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GUITARS JUDGED BY THEIR EFFECTIVENESS AS WEAPONS, A THREAD-- https://twitter.com/makeupaguy/status/1327490252462837761
EPIPHONE FLYING V
- a classic. use it like a pitchfork. features two entire jabby bits. could be used to homoerotically pin your enemies to the wall and/or ground. definitely would cause bruises, but thats about the extent of its damage. 5/10
- a classic. use it like a pitchfork. features two entire jabby bits. could be used to homoerotically pin your enemies to the wall and/or ground. definitely would cause bruises, but thats about the extent of its damage. 5/10
GRETSCH JUPITER THUNDERBIRD
- cool black and red color scheme so you can be extra edgy while clocking the bourgeoise with your guitar. one considerably pointy bit, but a little awkward to stab with. has a handle, which could be grabbed by particularly cunning foes. 3/10
- cool black and red color scheme so you can be extra edgy while clocking the bourgeoise with your guitar. one considerably pointy bit, but a little awkward to stab with. has a handle, which could be grabbed by particularly cunning foes. 3/10
GRETSCH ELECTROMATIC CADILLAC
- quite a big guitar due to the open body. only recommended for the extremely able-bodied among us. metal plating for extra teeth crunching ability. has a handle, but your chances of wresting this from the grip of the one wielding it are slim. 7/10
- quite a big guitar due to the open body. only recommended for the extremely able-bodied among us. metal plating for extra teeth crunching ability. has a handle, but your chances of wresting this from the grip of the one wielding it are slim. 7/10
BACKLUND 100
-the george jetson of guitars. shape makes it perfect for breaking your opponents' faces. shove the end in their mouth and show them your awesome dentistry skills. its just really cool ngl 6/10
-the george jetson of guitars. shape makes it perfect for breaking your opponents' faces. shove the end in their mouth and show them your awesome dentistry skills. its just really cool ngl 6/10
RITTER PRINCESS ISABELLA
-enough homoerotically bashing the bros with your guitar, you want a more refined approach to acoustic jousting (ajoustic?). this is for you lads ladies and other entities. light wood but solid so it packs a crunch. become the bourgeoise 7/10
-enough homoerotically bashing the bros with your guitar, you want a more refined approach to acoustic jousting (ajoustic?). this is for you lads ladies and other entities. light wood but solid so it packs a crunch. become the bourgeoise 7/10
OVATION BREADWINNER
- its shaped like an axe for a reason 8/10 get that bread
- its shaped like an axe for a reason 8/10 get that bread
GITTLER GUITAR
- what is this. who made this. maybe you could use it as a lightning rod if you were really ambitious and also wearing thongs but 0/10 this is a utility pole.
- what is this. who made this. maybe you could use it as a lightning rod if you were really ambitious and also wearing thongs but 0/10 this is a utility pole.
