tw: religious trauma & fundamentalism, anti-theism

I am a survivor of childhood religious trauma, and discussions of "abolishing religion" do not protect me. (thread)

background: for the first 10 years of my life I was in a evangelical pentacostal Christian church. my parents were church leaders, and we regularly went to church 3+ times per week. /1

I learned that God was a punishing figure who could read my mind and send me to Hell for even thinking about sinning. I was terrified of my own thoughts, terrified of a future with no free will, and terrified of eternal afterlife, even in "paradise." /2

When I was around 13, after years of inner turmoil, I decided I needed to stop believing in God for my own mental health. It was a necessary step in my journey towards healing, and at the time it felt freeing. /3

Today, I am still an atheist. I cannot imagine ever being anything else. But there have been several times in my adolescence and adulthood that I tried to find other forms of spirituality. I felt (and still feel) a form of divinty in life and in the universe. /4

Each time I tried to explore my spirituality, no matter what path I took, those intrusive thoughts invaded my mind again. Thoughts of sin and Hell and being controlled by the devil, all of them drilled into me from before I could even try to question them. /5

I compare my spirituality to an amputated limb. I needed to cut that part of myself out to survive, but it's a part of the human experience, my experience, that I will likely never get back. /6

I don't want what happened to me, or countless other children, to ever happen to another kid. But not every religion is like the one I was raised in. Many encourage free thought and questioning, and encourage people to follow their own path. /7

I don't want my children to live in a world devoid of spirituality. I want them to live in a world where exploration is cherished, not beat down. /8

I want my children to be able to connect with the spiritual part of themselves that has always been present in humans. I want them to have rituals that serve and fulfill them, to connect with their ancestor's beliefs and cultures. /9

To say "abolish religion" implies that all organized religions are abusive, but I don't believe that's true. Even sects of Christianity embrace diversity and don't tell children they're going to hell. For others, like Judaism, questioning is fundamental to belief. /10

Just because I had to cut myself off from spirituality doesn't mean everyone else should. It's not a more fulfilling or "real" experience compared to someone who is religious. /11

If you've experienced religious trauma, I'm with you, and you deserved better. But the problem is not with religion, but with people controlling and taking advantage of others. /12

I want to abolish abusive churches, not religion altogether. To do so would be subjecting everyone to the same disconnect from my own spirituality that I needed to survive.
That's not freedom -- it's just another form of coercion. /13