I wanted to make a thread about homosexuality in ancient Rome. But it's a long and complex topic and there are a zillion out already, so instead have the ANCIENT GAYS ALIGNMENT CHART.
With footnotes, because I'm the kind of person who always explains jokes. #SPQRposting #LGBTQ

(disclaimer: see this thread for an actual explanation of roman sexuality. I'll use "gay" and "bi" as gross approximation but those concepts weren't really a thing in ancient rome and greece) https://twitter.com/jackdaw_writes/status/1291807921064550401

LAWFUL GOOD: Emperor Hadrian
- Very gay
- Spent a life in mourning for his twink lover
- MADE HIM A GOD because he was that ovedramatic
- named a city after him IN CASE SOMEONE HAD MISSED THE MEMO

Lawful Neutral: Domitianus
- ancient sources say he was "married" to a freedman eunuch
- apparently this eunuch was deeply devoted to him.
- ...wait, for once Domitianus isn't the bad guy?

Lawful Evil: Emperor Trajan
Was mostly into warfare, but found time for being gay.
Once a king ally of Rome rebelled. Trajan marched against him.
King: "I was just kidding! Here some gifts!"
(continues)

Trajan: "too late, annexation time"
King: "...wait, have you seen my son dance?"
Trajan: "...I'm interested"
So the king's son made "a barbarian dance", Trajan was "deeply enamoured with him", and the king was pardoned
Pimping your sons: an underappreciated geopolitical strategy

Chaotic Good: Catullo
- Disaster bisexual poet
- Toy boy of an older woman
- Had his own toy boy in return
- Was SO ANGSTY over the whole thing
- All his poetry feels like it was written at 4AM, drunk and crying
- True millenial: literally made "why am I not dead yet?" a poem

CN: Eliogabalus
- Very likely a trans woman
- Also bisexual, REALLY loved sexual scandals, like marrying the Super Holy Virgin Priestess of Vesta
- Had no fucking clue being empress of Rome was a serious business (in fairness, was a teenager)

CE: Plato
- NOT ROMAN BUT I WANTED HIM IN THE LIST OK
- "GAY RELATIONSHIPS ARE BETTER THAN STRAIGHT ONES BECAUSE EEEEW WOMEN"
- "TRUEST LOVE IS HOMOSEXUAL - OTHERWISE YOU SHOULD LOVE, EEEW, A WOMAN"
- "WAIT I CHANGED MY MIND, HOMOSEXUALITY IS DISGUSTING, EEW"

NG: Sappho
- I KNOW NOT ROMAN EITHER BUT I'M NOT SPOILED FOR CHOICES FOR WLW
- As thirsty as Catullo was angsty
- Half her poetry "YEAH STARS ARE NICE BUT I'M HORNY"
- I still can't believe high schools try to sell sappho, from the island of lesbos, as possibly het

TN: Caesar
- Had a king and later a (famous) queen as lovers
- He'll fuck whoever has a royal title tbh
- His own loyal troops mocked him DURING HIS TRIUMPH: "you conquered the gauls, but nicomedes conquered you!"
- Didn't really care

Neutral Evil: Basil I (byzantine)
- an unlettered refugee, good-looking and charismatic as a good gay should be
- became favorite of a clueless emperor
- MURDERED SAID EMPEROR AND TOOK THE THRONE
- Went on to be a pretty great emperor
- Was gay, did crimes

Super pedantic note: I usually try to avoid some of the gossip-est sources, when there is no corroborating evidence. But for details over the private life of emperors we're not spoiled for choice, so take this all with a grain of salt (especially caesar and domitianus)

I still chose to include them not only because it's a joke thread and obviously no treatise, but also because if we're too picky with evidence for homosexuality we risk ending up with "BUT WHO CAN TELL, MAYBE THEY WERE JUST GOOD FRIENDS"ing the whole ancient world.

Finally, I know, it's mostly a list of dudes. But ancient sources weren't great on talking about women, sorry!
To make up for it, I leave you with a Sappho quote, useful the next time you hear How Can We Be Sure She Actually Loved Women It's Anachronistic Good Friends Blah Blah

“Sweet mother, I cannot weave –
slender Aphrodite has overcome me
with longing for a girl.”

And one more Sappho quote because it's cool:
“May I write words more naked than flesh,
stronger than bone, more resilient than
sinew, sensitive than nerve.”