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Why coming out as demisexual matters: a thread and a blog post #writeLGBT
The most common response I get when I explain to someone that I’m demisexual is that I’m just normal and looking for a special word for my sexuality. I’ll explain as painstakingly as I can that I don’t have sexual attraction unless a close bond forms, and I’ll be met with
“Oh, so you’re just waiting for the right person.” It leaves me unsure where to go with the conversation. Do I tell them they don't understand my orientation? Do I tell them they might be demisexual too? Do I keep quiet?
In a way they’re right — after all, if my sexual attraction only forms under the circumstances of a close bond, and only towards that person, then my sexual attraction is waiting for the right person. But this doesn't mean I've waited to have sex or am waiting until marriage-
I have had sex, and I don't believe premarital sex is a sin. I’m ace, and my aceness is demisexuality and graysexuality, and in a world that’s saturated in sex, that can be hard to explain. So - why come out at all?
I first realized I was probably demisexual when I was about 24. I came to learn that only having it under a specific circumstance actually had a name: demisexual.
I remember thinking “What, isn’t everyone like this?” For most of my life I'd been pretending -
I remember thinking “What, isn’t everyone like this?” For most of my life I'd been pretending -
what if everyone else had too?
I learned that demisexual isn't "how everyone is". I don't think any one sexual orientation is "the default"; this a harmful idea that can take years to unlearn. I do think demisexuality is probably more common than we currently know.
I learned that demisexual isn't "how everyone is". I don't think any one sexual orientation is "the default"; this a harmful idea that can take years to unlearn. I do think demisexuality is probably more common than we currently know.
But I learned talking to allosexuals (people who aren't ace) that feeling sexual attraction only under a specific circumstance was not a universal experience. For a long time after I came out I’ve asked my allo friends “Hey, so, what’s this like?” Here's what I learned:
Allo people who wait for the right person are sexually attracted to people regardless of if they share a close bond with them. Finding someone physically attractive is enough.
While allos aren’t sexually attracted to everyone they meet or find attractive, whether or not a close bond is present doesn’t matter.
Allos understand things like being sexually attracted to models in perfume commercials or actors or people on tinder; I do not.
Allos understand things like being sexually attracted to models in perfume commercials or actors or people on tinder; I do not.
While many aces may choose abstinence, choosing abstinence — or not choosing it — does not indicate one’s sexual orientation.
Whether or not a person has casual sex often doesn’t indicate whether or not they’re ace — enjoying sex itself and having sexual attraction aren’t necessarily one in the same, and being allosexual doesn’t mean a person enjoys casual sex.
There’s more to it, but those were some of the major points. The biggest thing I learned was that the gray space between asexuality and allosexuality, where someone has a mostly asexual experience, does exist — and I exist in it. And I'm not the only one; far from it.
I didn’t come out for about a year after figuring this stuff out, and then I only came out on tumblr at first. It would be another year before I came out on instagram and then yet another year before I would start writing about it. Coming out is scary -
especially when you’re a part of the LGBTQIA+ community that is barely acknowledged. What would people think? What would people say? Would anyone want to be with me if they knew sex might never be on the table? Ever since coming out, though, I'm so glad I did.
When I came out as demisexual, I wasn’t saying “I’m like you but I want this special word to describe it.” I was saying “I’m like this, and this word describes me. Maybe you’re like that too. But I know I’m not allo, and I know that a word describes what I am, and this is it.”
Demisexuality isn’t about saying that we’re somehow better, or that allos are bad and perverted, or that everyone should wait until marriage. It isn’t about saying that sex is bad, or good, or that being allo or ace is better or worse.
It’s just about sexual attraction and finding a word that describes you — a word that feels good, like coming home. That’s the point of labels; they’re words that make you feel seen.
Being able to come out and say that and have it understood does matter. Everyone deserves that — including those of us who exist in the spaces in between. Every demisexual deserves to be able to say it out loud; all LGBTQIA+ people do.
Being demisexual, and coming out as it, does matter.
And if you’re reading this and wondering if it would matter if you did come out — no matter your identity, you deserve to live authentically. Demisexuals included.
And if you’re reading this and wondering if it would matter if you did come out — no matter your identity, you deserve to live authentically. Demisexuals included.
If you enjoyed this thread, you can also read it here as a blog post, along with other posts about ace stuff: https://secretladyspider.medium.com/why-coming-out-as-demisexual-matters-ccec4d87eb48
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