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Step 1: go to http://gasenate.com and donate.
Step 2: screenshot the receipt and DM it to me along with a company or technology you want me to skewer.
Step 3: follow this thread.
@staceyabrams is kind and wonderful. I’m not those things, so it’s time to snark for good.
Step 2: screenshot the receipt and DM it to me along with a company or technology you want me to skewer.
Step 3: follow this thread.
@staceyabrams is kind and wonderful. I’m not those things, so it’s time to snark for good.
We start with a $5k donation to skewer @Facebook.
Facebook is staffed by people who are very concerned with Facebook Friends because their real friends increasingly don't want to talk to them anymore.
Facebook is staffed by people who are very concerned with Facebook Friends because their real friends increasingly don't want to talk to them anymore.
"On the one hand we help Nazis, on the other I get to buy a Tesla" isn't a sympathetic position. Go work somewhere more redeeming, please.
$100 to skewer my business partner @mike_julian.
Before the pandemic, he was a snooty wine snob.
Now mid pandemic he's pivoted to becoming a snooty video game snob. Apparently Assassin's Creed Valhalla "romps boisterously across the palate."
Before the pandemic, he was a snooty wine snob.
Now mid pandemic he's pivoted to becoming a snooty video game snob. Apparently Assassin's Creed Valhalla "romps boisterously across the palate."
$25 to mock @parler_app. They're trying to do a social network out of the worst people on the internet by a bunch of mediocre engineers.
What they're missing:
1. "Free speech" is how they all start until they get big enough to have to pivot.
2. Facebook beat them to the punch.
What they're missing:
1. "Free speech" is how they all start until they get big enough to have to pivot.
2. Facebook beat them to the punch.
$25 to talk about @apple and how they made a laptop simultaneously faster and less useful.
Wait until the next rev when they redo the industrial design; they'll demonstrate their versatility by fucking up the keyboards again.
Wait until the next rev when they redo the industrial design; they'll demonstrate their versatility by fucking up the keyboards again.
$1K to mock Kubernetes.
I don't get the problem with it. Some folks write their résumés in Word, others in LaTeX. I don't see the problem if you choose to write yours in YAML.
I don't get the problem with it. Some folks write their résumés in Word, others in LaTeX. I don't see the problem if you choose to write yours in YAML.
$100 to mock @robertreeves personally, which is hard to do. I mean, going by his Twitter bio he wouldn't even be the main character in a movie about his life.
$2K to point out that AI/ML are usually used to launder bias. @Tesla Autopilot has disrupted that, and uses the technology to instead launder murder.
$100 to mock @webflow, which aims to solve the biggest problem with Dreamweaver: people have heard of it.
$100 to roast Mark Zuckerberg.
The coldest way to do that is simply to post a picture of Mark Zuckerberg.
The coldest way to do that is simply to post a picture of Mark Zuckerberg.
$25 to mock @awscloud's Aurora, named after the Disney Princess you have to kidnap to afford a production-ready cluster.
$102 to mock http://Convoy.com . What's to mock? That was a great movie!
Another $100 goes to talk about @IronNet. They do security as it's meant to be done: shooting down TLS to inspect all of your traffic network-wide.
$1000 to mock @migueldeicaza. He's started Xamarin, Mono, and GNOME. It would apparently kill him to actually finish something.
$1K to make fun of @Wayfair. There was a conspiracy theory a while back that they were being used to smuggle children. They immediately investigated to make sure that a) it wasn't true, and b) if it was true, that they raised their rates appropriately.
$50 to mock @Oracle. The only thing $50 gets you from Oracle is a surprise license audit since you can't even buy swag from the company store for that little money.
Even their historical diversity and inclusion budget was 30% higher than that.
Even their historical diversity and inclusion budget was 30% higher than that.
$50 to mock @SmartBear.
Okay, I'll buy that. If I'm SmartBear, I'll pretty much buy anything that holds still long enough, even if I've already bought something that does the thing I'm buying.
Okay, I'll buy that. If I'm SmartBear, I'll pretty much buy anything that holds still long enough, even if I've already bought something that does the thing I'm buying.
$100 to mock @IBM. Now, that might not seem like a lot, but that's big money as of the last time IBM was relevant to anything.
$105 to mock @Iterable. I swear, marketing tech companies make this too easy.
$25 to snark at @scalr, a company that raised $7.5 million for what is basically a Terraform pull request.
$102 to skewer Serverless computing.
Its cardinal sin isn't that it's completely dependent upon your provider–you always have been. What Serverless gets wrong is that it says that quiet part out loud.
Its cardinal sin isn't that it's completely dependent upon your provider–you always have been. What Serverless gets wrong is that it says that quiet part out loud.
Someone has $105 worth of ire for @Mirantis, the Docker/Kubernetes/OpenStack/PleaseJustSignTheDamnedContract company.
Similarly, $27.50 to point out that @rancher is the home of "Kubernetes is crap wait just kidding buy our Kubernetes flavor."
$50 goes to point out that a bunch of folks won the lottery once. They started a company together on the premise that they could teach other people to win lotteries as well. And they called it @ycombinator.
$100 to tell the story of how a company with a super flaky admin panel had to keep frantically refreshing the page to see what was going on, so they called themselves @F5Networks. Isn't that refreshing?
