Thread by @thearibradford, Watching The Little Mermaid as an adult, a thread. Now that I’m [...]

Watching The Little Mermaid as an adult, a thread.

Now that I’m an adult Ariel grates on my damn nerves. She’d be the one to ghost her friend group at the bar after some dude made a clever fish pun.

She falls in love with Eric the first time she sees him, but 1. He’s literally the first human she’s ever seen, and 2. During this time period he probably wouldn’t even believe in her right to speak “out of turn” anyway, so why get her voice back?

Also, how does she know she’s going to be able to handle any of his bad habits? Maybe he picks his toes and smells it. Maybe he refers to anyone with brown skin as “those people.” Maybe he poops with the door open. This smacks of a five year marriage at best

I bet she got super confused the first time she pooped. They used chamber pots and I don’t want to know how she caught on to that. So many logistical questions.

Eric is also pretty dumb. He’s trying to guess Ariel’s name and Sebastian whispers her name in his ear. He legit isn’t like “Oh shit ghosts” or something that insists that perhaps it’s weird that an uncommon name just got whispered in his ear.

Sebastian is the only one with brains and his logic is made like it’s comedy. That poor crab gets no love.

Ooh hold up. Does Ariel have fish DNA? When they have kids is she gonna just lay a pile of eggs by the door? I’m disturbed.

She can lay them anywhere I suppose. On the lawn? In the kitchen? Maybe she has a special egg closet. Maybe she’s part seahorse and somehow Eric would have to carry the babies to term.

Actually I’d watch that.

I’ve been cleaning the house and we’ve had to pause a couple times, so we’re just now getting to the wedding and I’m way too obsessed with finding the erection they put in this scene

Ehhh that looks like his knee

No wait that’s a boner

No wait that’s his knee

OK I HAVE A QUESTION ABOUT THE PEOPLE AROUND ERIC.

No one is concerned about him? No one is like “he fell off a boat and blamed a lady from the sea and then brought home this chick who combs her hair with forks and now is marrying a different lady?” WHERE TF ARE HIS FRIENDS

This right here is why Disney needed more Black people in its movies. DeShaun wouldn’t have stood for this shit. He’d have at least caused shit for Ursula.

Ursula: I’M marrying him

DeShaun: And who tf are you?? We just met you today. GTFOH

Anywhoozles. They’ve ruined the wedding and now the bride is a giant octopus drag queen and Eric seems surprisingly unperturbed. Triton is about to give up his power instead of exploding Ursula with his Sea Fork

“ThEy HaD a CoNtRaCt”

What’s she gonna do? Sue him? He’s king of the motherfucking sea. He could blow her up with that pitchfork thingy and be like “that contract is null and void. Someone say something cause my magical fork is thirsty for blood.”

#tritonsabitch

So now Eric is stabbing giant Ursula with a boat and idk what the women in his kingdom look like but this is a lot of work for a girl he’s known for three days who also betrays her subjects by lusting after the balls of a dude who eats them

I’m sorry. I know this movie is 30 years old and I’ve had time to swallow this but why the FUCK does Triton give her legs? She’s been a little butthole this whole movie and wants to marry some dude at 16. He could at least petty-parent and give her the legs of another species

*Ariel slowly crawls out of the sea and it’s revealed she has tiny squirrel feet*

*Ariel slowly crawls out of the sea and she tumbles over on her brittle flamingo legs*

*Ariel slowly crawls out of the sea and her legs are just two more pairs of arms and hands*

Well they’re married now. This will go swimmingly I bet.

HA. SWIMMINGLY.

For real tho adulthood has ruined me.

THE END

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