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CW: emotional abuse.
You ever feel uncomfortable when people ask you about yourself because they want to get to know you? So uncomfortable you try to change the subject, or you self-deprecate to minimize any positive attention on yourself?
Well, that's a abuse response.
You ever feel uncomfortable when people ask you about yourself because they want to get to know you? So uncomfortable you try to change the subject, or you self-deprecate to minimize any positive attention on yourself?
Well, that's a abuse response.
If that sounds like you, it is possible that in the past an abuser only showed interest in you to try and excavate personal information about you to use against you later.
They ask about your childhood only to bring up how "not well adjusted" you are in an argument.
They ask you about your hobbies only so they can remind you how childish your interests are when they find you feeling too proud of yourself.
They ask you about your hobbies only so they can remind you how childish your interests are when they find you feeling too proud of yourself.
They ask you who you have a crush on only so they can embarrass you in front of them later.
They ask you about your hopes and dreams just so they can tell you that those are the wrong dreams to have or to remind you that you're reaching beyond your potential.
Etc etc etc
They ask you about your hopes and dreams just so they can tell you that those are the wrong dreams to have or to remind you that you're reaching beyond your potential.
Etc etc etc
I'm not threading this to breakdown *why* abusive people do this--that's its own thread and a half.
I'm threading this to bring attention to *why* you feel so uncomfortable when you get too much positive attention.
I'm threading this to bring attention to *why* you feel so uncomfortable when you get too much positive attention.
Because right now there might be a wide-eyed, cutie sitting across a table from you, excited to hear what your favorite foods are so they can bring them all to you, hoping it'll make you like them more...(your acceptance is so important to them, and you can't see it!)
...but all your trauma brain can do is remind you that they might only being doing that so they can tell you what an unhealthy cow, unworthy of respect you are later when you upset them.
Because someone--a lover, a friend, a parent-- did that to you so many times before.
Because someone--a lover, a friend, a parent-- did that to you so many times before.
They trained you to disconnect from others, make yourself smaller, not to draw attention to yourself and your needs...they trained you not to compete with them for attention or love.
So now, you might have a tiny panic everytime a coworker asks you about your hobbies. Everytime a friend wants to know what toppings you prefer on a pizza(they know the real answer isn't "I'll eat whatever").
You choke up everytime a lover asks you what your actual needs are.
You choke up everytime a lover asks you what your actual needs are.
You're allowed to have preferences and interests and a history.
Why do you not tolerate these facets in yourself that you celebrate in others?
Everytime you ask someone you love 'what do you want for lunch?' you genuinely want to know their answer...
Why do you not tolerate these facets in yourself that you celebrate in others?
Everytime you ask someone you love 'what do you want for lunch?' you genuinely want to know their answer...
...but when someone asks you that you instinctively worry over whether your answer will appease the person asking.
It's become hard for you to accept that people who love you find you so dear and so precious that they genuinely want to know the answers to every mundane question.
It's become hard for you to accept that people who love you find you so dear and so precious that they genuinely want to know the answers to every mundane question.
It's not your fault.
Someone taught you that shrinking yourself was a matter of survival.
You are holding your breath still, living in survival mode, while those who look at you with unflinching adoration just want to know how to make you happy, how to find even more to adore.
Someone taught you that shrinking yourself was a matter of survival.
You are holding your breath still, living in survival mode, while those who look at you with unflinching adoration just want to know how to make you happy, how to find even more to adore.
It's okay. They love you. They will sit with you through it.
They cherish you...even the damaged bits.
You're beautiful, honey. (Now, just PLEASE tell me what you want on your god-damn pizza!)
They cherish you...even the damaged bits.
You're beautiful, honey. (Now, just PLEASE tell me what you want on your god-damn pizza!)
