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yesterday i told my therapist that i struggle stepping into my power. that ive always been a perfectionist, overcompensated and strived to be the best out of fear i’d be discarded and cast out. i told her i’ve always suppressed anger and myself bc no one gives me space to be me+
and she said.. who has cast you out? who has switched up on you for being yourself? i genuinely couldn’t think of a time and was so confused to this feeling of neglect i’ve always had. she said it has to come from somewhere.. so i said.. maybe friends? not my friends now but idk
i was so confused and then my therapist asked me
“when did you realize you were black? it caught me off guard.. but i said 5 or 6.. in kindergarten. and she said, “how did you know?” and i said.. because growing up.. the white girls were favored by teachers. the boys+
“when did you realize you were black? it caught me off guard.. but i said 5 or 6.. in kindergarten. and she said, “how did you know?” and i said.. because growing up.. the white girls were favored by teachers. the boys+
paid attention to them.. they had friend groups of only white people. i wasn’t invited to sleepovers. they’d choose each other over me. they always thought i was “funny & crazy”..judged me subtly. they were all passive aggressive and shamed me for my assertiveness. they were fake
my 3rd grade teacher told me i wasn’t smart enough to be in the accelerated learning program.. even though i was.. i’ve always felt like i wasn’t seen so i started overcompensating. if i’m the best at everything i do, people have to see me. you can’t deny greatness and i’m great
i started doing that at 6 years old and i just wanted to be seen. my therapist said i was picking up on the micro aggressions of my white peers in class. i was picking up on the neglect at home and at school. i didn’t feel secure in my ability to be myself
so i began to compensate to fit the white gaze and standards. i started suppressing my anger at SIX because i didn’t want to be labeled an angry or crazy black woman... bc i saw my mom as angry and i correlated desirability with what my white peers were doing
so i had to do it better and prove myself outside of my own identity. i’ve always walked around with the idea that i’m not as desirable.. bc i’ve always compared myself to white standards of desirability. i struggle with attention, feelings of neglect and empowerment bc school
schooool was the greatest vehicle for comparison and disempowerment of who i am as a black person. there are higher standards and higher judgments for black women and i felt that shìt at SIX years old.
i internalized their stereotypes, their standards, and their micro aggressions and began policing myself. i started tip toeing around white people at 6 years old just to be accepted!!! to feel desirable and worthy i overcompensated and still ended up feeling neglected and outcast
people, family, everyone puts me on a pedestal. i’m not allowed to slip up. i’m not allowed to be myself. i’m not allowed to be imperfect. bc there’s SOMEONE out there ready to humble and attack a black person for a mistake. it’s always a “you were the last person i expected”
everyone else receives grace but that grace isn’t something i’ve felt too often so i tip toe, be perfect, remain quiet and in my own world as to not provoke others. as to not be attacked for my existence. it disempowers. it casts out. from a very very young age
