I don't have a stake in my kids' queerness! That's theirs! 8/

I do wonder if some of the problem here is that the folks who think we force children to transition are people who think of children as under parents' control. They would force their children to do things, and assume we would too.

Queer parenting is generally not into that. 9/

I'm not saying we're all awesome, but it's pretty standard for us to assume kids should have a lot of control over their own lives early on - not just about gender, but about everything. We usually aren't into forced hugs. We let kids develop their own interests. Etc. 10/

We're generally not pushing gendered narratives at all, so if a kid with queer parents is, say, a girl who likes traditionally masc things, we're not the ones who will say "MAYBE YOU'RE A BOY THEN." Because that's bullshit. That's how transphobic people think! Not us. 11/

I've gotten to be the "do you think maybe you're a boy" person a few times, with a young person, and it's incredibly cool! But each time I was reflecting what the kid in question was saying to me, nothing more; I was gesturing toward an open door, not shoving them through. 12/

I will never truly understand people who react to their child's identity as though it's an assault on them, or who try to force conformity. It's just so obviously harmful, and also so much more work than just loving the hell out of your kid. I really don't get it. 13/

A new name, new pronouns: if you are accepting and supportive your kid will probably tell you early on and might even ask you to help find a new name. This can be fun and celebratory. There's room to play and enjoy this aspect of growth - just like other milestones. 14/

There's just about nothing more beautiful to me than children becoming who they are - just watching them grow and change, supporting that growth, trying to guide it. I said the other day that I hope to be a point on their moral compasses, but they are their own people. 15/

So yeah. That's it. When your kid tells you a thing about themselves, listen to them, love them, let them lead. They're people; they deserve to be treated with respect.

And it's easy. It's so, so easy to say "thank you for telling me that, sweetie. I love you so much." 16/

"Do you want to talk about it more now?"

There are so many details - connecting your queer kid to community is huge if you want them to thrive, for example - but most of it is really just listen, love, support.

We are not out to force children to be anyone. We listen. 17/17

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