Incoming rant about gender essentialist bullshit in how people try (and fail) to explain (hetero) romantic relationships and perpetuate sexist misinformation about desire.

Because I’m fucking TIRED!

We don’t want Alpha males. We want community!

“Women desire the protection and security that came with having a strong hunter gatherer.”

Actually, the protection and security came come traveling in large groups where we didn’t raise young alone and didn’t depend solely on a partner for emotional/physical support.

“This is why men struggle with the Madonna/whore complex.”

Imagine families having a support system where women aren’t overburdened by being the sole caregiver to children to the point where they have to no energy/interest in sex or maintain a romantic partnership.

“Women want the security that comes with a wealthy man who can take care of all their needs.”

Or maybe Capitalism sucks and when it works in cooperation with sexism it demands the impossible of women. That they be independent, successful, sexy, and happy. It’s exhausting.

Pretty much every gender essentialist excuse people make up for why Romance and romantic tropes are appealing ignores the systemic issues driving our desires. And how many answers lie outside of the heteronormativity, Capitalism, and the myth of the nuclear family.

Look at many of the classic tropes/conflicts in romantic relationships are linked to Class and Economics, especially how both are tied to sexism:

Marriage of Convince
Lovers from Two Different Worlds
Rival Families
Cinderella
Reversal of Fortunes
The Innocent and the Playboy

So many people focus on the gendered structures of class and wealth without question if there are alternatives to those systems. Ones that exist(ed) outside of Western Colonial era European ideals.

Beyond masculine individualism shored up by white colonial economic exploitation.

How many classic romantic conflicts would evaporate if everyone had a universal basic income, free childcare, and universal health care?

Where success and happiness weren’t defined by economics and property ownership.

How many classic romantic conflicts would be solved by normalizing non-monogamy and the open discussion of desire? Where family groups could be as much a Happily Ever After as a couple. Where we live isn’t defined by what we deny ourselves, but by what we share.

The Billionaire Alpha Male isn’t an indication of women’s desire for toxic masculinity and wealth so much as an indication of the exhausting demands sexism and capitalism make on women. Where they just want someone else do the work. It’s room service of romantic fantasies.

A lot of mainstream (50Shades) BDSM Romance was similar in how it’s a fantasy about not having to do the work. A dominant man who just KNOWS what you need and gives it to you without you asking. And/or a fun smutty read dressed up in the respectable jacket of a NYT Bestseller.

The continued appeal of the Beauty and the Beast trope is really a reflection of making lemonade out of all the lemons we get for prospective romantic partners.

What if the rude, jerk was secret really sweet, loves you and is rich enough to pay off your student loan for you?

Look at the original Beauty and the Beast novel, along with Cinderella and countless other romantic fairytales, it’s roots are in economic insecurity and a woman’s value is linked to her and her families prosperity. Only she actually loves the guy she’s forced to marry.

Thanks to sexism women’s value is still defined by patriarchy, it has impact on her job/wages and whether romantic partners find her attractive. Her and her family’s financial security are still heavily tied to appearance/social value.

Only now, the Beast is her sexist boss.

TL:DR

Women don’t want Christen Grey or a hunter gatherer. They want economic security and probably a nap.

PS This very much applies to the YA/Twilight fantasies as well.

Insta love is rooted in adolescence (and adult) anxieties around identity and how they relates to our value to romantic partners.

You don’t have to figure out who you are if he already loves you, forever.

Adolescence is when we are just starting to really become aware of the pressure to be so many conflicting things at a time when we’re just starting to define ourselves and what we want.

Many YA romantic tropes are about skipping all that work. Getting it all in a pretty package.

The appeal of the Chosen One and Destined for Greatness tropes in MG/YA is how it answers the complex question of “who am I” with the coolest possible option. You don’t have to find a job, purpose, or identity. Someone walks right up to you and tells you who you are.

Just to be clear, anxieties about identity young adults feel are very much entangled with economics. Because they’re growing up in the exact same capitalistic system and feel those pressures at an early age.

“What do you want to be when you grow up” is asking about a job.