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Anyway, it's Wednesday, so I'm going to share something we talked about and I learned in therapy this morning:
It's possible to be the kind of person with the kind of formative history when *any* feedback is received as destructive criticism.
It's possible to be the kind of person with the kind of formative history when *any* feedback is received as destructive criticism.
You might know this if when someone tells you that something could be better, or if you missed something, or perhaps you could consider something a different way, you start to feel ashamed. It could physically feel like your ears are burning. Your face feels hot. You are bad.
When this happens you might recognize that you're falling down a pit:
why didn't I notice this, I should've known, this was a stupid mistake, I'm stupid, I don't know what I'm doing, now they won't trust me, I don't get anything right...
why didn't I notice this, I should've known, this was a stupid mistake, I'm stupid, I don't know what I'm doing, now they won't trust me, I don't get anything right...
At some point this might have happened so much in your life that you learned to never seek feedback.
You might think back and see a time where you realized that you shouldn't ask for help.
Because asking for help means you'll find out you did it wrong. And that's your fault.
You might think back and see a time where you realized that you shouldn't ask for help.
Because asking for help means you'll find out you did it wrong. And that's your fault.
On later reflection, you might realize this happened early on in your life.
That at some point, you learned that it wasn't worth asking an adult for help. Because it feels like there aren't any you can trust. And so you learn not to ask for help at all.
That at some point, you learned that it wasn't worth asking an adult for help. Because it feels like there aren't any you can trust. And so you learn not to ask for help at all.
Many, many years later, you might encounter someone who gives you feedback. You know the feedback is coming. Your body remembers. Your stomach knots up, your face feels hot in anticipation, you start to feel jittery and nervous.
You are going to be told off. You are bad.
You are going to be told off. You are bad.
And then they give you the feedback and it goes a bit like this:
"I see what you were trying to do. You may not have noticed that this other thing happened. You're really important, and I want and need you to succeed. So I'm telling you this for next time."
"I see what you were trying to do. You may not have noticed that this other thing happened. You're really important, and I want and need you to succeed. So I'm telling you this for next time."
So then you stop because now you're confused.
You didn't get yelled at. You're not in trouble. They told you what you did and what you could do differently next time. They said it in a way that showed they're looking out for you and that your improvement matters to them.
You didn't get yelled at. You're not in trouble. They told you what you did and what you could do differently next time. They said it in a way that showed they're looking out for you and that your improvement matters to them.
Weeks, months later you realize this, because you didn't realize it at the time, you just noticed that the entire sensation was different and was confusing.
Someone who cares about you and your success gave you feedback so you can get better. They want you to do better.
Someone who cares about you and your success gave you feedback so you can get better. They want you to do better.
If and when this happens, and if and when you realize this, you might break down. Because you may feel that this is unfair. Why did it take so long? Why didn't you have this earlier in your life?
And because this time you noticed, it will happen again and again and again.
And because this time you noticed, it will happen again and again and again.
If this happens it will be heartbreaking.
You might start to learn that there are people out there who care about you and want you to get better and the feedback they give you is out of love and respect.
Your body might still *feel* like you're being yelled at.
You might start to learn that there are people out there who care about you and want you to get better and the feedback they give you is out of love and respect.
Your body might still *feel* like you're being yelled at.
And it's going to keep being confusing because your body remembers being yelled at, but it's easier to hear the words these people are using.
It might take you many, many, many years to start trusting people as if they care about you and want to see you thrive.
It might take you many, many, many years to start trusting people as if they care about you and want to see you thrive.
Every so often, you might notice it. For a long time, you might only notice afterwards.
Someone might pull you aside and give you some advice. Your body will react in an instant.
But maybe bit by bit, very, very slowly, you might start recognizing they're not yelling at you.
Someone might pull you aside and give you some advice. Your body will react in an instant.
But maybe bit by bit, very, very slowly, you might start recognizing they're not yelling at you.
It might take you days. Weeks even:
This happened. But I guess... I didn't get yelled at. They still take to me. They still want to talk to me. They still... ask me to do things? Maybe they still trust me?
This happened. But I guess... I didn't get yelled at. They still take to me. They still want to talk to me. They still... ask me to do things? Maybe they still trust me?
Maybe it takes months. Or years.
One day, it might happen that you think:
They didn't tell me because they were disappointed or angry or they wanted me to feel bad.
They told me because they wanted to help me.
One day, it might happen that you think:
They didn't tell me because they were disappointed or angry or they wanted me to feel bad.
They told me because they wanted to help me.
And then that might open up a whole cycle all again because it might remind you:
why. didn't. i. have. this. earlier. in. my. life.
why. didn't. i. have. this. earlier. in. my. life.
You might even notice you've been in a trap. You need feedback because sometimes it gives you praise. You were Good. You did it Right.
But you never know when did Bad. There's one chance you get 100%. Over a hundred chances that you don't.
The trap feels horrible.
But you never know when did Bad. There's one chance you get 100%. Over a hundred chances that you don't.
The trap feels horrible.
There might be different traps, too.
There might be people in your life who've chosen to be with you in the most important ways. But you and your body might have learned not to trust or imagine that people want to help you instead of punish you.
There might be people in your life who've chosen to be with you in the most important ways. But you and your body might have learned not to trust or imagine that people want to help you instead of punish you.
But this person or these people are important and have chosen you, and you have chosen them.
And this collides with what you've learned about asking for help and trust.
And so those people might end up being the hardest to ask for help.
And this collides with what you've learned about asking for help and trust.
And so those people might end up being the hardest to ask for help.
You might imagine that it feels horrific to them. Even that thought might make you feel terrible. They chose to be with you, and yet you do not trust them. After a while, if it applied to you and you learned, you might try to say: it's not you. I learned not to trust anyone.
It might feel like saying that won't be helpful. It might not be. There is a chance it might be, though.
If they are important to you, they have to understand why it's so hard for you to trust anyone and to ask for help.
If they are important to you, they have to understand why it's so hard for you to trust anyone and to ask for help.
If they are important to you, they have to understand why it's the hardest for you to ask for help from *the people you should trust the most*.
This might be incredibly hard for that person to understand. Especially if they haven't had a history like yours.
"Why can't you trust me? Out of everyone, why can't you trust *me*?"
Or:
"Why is it easier to trust {list of people} than *me*?"
"Why can't you trust me? Out of everyone, why can't you trust *me*?"
Or:
"Why is it easier to trust {list of people} than *me*?"
And maybe if this happened to you or is happening to you maybe after a while you'll start thinking to yourself and recognizing:
there are people out there who want to support and help me and see me grow and thrive
they might have always been there
there are people out there who want to support and help me and see me grow and thrive
they might have always been there
you might realize that there are some people who have very deliberately and publicly chosen to take on that work in your life
you aren't in trouble
they want to help you
you aren't in trouble
they want to help you
you aren't in trouble
they want to help you
you aren't in trouble
they want to help you
If you have ever felt like this, it may not feel like it but there are people who want to help you and don't want you to get in trouble.
If you can find someone to talk to about this and you're ready, take one little step.
If you can find someone to talk to about this and you're ready, take one little step.
