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When I tweeted this Friday night it was really just the beginning of what turned out to be an extremely tough night. First I want to say thank you to everyone who sent love my way & second I want to talk about what happened because to often we don't talk about the rough patches + https://twitter.com/MissStrunk/status/1327414432759046144
Trigger warning domestic violence (DV)
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Many of my long time friends and followers know that every October during domestic violence awareness month I take time to write a thread about my experience. This year I didn't have the emotional energy +
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Many of my long time friends and followers know that every October during domestic violence awareness month I take time to write a thread about my experience. This year I didn't have the emotional energy +
Given that DV awareness month is now over I think it is relevant that we talk about what happens after someone escapes domestic violence because trust me it is not all sunshine and rainbows just because you got out. So I am going to share what my Friday night was like+
First a very short back story. Twenty years ago in October of 2000 I made the decision to breakup with my then boyfriend. I didn't really realize the abuse I had been experiencing up to that point because none of it was physical. I just knew I was tired of walking on eggshells+
So one day I finally told him it was over. Only he didn't take it well. He argued, begged, pleaded, cried, and finally, when none of that work he became violent. He pushed me down on the arm of our couch and began to strangle me. +
He basically told me that if I didn't take him back he would kill me. I nodded my head and he let me up. I left the house and with help of several people I got out of town. There is of course much more to the story but I don't want to focus on that day I want to talk about after+
I will just say that in the immediate aftermath it was hard to focus, it was hard to sleep, and to be honest most of that next year was a blur. I went home, I changed universities, and I got my shit together. Sounds like rainbows and sunshine right? Wrong+
Because here is the deal trauma like that doesn't just go away. It changes how you deal with everyone around you, it changes how you approach relationships. People have to understand my background to date me because they have to understand that some things are them its me+
But none of that fundamental change to who I am and how I interact with folks it was caused my issue Friday. Rather it was the fact that no matter how long it has been the right circumstances can cause me to have a flashback and break down+
I seriously feel like it is a success anytime I can wear a turtle neck. I can generally do a loose one but a tight turtle neck is almost always a no go+
One instance that always sticks with me is about 6 years ago walking through the grocery store holding my son when he was one. He moved and brushed his arm across my throat, that was it nothing big just a small brush. That simple brush sent me into a tail spin+
These incidents seem to get fewer and more time seems to pass between them but you can never get fully comfortable or expect they won't come back because out of the blue you will be thrust into the past which brings us back to Friday night+
My oldest son has been struggling a bit with the being at home. At times his frustration and feeling like he is out of control overwhelms him and he lashes out. Friday I was trying to meet a deadline (one I didn't remotely meet), he got upset with his brother and he lashed out+
He really struggled to get back under control that evening. He would calm down for a bit but then get worked up again. I sent that tweet near the beginning. A few hours into all of this everything shifted for me+
I have no idea what actually triggered it one minute I was fine, well not perfectly fine I was a frustrated mother trying to figure out how to help my child who has just had it with the world, the next minute I was sobbing, my throat tightened up and I kind of zoned out+
I kept feeling like I need to gasp for breath and I couldn't stop my crying. It was tough. It started to worry my son and snapped him out of his frustration a bit. He kept hugging me and asking me to stop crying. There was nothing I could do in that moment.+
I was able to grasp reality again and stop my crying. My throat ached but I wasn't gasping for breath any more. I wish I could say it was all over but literally every time I changed position, stood up to make dinner, bent down to get stuff out of the dishwasher etc. +
I would start to cry and my throat would tighten. I would have to pause take a moment and regroup. It wasn't as bad as the initial hit but it was just little jabs over the entire night. +
The most frustrating part for someone like me is the lack of control, no immediately clear trigger, no way of stopping it or avoiding it. I didn't want to sleep because I was worried about dreams so I stayed up watching tv until I couldn't any more+
I finally just had to try to sleep. I had basically been 'okay' for a several hours but as soon as I laid down images started popping in my head not just the worst moment of our relationship but just random moments, random pictures, clear details I hadn't remembered+
and once again I started crying uncontrollably. It took several minutes but I pulled myself together again and then I put on a audio book so my brain had something else to focus on. I finally fell asleep concentrating on the book+
Saturday morning things were a lot better but not perfect. My throat still hurt and I didn't really feel motivated to do anything but I didn't feel the urge to cry. I found a project for the day and that helped a lot it gave me a focus+
By the end of the day I was good. Today I am back to 'normal'. It has been a long time since I have had a bad episode, honestly can't remember a one that bad. People think that once you are out things are good, or at the very least that years after you will have healed+
But you never fully heal. It never ceases to amaze me how with no warning a hand can reach out from twenty years in the past and wrap around my throat.+
There is a huge long term emotional cost to domestic violence but there is also a financial and professional cost. It may not be the main focus but it is there. I lost two days to this episode one to the acute issues and one that I needed to take to recenter myself+
I did not meet my deadline. I still haven't been able to finish that document. Luckily for me it was a deadline for a draft and not a final document but others expected it from me. Others are waiting on it so they can do their part and I let them down+
Will they care? Likely not especially if they understood why BUT I care and I don't want to have to explain to them why I couldn't function enough to write that document. Is this the smallest thing I should worry about in all of this, absolutely but it is still a thing +
The other really frustrating part is knowing your kids saw you like that and not knowing how to explain to them what happened or why. You never want to have to tell your 9 and 7 year old that someone once tried to kill their mother.+
I am going to finish by saying that I am okay! Really I am. The moment has passed and I know how to deal with it, I have had to learn. There is no need to worry about me or be concerned. I am good.+
But remember you don't know what others are going through or what they have gone through. Domestic violence is not a single incident or even a series of incidents it sticks with a person forever. There are so many after effects people don't realize and we don't talk about+
1 in 4 women and 1 in 7 men experience physical violence from a partner in their lifetime. Someone you know has gone through this or is going through this. Be therefore them especially when they are trying to get out. Don't judge them it's not their fault. +
Listen to folks be gentle with folks and don't expect them to pop back to their old selves (whatever that means) once they get out of a bad situation. Domestic violence is a epidemic in the US and around the world. +
If you are experiencing domestic violence there is help both locally and nationally. You can call 1-800-799-7233. Be careful and know there is life after this. You can get out, you can heal, you won't be the same and it will be hard but it is possible.
