cishet sex, esp. casual sex, can at times be emotionally devastating, except we're not supposed to complain abt it. fuck that, coz you can. You don't need legal validation for your experience. If you left a sexual encounter feeling shitty, that matters, even if it's not assault. https://twitter.com/clairlemon/status/1327105225035980802

took therapy to realise that a preference for legalistic/political language in grey situations (which may or may not be assault) also stemmed from feeling like my emotional experience didn't matter enough or at all. That is dangerous. Please normalise talking about your feelings.

tho funny people comment on this w 0 empathy. not only have been actually assaulted on *dates* but prevented a few by literally teaching some men how to ask for consent while escalating boundaries, literally stopping mid way make out and saying bro pls don't be a head pusher pls

tho do want to share how talking about it, even if after the incident can be really healing. post a ons w a significant boundary violation / borderline assault, after the guy left, I wept for hours, then texted him & told him how horrible it was. Turns out he was oblivious to it

didn't realise it was horrible for me, it was a good experience for him. at this point, there are folks who listen, there are those who will gaslight & blame you. he didn't & we were able to talk through it, even remain friendly, after. Not suppressing my feelings helped me deal.

when you read a lot of feminist theory, you can analyse a lot of things from that lens coz we live in an actively misogynistic world attempting to have relationships with people who benefit from our subjugation. but political analysis has limitations when it comes to emotions.

being able to pay attention to your feelings, your pleasures & prioritising it is crucial. It's not easy to do, but it can be learnt. if you're not having fun, don't do it. Normalise stopping thing mid-way, kicking people out if you're not having fun, you don't have to explain it

if someone is so oblivious to your presence + pleasure in a sexual encounter, what they're doing constitutes / feels like assault to you, please have your own back & don't go through it. It's awkward, guilt inducing but that's internalised patriarchy. You & your pleasure matters.

Casual encounters can be wonderful if there's mutual respect + care for boundaries, if you're on the same page emotionally. needs conversation & checking in. Onus on folks involved to do it. If you need something, talk abt it. Not talking is total bs. Make that convo happen.

we talk so much about shitty + trashy men, but we need to talk about how to make amazing, pleasurable encounters happen. Talk about what good sexual etiquette looks like. It's so rare it's unforgettable. Still talk about this one guy who surprised me so much by being... decent?

assault + abuse can happen anywhere. happens in queer spaces, as well as cishet spaces. But the standard to adopt is to err on the side of caution. Ask if you're not sure. if this is okay? Talk about what you want, don't push their head or hand (ew) if they're hesitant, give time

doesn't mean you go into a sexual encounter expecting to get what you want. don't be a ghoul. be gentle & sensitive. People have complicated trauma histories. If you can sense the person you're with particularly vulnerable or not okay, just stop. Use your judgement. Be human.

the best sexual etiquette I've come across re cismen (most women, even the problematic ones, set a higher std in this in my experience) - if you're drinking, ask & ascertain if the other person can give consent, onus on whoever initiates intimacy - if you initiate intimacy, check

at every level of escalation! Consent to kissing is not consent to anything else. DONT ASSUME. if someone says my head is spinning, stop instantly, offer water. Tell them it's okay if they wanna stop (it has to be ok). Offer space, safety, comfort even it's a hook up. Don't be

tbh the ratio for good encounters to shitty / borderline / actual assaults with cismen was v skewed for me personally to even expend the effort. but what I've taken away is learning what you want, being able to communicate it, seeing it as valid - is invaluable work for you to do

as for cismen, I can only say please go to therapy if you can access it. if someone you're intimate with feels like it's assault / traumatic, whether it constitutes legal definition or not, something's deeply wrong with that scenario. legally, not a rapist, is not a standard.

This applies to everyone too. Maybe our standard for sexual intimacy, whether casual or long term, must one where people look back and reminisce fondly, stories told with enthusiasm & joy, not ones with grief, disgust & trauma, culminating in therapy & researching legal standards