Read on Twitter
THE ANGRY ORANGE MAN AND THE VERY MANY VERY BAD SOCIALISMS 
~~ An angry orange man story*~~
Once upon a time there was an angry orange man, and he was very very angry.
Part of why he was so angry was because SOCIALISM.
*now with emojis
~~ An angry orange man story*~~
Once upon a time there was an angry orange man, and he was very very angry.
Part of why he was so angry was because SOCIALISM.
*now with emojis
Because socialisms are BAD y'all. All of them.
What? There aren't any? Hush! This isn't about facts
So, the angry orange man vowed to fight socialism, and anyone who thinks people who live in a wealthy, Western democracy are entitled to stuff like, say, universal healthcare.
What? There aren't any? Hush! This isn't about facts
So, the angry orange man vowed to fight socialism, and anyone who thinks people who live in a wealthy, Western democracy are entitled to stuff like, say, universal healthcare.
And he wasn't alone – he has special friends in high places.
The angry orange man switches tense a lot
He is as part of a special club called “republicans”. They are like a team that cheers for “jesus”, income inequality and control over other people’s uteruses.
The angry orange man switches tense a lot
He is as part of a special club called “republicans”. They are like a team that cheers for “jesus”, income inequality and control over other people’s uteruses.
Actually, they are literally a team that cheers for “jesus”, income inequality and control over other people’s uteruses.
What was I thinking!
Nuance?
Acceptance?
Liberty?
LOL
What was I thinking!
Nuance?
Acceptance?
Liberty?
LOL
The "republicans" are also a lot like cheerleaders for billionaires.
There is one called Lindsey Graham who has, or is, a skirt. He has a cheerleading skirt for whomever has the tapes, or, whoops sorry, whomever has the most best stuff for the People Of South Carolina.
Sorry.
There is one called Lindsey Graham who has, or is, a skirt. He has a cheerleading skirt for whomever has the tapes, or, whoops sorry, whomever has the most best stuff for the People Of South Carolina.
Sorry.
(It's not like we care whether Lindsey wears a skirt. Anyone who would like to can wear a skirt. And look amazing. And we'd cheer him or her on if he or she did... or if Lindsey came out with us one night. Or just came out. Or whatever. Is it THAT BAD LINDSEY?! Seriously?)
Anyway.
The angry orange man has lots of friends in red hats. His friends in red hats say NO SOCIALISM. And they say also say PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.
They are very angry about a place called Venezuela. It is funny, because most of them have never yet left Arkansas.
The angry orange man has lots of friends in red hats. His friends in red hats say NO SOCIALISM. And they say also say PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.
They are very angry about a place called Venezuela. It is funny, because most of them have never yet left Arkansas.
Although I heard a rumour about a very nice smiley touchy-feely man who comes from Arkansas so maybe it's nice there too. And his wife is smart. And they did not hate Venezuela.
I digress.
I would never do the full Bill Clinton. That would be ... far more interesting
I digress.
I would never do the full Bill Clinton. That would be ... far more interesting
Anyway, "personal responsibility" means having the right to experience medical bankruptcy in all its glory and inability to contribute to society.
Because no man is truly free until he is crippled by six-figure medical bills that cost more than a two-bedroom house in rural Iowa.
Because no man is truly free until he is crippled by six-figure medical bills that cost more than a two-bedroom house in rural Iowa.
Kidding! Medical bills don't really cost that much.
*checks notes*
Wait, f*ck, they do.
Sorry guys.
*checks notes*
Wait, f*ck, they do.
Sorry guys.
Personal responsibility is also when you avoid calling an ambulance when your cousin McKayleigh falls off a ladder because she mixed Grandpa's 2017 hooch with her Mountain Dew and her deductible is more than she made at Chick-Fil-A all summer.
With double shifts.
With double shifts.
McKayleigh's arm works funny now, but at least AMERICA ISN'T VENEZUELA.
Sorry, I didn't mean to yell. It's just that somehow Venezuela is very important even though it's actually irrelevant.
Have you heard of a false dichotomy?
Sorry, I didn't mean to yell. It's just that somehow Venezuela is very important even though it's actually irrelevant.
Have you heard of a false dichotomy?
It's a lot like when you say a country has to be either America or Venezuela.
It's like when you forget there are lots of countries in the middle, like Guatemala and Panama.
Oh wait, I meant politically, not geographically.
Well, that works too.
It's like when you forget there are lots of countries in the middle, like Guatemala and Panama.
Oh wait, I meant politically, not geographically.
Well, that works too.
Okay so, There are some crazy countries out there like Canada, and Iceland.
They have such strange ideas where they expect the taxes they pay mean that they will be entitled to some sort of protection from poverty.
I mean... it's crazy, right? Taxes pay for the military.
They have such strange ideas where they expect the taxes they pay mean that they will be entitled to some sort of protection from poverty.
I mean... it's crazy, right? Taxes pay for the military.
Or... call me crazy here... if they purchase a health insurance policy it means they actually have health insurance. And that the taxes they've paid for their whole lives might mean than they can attain the standard of living referred to in the majority of American ads for stuff.
... and stuff.
Anyway, can you see how personal responsibility is a wonderful thing?
It's much better than paying reasonable insurance premiums and having sensible expectations around nasty, responsible things like taxes.
Because, SMALL GOVERNMENT.
And VENEZUELA, y'all!
It's much better than paying reasonable insurance premiums and having sensible expectations around nasty, responsible things like taxes.
