Oregairu: "Hachiman a lonely kid at heart"

This thread contains spoilers for the series until S2 EP 8
this thread is a continuation or a retake to my old thread
(it is ok if you didn't read it) https://twitter.com/darkstorm3x/status/1299816474450767880?s=20

For me Hachiman is a very interesting character, I can relate to him on some level and I am fascinated by his twisted way of seeing things and his goal to find something genuine.

When I first read volume 1 of the LN before the anime and got to the point when he thought in the past that a girl has fallen in love with him and tried to ask her only to discover that she didn't love him in a harsh way, I read as if it is a sad backstory that was being-

told and it hit me hard, I felt really sad for him. When I watched the anime it wasn't being told in a sumber way at all and it was rather short but still, the shot with him standing in a classroom alone looking at the board, clutching his fist, having this sorrowful look -

on his face and looking like he will start crying. It felt really sad and heartbreaking, he seemed like a young boy with good intentions, someone who just wanted to make friends and what he did was normal for his young age.
This moment showed me how insecure and broken he was-

it showed me that he was a nice kid who only wanted to have connections and relationships with people but everytime he tried he was hurt and that made him discouraged from communicating with others anymore and this led to him having this twisted look on the world, that shines -

through his quote I hate nice girls, this quote explained his mindset that was formed from his old scares that left a deep mark on him and made him a professional loner or as he but it
“A lone warrior surviving hundreds of battles, when it comes to losing, I’m the strongest.”-

I relate to this mindset, I have always had thoughts like that, I always try to remind myself that if someone treats me nicely don't forget that they are nice to others too and I always think about if I am just another person in other people's eyes or that if I am special to them

like they are special to me, this is a mindset that I have sometimes or most of the time bc I don't want to get hurt, or have expectations that I know will be destroyed, other times I don't want to get full of myself or think that I am something that I am not.-

"I don't want to fall in love" is a thought that I always have bc I don't want to feel like I have a hidden motivation for befriending someone and sometime I feel like it rude to other and I don't want someone to feel uncomfortable bc of that.

I have discovered that I always put up a shield in front of others to stop myself from being emotional, cry or show much vulnerability, even if I intended on talking or being vulnerable I just try to brush it off or if I talked sometime I try to make it as something comedic.-

sometimes I really want to cry for help, for understanding or from loneliness.

Hachiman's idea of a genuine thing is something I want to have something I want to strive for, being in a relationship where you understand others and being understood by them, a relationship where you can get feelings across that hollow words could never get across,-

being vulnerable, having closer connections with people who understands you and whom you understand is something that I want to strive for.
Hachiman is a lonely kid at heart who just wanted genuine human connections and I am the same, it is something hard to achieve and to-

get it you must open up and stop putting up a shield towards others, it is somewhat scary.
Yeah, I’m being stupid. I know that it’s out of question. I know how this will end. I’ll be left with nothing. Even so, I want us to think, writhe, struggle… and find… something genuine.