Some assorted thoughts about something that has bothered me for a long time. Buckle up: this thread could get long /1

Watching Fellowship of the Ring with Nikki (my wife) after many years. It’s very very good. But so many holes. Such as:

Why did Sauron reach for Islidor’s head, exposing himself to such a high risk of death? /2

When he did indeed die and his ENTIRE ARMY dissolved, why did his finger survive? /3

Also, if he poured his cruelty into the ring, did that mean he had no cruelty left? Or is this like bank deposits and money, that it multiplied upon exchange? /4

Not sure that this is a problem, but the hobbits’ pigs are the size of their cows. Worth noting. /5

The mismatch in quality between Elijah Wood and Ian McKellen on the same team is so stark. Reminds me of reading FOMC minutes featuring Yellen and Kohn versus some Reserve Bank Presidents who will remain nameless /6

Watching Frodo search frantically for the ring is me looking for my car keys once a week during Covid when I drive /7

(I meant Bilbo FYI, something I’m likely to confuse again and again)

I wish my ears moved like Bilbo’s when people I’m trying to dodge are searching for me /8

Why does the ring so powerful it distorts the entire force of nature have as its primary magical manifestation...invisibility? Seriously, in the great debates about best super powers invisibility barely cracks the top 50. /9

Surely it is a universal opinion that Elijah Wood is a major weakness in this film? Who active in 2001 should have been cast instead? /10

I wonder about the incidence of lung cancer and/or cirrhosis in The Shire /11

Why does Gandalf have the power to discern Gollum’s tortured confession but had to go to an old-fashioned library to learn the most important story in history? /12

Saruman lives in a tower bedecked in evil, just as an architectural matter. It is not subtle.

Gandalf’s powers of discernment are...uneven. /13

Gandalf’s insult to Saruman—that he traded reason for madness—is taken as an insult that a wizard cannot abide.

Their Twitter fights would have been really something. /14

Even odds whether the hobbits want the mushrooms for flavor or psilocybin /15

Aragorn is very very good looking. Seems like that would make it harder to hide in the crowd /16

If I were Aragorn I would have hidden away from the Ring Wraiths a bit further than across the hallway at the inn. /17

If I had the power to build orcs I think I would spend a little more time on facial construction up front so I wouldn’t have to use staples after the fact. I mean, they are ALMOST there. Why rush it? /18

Wait, the ring wraiths can see through the invisibility but are also afraid of fire? /19

Sarumon’s new orcs rock a mean power pose. I know the social science is mixed to negative about the efficacy but gotta think this new orc’s self esteem is off the charts /20

I am convinced that Liv Tyler is at least part elf. /21

The ring wraiths see the magic water horses and run...deeper into the river. Just saying, I think the strategy to defeat them is at our very fingertips. /22

Agent Smith as the Elf King is masterful. Basically the same character, just told from different perspectives. /23

Seriously, “there’s no strength in the world of men” is exactly something Agent Smith would say. /24

One day I want to develop a talent as refined as Elrond/Agent Smith’s talent for eyebrows /25

It is very possible that this thread will live on through ALL THREE EXTENDED VERSIONS but that will take time because they are very long movies and I am tired, to be continued /26

Oh it’s on again /27

Elijah Wood, my goodness. My resting face on Zoom meetings where I am actually checking email is more authentically expressive. /28

Letting Frodo decide whether to go through the mountains or the mines is like letting the central bankers pick a monetary regime. Maybe doesn’t make tons of sense on its own terms but who else will do it, Boromir? /29

If you’re going to go to all the trouble of locking a gate with a riddle seems like you’ll want a harder riddle? /30

I don’t have a good grasp on Gandalf’s magic. Seems like he can do stuff that would make a lot of their hardships not so hard. /31

People I would not bring with me on a quest that requires cunning and competence:

Mary
Took
Gimley
Boromir

At some point back with Elrond don’t you say hey, dudes, we’re good, we’re traveling light, you catch the next adventure? /32

Gandalf giving a judgmental eye to Frodo about “a pity Gollum wasn’t killed” and then urging Took to commit suicide down the well is an intriguing contrast. /33

I would bring six of Legolas’s friends on the other hand. /34

Also, get at least one or two more wizards, especially if you can find someone of Ian McKellen’a talents to portray them /35

EXCEPT...and this is my point from above...he didn’t have the magic for just ONE pull-up? He’s an old guy I get it but dude just sword chopped his way through an orc army and against Beelzebub, so I kinda a think his upper body was equal to the task /36

Cate Blanchett is so magnificent I cannot make full eye contact with the screen when she is on it and only in part because she will read my mind /37

