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The Playstation 4 released nearly 2 months after my first stroke (Nov 15 2013)
I was still having to stay lying down every day, had a severe migraine like headache every second since the stroke on Sept 23 (and this would still be the case for another 6 months). I lived in fog.
I was still having to stay lying down every day, had a severe migraine like headache every second since the stroke on Sept 23 (and this would still be the case for another 6 months). I lived in fog.
I couldn’t remember friend’s names some days, had zero hope of remembering what to do in a game unless it held my hand and was extremely linear.
Even the slightest movements of my head made retch with nausea. The world was frequently spinning. My hands would shake.
Even the slightest movements of my head made retch with nausea. The world was frequently spinning. My hands would shake.
M had made me a Fort in the living room of many ergo pillows and every morning he’d bring the queen size duvet from the bed to the living room floor so there was a big soft, supportive square I could lie in and barely move.
I don’t actually remember much else from that time.
I don’t actually remember much else from that time.
I had a lot of days where it would be blank. The memory just wouldn’t write to my brain so it was if the day hadn’t happened. This would continue for another 2-3 years on and off.
It very occasionally happens now, but with much shorter time periods (conversations).
It very occasionally happens now, but with much shorter time periods (conversations).
I still have a lot of difficulty writing the details of complex stories to my brain. I have a hard time being able to relay the details of favourite films, games, books.
I read way less books and play many less complex games now because remembering the details is so hard.
I read way less books and play many less complex games now because remembering the details is so hard.
It’s amazing how not being able to recall what happened in a fictional story that I was reading/playing 2-3 days ago stops me from being able to pick it up again. It’s pretty significant.
I’ve read 3 books since 2013 and that breaks my heart more than you can imagine.
I’ve read 3 books since 2013 and that breaks my heart more than you can imagine.
The only way I was able to read them was on escapist holidays in the mountains where I did nothing but read them for 3 days. Otherwise it’s so hard to keep my focus or get motivation to go back to something that’s just going to make me feel like a confused idiot.
This impacts games a lot, of course. It’s probably why I’ve struggled with picking up AAA games while working full time.
The only reason I played as many as I did in the past few years was 1. When I wasn’t working much and was in recovery 2. When I was streaming every day.
The only reason I played as many as I did in the past few years was 1. When I wasn’t working much and was in recovery 2. When I was streaming every day.
I do remember part of that time was me struggling to get back to work. I had art shows I’d committed to before the stroke and was determined not to drop out of. I pushed with trying to make art for a long time, but it was the same problem... I could only do small, simple pieces
This made me feel so bad about myself and my ability to be a professional artist or be taken seriously that I ended up making the decision to retire.
I’d already quit photography/film two weeks before the stroke in a huge blow up... I’m pretty sure it’s part of what led me to it
I’d already quit photography/film two weeks before the stroke in a huge blow up... I’m pretty sure it’s part of what led me to it
At the end of 2013 through all this M and I also bought a house and moved into it?!??? Still can’t believe we managed to do that when I was so disabled and unwell. We had help of course!
So, that was the first console generation change that I felt just wasn’t for people like me
So, that was the first console generation change that I felt just wasn’t for people like me
I didn’t feel excluded so much... it was just what it was and I was getting used to the fact that there were just a lot of disappointing things in the world that I was increasingly isolated from.
I’ve talked before about gaming during that recovery. It was in my early talks!
I’ve talked before about gaming during that recovery. It was in my early talks!
I just felt SO shut out from nearly all of gaming at the time, and while I knew it was an accessibility issue I was still blaming myself, my situation, my disabilities. Like we’re taught to be society.
It’s our job to OVERCOME and “adapt”. Except I couldn’t.
It’s our job to OVERCOME and “adapt”. Except I couldn’t.
It didn’t matter how hard I tried or how much I worked at it. Up until that point I’d somewhat been able to do that... adapting my controllers, changing the way I played physically and mentally (a LOT of notebooks).
But the stroke made it all far more profound.
But the stroke made it all far more profound.
I couldn’t play any first or third person game for a full 6-8 months, and even after that only bits at a time.
One of the only games I remember playing in the first months was Bastion iOS port. Lovely as ever.
I watched M game a LOT!! I made him play certain games
One of the only games I remember playing in the first months was Bastion iOS port. Lovely as ever.
I watched M game a LOT!! I made him play certain games
The irony of suddenly having time to play games after a 60-70 hour a week work schedule for years and I couldn’t play almost any.
As I started to rehab a bit I turned to rogue likes/lites. They became part of my rehab for co-ordination and memory. That’s another story!
As I started to rehab a bit I turned to rogue likes/lites. They became part of my rehab for co-ordination and memory. That’s another story!
I should make a point.
Sometimes in gaming we get swept up in the moment; the HYPE.
Being a “part” of that feels so vital that if we’re on the outside, it’s extremely alienating & depressing.
I think it also does weird things to people who are part of it, but another tangent
Sometimes in gaming we get swept up in the moment; the HYPE.
Being a “part” of that feels so vital that if we’re on the outside, it’s extremely alienating & depressing.
I think it also does weird things to people who are part of it, but another tangent
The console generation change is not the be all and end all of games. There’s many reasons someone might be unable to take part, not just disability - economic situations, family situations, responsibilities, work load... so many things.
Generation changes are not an overnight thing, despite what the community and hype makes us feel. I think in 2020 it’s probably feeling worse than ever with the proliferation and ubiquity of social platforms.
This console generational switch will last for years.
This console generational switch will last for years.
Most games on next gen don’t even come into their own until a year or two into it. It’s OK to wait, it’s ok if you have no choice but to wait, for whatever reason
I see you!! Only thing stopping me with this next generation, is not having the bandwidth for the stress, but still!
I see you!! Only thing stopping me with this next generation, is not having the bandwidth for the stress, but still!
If you can’t afford it, if you can’t join in with games and releases like you wish you could right now, it’s OK. There’s plenty of us sitting back and waiting until next year, hell, even 2022. There’s some epic games coming (
). They’ll always be coming.
). They’ll always be coming.
You don’t have to play everything, do everything, or be part of everything new and shiny to belong in gaming.
You don’t need the latest PC, console, game. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a fan, player, content creator - anything. You are legit, and you belong.
You don’t need the latest PC, console, game. It doesn’t matter whether you’re a fan, player, content creator - anything. You are legit, and you belong.
Lastly, it wasn’t me or my disabilities that were the problem - it was the games.
2013 and the PS4 was when I “woke up” to the realization that games accessibility needed a huge shift in approach and the lenses used:
It’s a design problem, not a player or disability problem.
2013 and the PS4 was when I “woke up” to the realization that games accessibility needed a huge shift in approach and the lenses used:
It’s a design problem, not a player or disability problem.