BURNS FLYTE
- viable weaponry on both ends. divot at the bottom is perfectly shaped to crush someone's throat. also lovely and symmetrically shaped for equal bashing power from both sides. 8/10 bonus points for looking like a squid
- viable weaponry on both ends. divot at the bottom is perfectly shaped to crush someone's throat. also lovely and symmetrically shaped for equal bashing power from both sides. 8/10 bonus points for looking like a squid
GIBSON LES PAUL
- one of the heaviest single-necked guitars. an absolute warhammer if you can wield it. would absolutely pulverize someone like they are unsuspecting cardamon pods and it is an oddly guitar-shaped pestle. 9/10 for sheer damaging force
- one of the heaviest single-necked guitars. an absolute warhammer if you can wield it. would absolutely pulverize someone like they are unsuspecting cardamon pods and it is an oddly guitar-shaped pestle. 9/10 for sheer damaging force
GIBSON REVERSE FLYING V
- literally just varatha the eternal spear. you could battle out of hell with this. majestically pointy. wonderfully stabby. only guitar on this list that could be used as a ranged weapon. 8/10
- literally just varatha the eternal spear. you could battle out of hell with this. majestically pointy. wonderfully stabby. only guitar on this list that could be used as a ranged weapon. 8/10
B.C. RICH WARLOCK
- another classic. like the flying v but this one draws blood. for when you enjoy homoerotically pinning your enemies down, but also tearing their guts out with your spectacularly pointy music machine. an entire weapon 8.5/10
- another classic. like the flying v but this one draws blood. for when you enjoy homoerotically pinning your enemies down, but also tearing their guts out with your spectacularly pointy music machine. an entire weapon 8.5/10
ESP FRX LIQUID METAL
- a guitar of athurian standards. simultaneously the sword and the stone. awkwardly jagged edges make for superior carnage when swung. slight risk of harming yourself due to the you-facing nasty-looking point, but we think you'll be fine
7/10
- a guitar of athurian standards. simultaneously the sword and the stone. awkwardly jagged edges make for superior carnage when swung. slight risk of harming yourself due to the you-facing nasty-looking point, but we think you'll be fine
7/10
IBANEZ DESTROYER
- do exactly as the name suggests. unfortunately only lethal when swung one way, but sure to spill your enemies' guts all over your clean carpet if it reaches its mark. more of a precision instrument. 7/10 just because its called the destroyer.
- do exactly as the name suggests. unfortunately only lethal when swung one way, but sure to spill your enemies' guts all over your clean carpet if it reaches its mark. more of a precision instrument. 7/10 just because its called the destroyer.
JACKSON JS MINION
- toes the line between guitar and actual fucking knife. no way this was designed without the intention of someone getting stabbed in the gut. tear those thugs some extra holes from every end of this absolute monster. 10/10
- toes the line between guitar and actual fucking knife. no way this was designed without the intention of someone getting stabbed in the gut. tear those thugs some extra holes from every end of this absolute monster. 10/10
ESP GODZILLA
- CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES UNDERNEATH THE GIANT LIZARD FEET OF GODZILLA HIMSELF. PLAY A GAY LITTLE SONG WHILE YOU WATCH THEM GET TRAMPLED INTO SCREAMING RED GOOP. NOT EVEN NUCLEAR WEAPONS CAN STAND IN YOUR WAY, NOT ANYMORE. YOURE UNSTOPPABLE NOW. 11/10 ITS FUCKING GODZILLA
- CRUSH YOUR ENEMIES UNDERNEATH THE GIANT LIZARD FEET OF GODZILLA HIMSELF. PLAY A GAY LITTLE SONG WHILE YOU WATCH THEM GET TRAMPLED INTO SCREAMING RED GOOP. NOT EVEN NUCLEAR WEAPONS CAN STAND IN YOUR WAY, NOT ANYMORE. YOURE UNSTOPPABLE NOW. 11/10 ITS FUCKING GODZILLA
honorable mentions!
CORT GENE SIMMONS AXE BASS
- literally a fucking axe. designed to chops heads and sever limbs. awaken your inner demon as you smash any foe into tiny, tiny pieces. mince them like garlic. 10/10 its just so sick ay
CORT GENE SIMMONS AXE BASS
- literally a fucking axe. designed to chops heads and sever limbs. awaken your inner demon as you smash any foe into tiny, tiny pieces. mince them like garlic. 10/10 its just so sick ay
MY GUITAR (OVATION CELEBRITY)
- love of my life, pain in my neck. thick plastic backed for ultimate toe-crushing, jaw-breaking force. sharpened headstock. have often used it to fight off attacking magpies in spring. exploded and set me on fire once. 8/10 for pure murderous intent
- love of my life, pain in my neck. thick plastic backed for ultimate toe-crushing, jaw-breaking force. sharpened headstock. have often used it to fight off attacking magpies in spring. exploded and set me on fire once. 8/10 for pure murderous intent