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Feeling a lot today...I'm just not able to understand some things. Mostly stuff to do with being a dark skinned Black woman in this country and industry. Sick of having my name/work deemed unnecessary or erased. Sick of feeling punished/judged for my success. It's making me sick.
Damned if you speak. Damned if you don't. Damned if you write one way. Damned if you try to another another. Damned for expecting to be seen. Damn. Generally trying to exist and thrive in a world and industry constantly saying that not what we expect from you. Damn.
These may seen like answers but they're in fact just questions. What's the allergy around success for not-so-young Black woman? What's your gauge that I am being 'Black' enough? Am I even alive to you? Why you erase my name and my work so frequently?
Should Black writers only be celebrated for telling Black stories? Do I only exist when I am doing just that? Fuck what happens when people that should support have decided that having one than one play on is you taking up too much space? Are we really still buying into that?
Last night I talked with group of 1st year drama students about the moment I decided that I had to write. And those reasons still stand but tbh sometimes still floored by how callous, blatant, and elitist industry can be - and some of that from people apparently 'changing things'
Don't know why but today I've lost a bit of heart talking about change when all people are actually talking about is seeing their small circle of BFF's win. That's not change that's just replicating the system in place. Black work is Black work. Choose to uplift or erase?
So many brilliant dark-skinned Black women creatives work is barely recognised by same people saying they're here for Black women. Because...because not right age (young)...because not telling certain stories...because how they speak...because enjoying hard earned success...
I usually don't let it get to me but it's hurts we're doing this to each other. I am not your enemy for taking up space that I have spent 18 years working hard for. You don't have to erase me to ensure your success. Trust me that's internalised racism and we cannot build with it.
Anyway back to writing more plays that are going to confound ideas about what Blackness is or isn't. Back to script editor work with 2 writers so they enter screenwriting in a supportive way. Back to doing the work to sure orgs/buildings understand we have big work to do...
Back to uplighting and celebrating other Black and Brown women in this whole industry because there is not a single one of us that hasn't had to fight and cry and fail again and again to be seen. And you go back to asking 'Why doesn't she just tell stories how we expect her to?'
