what is it with black haired yellow eyed cat boys lately,,,

when I thought red and silver/grey eyes was top tier, yellow joined,, tho im still biased for red and grey,,,

Ah, you look at them boys, one voice goes "I want him", other grows even louder "I WANT TO BE HIM"

my fever keeps kicking in to the point I'm disgusted of myself, but reminds me, I kept trying to forget my dream cause it had something I wanted to forget,,

but, there was a black haired grey eyed person in my dream, and I cant remember much details about it, familiar,,

Ah why am I always attracted to assholes, mean and cold hearted boys,, who have really high standards, rich and end up revealing that they are gay/ace.

Thank god 3/4 of me is attracted in the way, I want to be like that, more than wanting to be with or I would have gotten my

heart shattered into pieces, since they are the type to reject everyone,

more than going senpai, I would go as master, cause I look forward to be like them,, I dont envy them tho, I just be like "yup thats my ideal type of who I want to be".

if only we can shape-shift :'(

if I say weird/repeated things, its cause im very lightheaded and dizzy,, I don't even know where am I,,,

should get back in bed, since I cancelled going out, but im so sick of sleeping, can't walk normally I keep tripping and feeling like I'm going to fall,, but I want yo study,, I want to do my homework and study for my exams,, but my throat hurts so I can't recite,, ugh even

the ear phones make me feel sick,, why now,,, dammit,, how did I even catch this, I literally isolated myself and stopped meeting my family,, I stopped eating dinner and lunch,, how come I got flu or whatever it is that im having,,,

and all my head can think about is catboys

I didn't just say thank god I never was into them and pretended that I never actually met a psychopath, rich and depressed intimidating artistic asshole, and accidentally cathedral feelings for him,,, and shattered my own heart,, that I became to the point I was

tw //

ok with believing he is dead and I almost dedicated my life to find his dead body and dig his grave and have him forever with me, but then I thought no, I like, who he is, and I want to take his dna and become a mad scientist and make a duplicate of his genes, a son of his

tw //

so not only i have someone made of him with me, but also, maybe experiment, super human? Winged human? Died? That's fine I can still make more humans out of his genes,,

took me five years after doing many things as praying to God to lose all my feelings for him

Using cross stitching as a mechanism to forget, the threads being my cluttered thoughts into a nice thread stitching a cute piece, and I forgot.

That, my memory is a mess, that I don't remember loving anyone, I don't think I loved him, I was obsessed, with the idea of loving.

Only when I look back at my playlists, and be like, then to whom are those broken hearted/love songs, if I never loved?

I didn't, it, was admiring feelings that I misunderstood them, and obsessive thought, that was just my escape from my real life.

thankfully, I gave up on all my crazy ideas, and let that person be,

have I broken my heart? Im not sure, but, it was one sided most probably, one sided misunderstanding as well.

so I never let myself catch feelings again, and im fine this way.

I just look back, to find myself a reckless crazy person..

I just want to be happy, and loved by my friends.