Thread by @Tiny_Camels, I want a novel that speaks to me a language I don’t [...]

I want a novel that speaks to me a language I don’t fully understand, such that I never know if I’m being seduced, or being roundly mocked.

I want a novel that will overtake me in the outside lane, laughing and waving, *while I’m reading it*.

I want a novel with Good Teeth, and Lots of Them.

I want a novel with the texture and action of pumice stone on skin.

I want a novel with a *hundred* words for snow, and no call for any of them.

I want a novel that comes with a little sachet of salt to sprinkle into it before reading.

I want a novel with the pages on the outside and the cover on the inside.

I want a novel that you can only read when you’re not both in the same room.

I want a novel that eats its young.

I want a novel made entirely of syllables.

A novel that can drink me under the table, then drink the table.

I want a novel that will walk my dog for me.

I want a novel that will walk *me* like a dog.

I want a novel the size of my little finger.

I want a novel that lives under my bed and makes sinister growling noises when I try to get up in the middle of the night to use the toilet.

I want a novel with ants in its pants.

I want a novel - no, wait - covered, entirely covered, from head to toe, in ants.

I want a novel that falls asleep before I do.

I want a novel the size of my entire head.

I want nicely built entirely from fourth walls.

I want a novel with arms, legs, hands, feet, a head, eyes, ears, nose, hair, fingernails, toenails, skin, and all internal organs. Also, genitalia. No elbows.

I want a novel that’s happy to put its whole hand inside my mouth.

I want a novel that will put me up for sale.

I want a novel that will talk about me behind my back.

I want a novel that will hover in the corner of my peripheral vision for hours at a time.

I want a novel that will miss me when I'm gone.

I want a novel with a button on the cover that, when you press it, it dissolves and removes all the words inside. When you hold the book for the first time you must ask, will I read this book, or destroy it for ever?

I want a novel in 3/4 time.

I want a novel that’s all basement and attic, with no habitable floors.

I want a novel as big as a house.

I want a novel with words you can peel off the page, roll into a ball, and flick at the wall.

I want a novel that rolls up in a ball like a woodlouse when you touch it.

I want a novel that looks exactly and I mean exactly like me.

I want a novel with at its heart a gobbet of indigestible gristle, something that you chew and chew and chew and chew and end up needing to discreetly eject into a napkin in front of the whole family.

I want a novel of independent means.

I want a novel that larfs and larfs and larfs, and larfs and larfs and larfs and larfs, and larfs and larfs and larfs.

I want a novel that lowers its eyelashes and tells me soft and shy that I’m not like all the other readers.

I want a novel that looks like you, and talks like you, and smells like you, and basically *is* you,

so I don’t have to deal with *you* any more.

I want a novel that uses every word in dictionary, once.

I want a novel that will read me a bedtime story.

I want a novel that gradually gets further away.

I want a novel that... I forget

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