Because, SMALL GOVERNMENT.
And VENEZUELA, y'all!
Sorry, I got angry again IN ALL CAPS because ... sometimes the angry orange man's friends steal my keyboard.
It is time for another raspberry vodka. And maybe a cookie. Or some Valium. Or all of the above.
It is time for another raspberry vodka. And maybe a cookie. Or some Valium. Or all of the above.
They say: it is not weird at all that people in a wealthy Western democracy like America would think about cost when it comes to medical emergencies.
I say...
It is not weird at all.
Not even a tiny bit.
Okay maybe it's a little bit exceptionally extremely weird and wrong.
I say...
It is not weird at all.
Not even a tiny bit.
Okay maybe it's a little bit exceptionally extremely weird and wrong.
Do you know why the orange angry man hates "socialism" so much?
Because sometimes a socialism isn’t a socialism. It's like when the republican party hired an actor named Ronald Reagan to say that healthcare is socialism.
Because nobody wanted to be a communist in the 1950s.
Because sometimes a socialism isn’t a socialism. It's like when the republican party hired an actor named Ronald Reagan to say that healthcare is socialism.
Because nobody wanted to be a communist in the 1950s.
I didn't make that part up.
It's almost a lot very much so much like when the republican party people hired Ronald Reagan to say that healthcare is socialism.
Because nobody wants to be a communist in the 1950s.
It's SO much like that.
It's almost like it's opportunistic.
But obviously not.
Because nobody wants to be a communist in the 1950s.
It's SO much like that.
It's almost like it's opportunistic.
But obviously not.
Wait, what? I did not say that twice.
Who mentioned communism? Nobody! But that doesn't matter (LOL).
It's really easy to swap words around. Your broken arm got healed by communism.
Do you see how easy it is? Now you're a communist. Too bad, so sad. You're Lenin. Sad!
Who mentioned communism? Nobody! But that doesn't matter (LOL).
It's really easy to swap words around. Your broken arm got healed by communism.
Do you see how easy it is? Now you're a communist. Too bad, so sad. You're Lenin. Sad!
Wait, what, you didn't sign up for communism?
Neither did did I, but apparently either/or propositions are all the rage.
Be gone with all your nuance and study of history and politics. Because, idk.
Things that happened before* don't happen again.
*they do, a lot
Neither did did I, but apparently either/or propositions are all the rage.
Be gone with all your nuance and study of history and politics. Because, idk.
Things that happened before* don't happen again.
*they do, a lot
So what is it you don't like about Venezuela?
MAGA: Stuff. ALL THE STUFF. SHARED STUFF.
Me: So you don't like sharing?
MAGA: SHARING IS GOOD.
Me: Oh, cool, so yeah. Let's share stuff.
MAGA: BUT NOT THAT STUFF.
Me: Okay, so we share the Oreo's but not the other snacks?
MAGA: Stuff. ALL THE STUFF. SHARED STUFF.
Me: So you don't like sharing?
MAGA: SHARING IS GOOD.
Me: Oh, cool, so yeah. Let's share stuff.
MAGA: BUT NOT THAT STUFF.
Me: Okay, so we share the Oreo's but not the other snacks?
MAGA: NOT THE DOUBLE STUFF.
Me: Why not the double stuff?
MAGA: Because PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.
Me: Okay ... what?
MAGA: That's a lot of stuff. And none of us are responsible for that.
ME: Wait, what? But stuff...
Me: Why not the double stuff?
MAGA: Because PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY.
Me: Okay ... what?
MAGA: That's a lot of stuff. And none of us are responsible for that.
ME: Wait, what? But stuff...
Anyway.
The angry orange man has a friend called the jowly orange turtle.
The jowly orange turtle also doesn't like the socialiams.
Or anything, really.
The angry orange man has a friend called the jowly orange turtle.
The jowly orange turtle also doesn't like the socialiams.
Or anything, really.
The jowly orange turtle only cares about "special interest groups", filibustering and "The People of Kentucky".
Kidding!
The jowly orange turtle doesn't actually care about the people of Kentucky at all.
Because why would you care about anyone who earns 447x less than you.
Kidding!
The jowly orange turtle doesn't actually care about the people of Kentucky at all.
Because why would you care about anyone who earns 447x less than you.
Like, seriously, the median wage of the average Kentuckian is 447x Mitch's net worth.
(You can check that on the internets.)
The jowly orange turtle can clearly relate to the people of Kentucky.
I can see why they like him.
(You can check that on the internets.)
The jowly orange turtle can clearly relate to the people of Kentucky.
I can see why they like him.
WTAF KENTUCKY.
...
...
DO YOU EVEN
Actually just forget it.
I cannot...
NO REALLY WHEN I SAY I CANNOT I MEAN I CANNOT WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING.
...
...
DO YOU EVEN
Actually just forget it.
I cannot...
NO REALLY WHEN I SAY I CANNOT I MEAN I CANNOT WHY DO YOU KEEP ASKING.
Even if his voters believed in science...
... it's not like cognitive dissonance shows up on an MRI anyway.
... even if they could afford the $2,600 co-pay.
... because that's a lot of money
It's almost like heathcare companies are trying to make a profit out of suffering.
... it's not like cognitive dissonance shows up on an MRI anyway.
... even if they could afford the $2,600 co-pay.
... because that's a lot of money
It's almost like heathcare companies are trying to make a profit out of suffering.
TBC