$110 to highlight that Scrum demonstrates that you can't just do your job, you first have to pay a bunch of "coaches" to tell you how to do your job first.
The fact that they then named it after the "beat the piss out of you" part of rugby is really just icing on the cake.
The fact that they then named it after the "beat the piss out of you" part of rugby is really just icing on the cake.
$110 to point out that @nvidia is having serious pipeline issues with the RTX 3080 based upon the unprecedented situation of people actually wanting to buy something they're selling.
$50 to roast Quantum Computing. To do this properly, I first need to complete the Getting Started tutorial, which is a PhD at the University of Waterloo.
$69 to skewer @FluperOfficial. I was going to say something pithy until I saw their COO threatening to dox a former employee on LinkedIn. Maximum yikes!
$110 to point out that “CloudFormation except not crap” sounds like a weekend project, but @hashicorp is now worth over $5 billion. They won’t tell you how they did it because they also are excellent at secrets management.
$1,000 to separate myth from fact!
Myth: @Stripe has seen the future and built an API for money.
Fact: Stripe is a solid company, but they only look like visionaries comparatively because Large Banks + Internet = Complete Dogshit
Myth: @Stripe has seen the future and built an API for money.
Fact: Stripe is a solid company, but they only look like visionaries comparatively because Large Banks + Internet = Complete Dogshit
A $50 donation means I get to point out that @equinixmetal started life as "Packet Host," but Marketing decided that the best way to sell cloud services was to paint them with the "Data Center Company From 1998" branding brush instead.
$5100 (it's complicated but complies with election law) to tell you all that Resilience Engineering takes what used to be The Job ("Make sure the site stays up") and turns it into a demand for a raise, promotion, fancy title, and participation trophy.
$50 to highlight that @Carvana took the customer experience of being hustled at the buy-here/pay-here used car lot and brought it to the internet.
$1,000 to point out that @Docker is very cautious about getting into a situation where they accidentally make money. The last time that happened they quickly divested that part of the business to Mirantis.
$510 to make fun of blockchain. I know it's exactly $510 because they pointedly didn't make their donation in a currency backed by blockchain.
$110 to smacktalk @twilio. They're a $44 billion tech company that gives the telephone system an API so you can call millennial customers who won't answer their phones.
$250 notes that @tailscale has solved the biggest problem with VPNs: you can explain them to auditors.
$100 to mock my choice of @awscloud Guard Duty, Security Groups, or IAM. It's pretty clear that whichever one I pick is going to be the basis of the donor's new cloud security posture because nobody knows where these things start and stop anymore.
$50 to point out that if you stripped off the branding I'd swear that @MicrosoftTeams was an AWS product since teams that use it clearly can't talk to one another.
$250 to mock people who say "on-premise" instead of "on-premises." As if it's some kind of revelation that the folks who are doing it wrong are also saying it wrong.
$50 to mock people who miscapitalize @VMware. There's a lot of them, but back in 2003 @Dell gave them over $600 million to squander.
$50 to highlight the perils of re:Invent (AWS's own version of Cloud Next). What's to mock? I'm sure loads of people are taking the first three weeks of December off to watch a pile of videos.
$25 to point out that @SnowflakeDB is basically VC-subsidized RedShift except now you get to pay cross-AZ data transfer as well.
AWS remains nonplussed about which of its pockets money flows into.
AWS remains nonplussed about which of its pockets money flows into.
$50 points out that @nutanix owns the “hyperconverged infrastructure” space because if you give whatever nonsense you’re selling a catchy buzzword, your dominance of that buzzword will be uncontested.
$100 points out that @rackspace just closed out a good Q3, buoyed by their learning to spell "multicloud" in their Twitter profile. https://twitter.com/QuinnyPig/status/1291162691336392707
Note that at this point this thread has received reciepts for $20,695.50 in donations to @staceyabrams project http://gasenate.com .
We're not done yet. I'm just letting you know.
Send me a donation receipt, I'll mock a technology or company of your choice.
We're not done yet. I'm just letting you know.
Send me a donation receipt, I'll mock a technology or company of your choice.
$100 points out that in 1999 our panacea for all things was http://Zombo.com . 21 years later we instead have @VMwareTanzu, a Kubernetes/Bitnami/Pivotal/Heptio/Breakfast Cereal offering.
$120 to highlight that @CatchBenefits solves the single biggest problem with self employment benefits: the lack of an attractive mobile app to manage those things.
Next is $75 to talk about the concept of Desktops as a Service. What's to complain about? You can have your desktop live safely in the cloud so you don't need to buy a computer yourself. Just access that remote desktop from your--oh.
$25 donated to honor @cloudera, victims of the cruel Google April Fool’s Day “mapreduce” prank.
$25 to point out that @nikolamotor is following in the bold footsteps that Elon Musk set with Tesla: being investigated for securities fraud.
$100 to highlight the companies that built their own internal hosting companies / IaaS platforms. Yes, you’re a special unique exception case, but where do you think @IBMcloud came from?
$250 donated to mock @patrickc, which is hard since he’s reportedly a super nice guy.
Given that he founded Stripe with his brother, I wonder if there were any notable namespace Collisons?
Given that he founded Stripe with his brother, I wonder if there were any notable namespace Collisons?
$250 goes to point out that @darklang isn’t a real language, but on balance neither is Typescript.
