I think an important thing about understanding our upbringings influence on behavior is that it’s not at all “making excuses.” It is possible, and necessary, to understand trauma and socialization majorly impacting behavior AND to hold people accountable and establish boundaries.

Most of our behavior is informed by our environments and upbringings.

What we were taught, how we were taught, the folks who loved us, experiences we had and traumas (systemic, interpersonal, generational traumas) all shape who we are.

None of us just “turned out fine.”

It is also possible for two people to experience the same trauma and be differently impacted, so the idea that trauma can’t be a motivator because “I lived the same thing and it didn’t make me behave that way” is trauma manifesting in lack of empathy. But I’m getting off track.

Basically what I’m saying is that we can look at each other and be like, “I know that behavior IS in fact rooted in trauma, you WOULD behave differently if you had been taught differently and it is still unhealthy/harmful.”

With my own abusers, I know they were abused and shaped by their upbringings, and also are incredibly volatile, harmful to and unhealthy for me and need to be away from me. Understanding how all of these things exist at once is how we hold each other accountable + end cycles.

When we understand how these things shape us, collectively, we’re able to check ourselves about not reproducing violences, help prevent violences against those in our communities and intervene so our children, meaning all Black children, don’t experience what we did.

Basically what I’m saying is that the desire to dismiss violence, challenging behavior, and difficulty functioning within society as something “bad” about individuals (which starts young for Black children) is anti-Blackness we should sit with and address.

People largely do what they have been taught to do and have capacity to do based on their development. Instead of shaming folks for not doing what they “should” be, we should be helping one another develop fuller capacities. Especially our children within community.