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I don't think men fully understand how exhausting the endless barrage of smart-ass derailing comments from men are for women on the Internet. It's a bit like random strangers showing up to urinate on your living room rug & thinking they're clever for it.
I know that some of you know EXACTLY how annoying and exhausting your comments are and that's why you you write them, but in this case I'd really like to credit #NotAllMen.
Men, before you post your "witty one liner" in a woman's replies, you might ask yourself:
- Is my reply funny? (Odds are no, it's not.)
- Is my reply actually sexist/racist/etc.?
- How many men have already made this comment to this woman 100x today?
- Is my reply funny? (Odds are no, it's not.)
- Is my reply actually sexist/racist/etc.?
- How many men have already made this comment to this woman 100x today?
If you're feeling brave, you might interrogate why you need to wade into a productive conversation other people are holding to derail it and draw negative attention to yourself.
I'm serious.
This is a good topic to discuss with your therapist.
I'm serious.
This is a good topic to discuss with your therapist.
Men, you might also give yourself the gift of leaning to engage with women* in a non-destructive, non-derailing way, because you are missing out on great, enriching, stimulating, entertaining conversations -- while degrading those conversations for other people, too.
*I'm framing this in terms of men and women because I'm a woman suffering a bumper crop of derailing men lately, but A) gender isn't a binary, and B) this is, always, about kyriarchy, not gender.
If you like to play life on an EXTRA HARD SETTING and you want to LEVEL UP, look up the Buddhist practice of "Right Speech," think about it, and try to apply it.
*No, I am not your Google. Not today. Your search term, ideally in @DuckDuckGo, is "Buddhist right speech." https://twitter.com/ShaulaEvans/status/1326617695920418817
Men, I'm genuinely telling you from a place of care and goodwill: the childish, annoying, derailing, destructive behaviours your mates reward you for are exhausting to the rest of us. They really are. Maybe you didn't know because no one told you before so I am telling you now.
If you have any amount of social privilege (and most of us in some ways do), you might consider how your willingness to burn up the energy, time, patience, and attention of more marginalized people is a form of oppression and covert violence.
THANK YOU, from the heart, to the men (and people with other forms of privilege--and everyone) who show up in my mentions with sincerely, thoughtful, vulnerable replies. I see you, I appreciate you, and I adore you.
I believe everyone has more to contribute than derailing, one-liners, trolling, or playing devil's advocate, if you can get past your own insecurity and take the risk of engaging with others in a mature, sincere way. There is space for you at the adult table when you're ready.
Further to what Lisa says here: Heartfelt, real engagement is more valuable, more effective professional networking, more effective socializing, (far!) more effective flirting than you realize -- the means to advance your own goals. https://twitter.com/JLisaJay/status/1326636725083406336
