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17 years ago today, my dad died.
I've cried a lot of tears about it since then. That was the day I became the man of the house. At thirteen years old. With a single immigrant mom who could barely take care of herself after losing her love.
I was lost. Truly. Alone in my grief.
I've cried a lot of tears about it since then. That was the day I became the man of the house. At thirteen years old. With a single immigrant mom who could barely take care of herself after losing her love.
I was lost. Truly. Alone in my grief.
I always say I had nobody to show me how to be a man. I had to figure out everything I know in life on my own. Every success I have is because of me alone. It sounds nice on paper. It made me stronger, probably, sure. But it also broke me.
At age 30, I finally feel like I'm on the right track. It took a lot to get here. I've fucked up so badly in my life. Trial and error. The Hard Way. That's how you learn when you don't have anyone to teach you. It's how I did, at least.
I think sometimes how different it would've been, if I'd had a father figure. Someone to ground me when I started skipping school. Someone to kick my ass when I started selling dope.
I look at my peers in my age group and see patterns. As a whole, the most successful ones,
I look at my peers in my age group and see patterns. As a whole, the most successful ones,
the most stable and normal ones, who have families of their own already, who have real careers and own homes, almost all of them have something in common. Two-parent upbringings
The ones who are addicts and criminals or even just regular minimum wage losers: single mom childhood
The ones who are addicts and criminals or even just regular minimum wage losers: single mom childhood
The importance of a strong male role model in a child's life is indisputable. There's no greater factor in my mind that contributes to the growth of a healthy adult man than the presence of his father. And yes, there are supermoms out there, but it's just not the same
I used to say if I ever had a kid, I would do anything in my power to be in his life. Absentee parents disgust me. Deadbeat dads should be buried up to their neck in a forest and left for carrion. I couldnt imagine having a child and not doing everything to give him his best life
But sometimes it doesn't work out like that. Sometimes life is funny and for circumstances out of your control, you just cant be there. Sometimes life is unfair and ends before it should. Sometimes you get no choice in the way things work.
Part of me is just ranting to get it off my chest and part of me I guess, is explaining to some of you, or to myself, why I am the way I am.
I'm an insecure little boy. I have no idea what it means to be a man. It's all trial and error to me. I'm still learning.
I'm an insecure little boy. I have no idea what it means to be a man. It's all trial and error to me. I'm still learning.
I'm wrong a lot. It's a calibration process. Sometimes I'm the poster child for "toxic masculinity" and I spaz out and get physical and act like a gorilla. Sometimes I view things through lenses that are wholly unhealthy and antithetical to my growth process and worldview.
I've never felt like I'm the man I should be, but I look back at how far I've come and that feeling doesnt last too long nowadays.
I always try to tell the young kids at work stuff I've learned in life. Little lessons that might save them some grief I had to go through
I always try to tell the young kids at work stuff I've learned in life. Little lessons that might save them some grief I had to go through
The idea of passing on what I've learned is important to me. Sharing knowledge with those who need it and receiving theirs in turn. Thats why I try to be so open everywhere. In my writing. In person. On this stupid site. We can all learn from each other...
And if someone can learn from me, or get something, anything, out of my stupid stories, rants, opinions; I want that to happen. Even if their reaction isnt always positive
I wanna have a kid someday, and that's weird to say. I never thought I'd be a good father until recently
I wanna have a kid someday, and that's weird to say. I never thought I'd be a good father until recently
but like I said earlier, I'm finally on the right track. Not very far down the track yet, but I'm on it
And hopefully at the end of the road, my kids wont have to learn the same lessons I did. And hopefully my dad is proud of me up there
I miss you every day, Dad
And hopefully at the end of the road, my kids wont have to learn the same lessons I did. And hopefully my dad is proud of me up there
I miss you every day, Dad
