It’s easy to feel like a burden. We might have had parents that were too busy, too tired, or too poorly attuned to us to adequately meet our needs. Children easily blame themselves for what they don’t get from their caregivers, and keep blaming themselves well into adulthood.

We think, “I’m too much trouble. If I make myself small enough, I won’t be a problem and then I’ll still be loved.” But that didn’t really work when we were children and it doesn’t work at all now that we are adults. We need connection and others need to feel connected to us.

This happens a lot. Some part of us, when we are small, devises a plan to keep us safe. The plan is not a great one because, you know, a small child came up with it. But it sort of works enough to keep us functioning, and it keeps on sort of working, so we just... never stop it.

But then we become adults and those strategies don’t just stop working—they actually start working against us. Those parts of us have no insight, no sense of perspective. They see trouble and they react, just they way they always have. It’s not their fault—they’re trying to help.

So what do we do about it? There is no easy or universal solution. I sometimes say to those parts of me, “Thank you so much for protecting me all these years. You were very brave. But I’ve got it from here.” It helps. And everyone involved feels relieved, if a bit silly.