I wonder about the global inequality comparing eg the Elvin kingdom to The Shire to the mines. I’m guessing vast differences in quality of life and luxury consumption but I can’t tell what barriers to trade and population movement we observe. Seems autarky all the way down /38

My favorite part of this thread is that there are two bots that like every tweet that mentions Elijah Wood even though I am throwing some serious shade his way. Give it a try! It’s fun! /39

Where do orcs figure into our moral universe? Weaponized animals? Seems more complex than that and I think after the war is over they should grapple with this. /40

At first I thought that traveling in the wide open of the river is a poor strategy but then I remembered how easily the ring wraiths got tripped up by how water works that I am withholding judgment /41

When Frodo says to Boromir “you are not yourself” let’s be honest, Boromir generally is not a lovely man /42

Boromir is mostly a drag on this quest and yet I grieve him. /43

There’s a strong “just a flesh wound” vibe from the giant orc Aragorn kills slowly. /44

This ends the second installment of my live tweeting LOTR even tho @TimDuy thinks I am drunk. I’m nowhere near done. /45

What’s that? The Shelton news has you feeling sad & eager for amateurish running commentary on a beloved classic that inspires almost cartoonish loyalty?

Well I have 30 mins left of the FOTR, Boromir is dead & Elijah Wood’s dumb face is trying to cry so this will be lit. /46

Also, an update on the Elijah Wood bots who are tracking this thread with algorithmic precision /47

Rudy as Samwise is very good. Can’t believe that guy got sucked into the Adam Sandler franchise after this. /48

Where does Legolas get all his arrows? Magic replenishment or does he remove to the woods to rebuild or remove from orc skulls? /49

Twist! The movie ended but the clock still says 27 mins to go. The extended version is just Enya singing over extras?? I want my money back! /50

Actually 27 minutes of credits while they list every single extra who played an orc.

On to the Two Towers! /51

Gandalf lives! Good for him.

But the core strength needed to fall and fight Beelzebub *vastly* exceeds what was needed to do that pull-up.

I’m guessing he was as sick of Elijah W as the rest of us. /52

One wonders about about the first day Gollum started on all fours. There was that day. Also, seems like his shoulder muscles would be better developed. /53

“The ring will hold you to your word” is not a thing that (a) Elijah would know or (b) that seems true based on all the cruelty and evil that Sauron poured into it. /54

The tensions between the generations of orcs have a real star-belly plain-belly Sneetches energy about them. /55

I’ve watched my share of Forged in Fire and I would not have confidence in the blade integrity of the orc steel. The quench seems all wrong. /56

Truly the worst part of being a parent is that I am USELESS when I see parental love or sacrifice, however mawkish. The villager loading up her children and promising reunion, just killed me. /57

Also, first day the man named Worm tongue shows up looking and sounding like that and offering his services as a royal consigliere King Rohan needed to give a hard pass. /58

Offering a single small beheaded orc for dinner to an orc army seems like it would do odd things to incentives and morale. Not a profile in leadership for that orc General I’m afraid to say /59

The ents have me repenting a bit from my chainsaw-happy ways these last few years. Hope there’s not a reckoning coming. /60

The fallen dead beneath the water shall be revisiting me tonight in my dreams I am quite sure. /61

Where do they get the flying dinosaurs? /62

Are there any beautiful people who are wicked in this universe? /63

Did Jackson blend Gandalf and Saruman’s voices in the White Wizard prior to the unveiling? /64

What if...and hear me out...Sauron made another ring? /65

Calling Rohan a “kingdom” seems a bit much. A village with the big house up on the side of a mountain? /66

The fight scene in Rohan is so funny to me. Legolas and Aragorn kick serious horsemen butt while Gimley just sorta runs around trying to look busy. Story of the whole movie really. /67

Ian McKellen is truly magnificent whether grey or white /68

Aragorn’s willingness to spare Worm tongue after slaughtering countless orcs requires some moral gymnastics that elude me /69

Sauruman complaining that Worm Tongue stinks of horse made me laugh. I wager every last blessed one of these Lords and Ladies of the Ring likely smell of hot musty nonsense given the absence of, for ex, plumbing /70

Samwise bringing around that big pot all the way to the fires of Mt Doom. I get it. Pots come in handy for all kinds of things. /71

The ecosystem that supports ents, giant elephants, flying dinosaurs, and hobbits is very complex indeed. The oxygen content in the atmosphere must be off the charts. /72

Why are so many men riding horseback to Helms Deep while children walk? /73

This entire thread is an exercise in sardonic distraction but truly Peter Jackson is a genius /74