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How were you taught about repentance? As a Mormon, I was taught these 5 specific steps: 1) Recognize and admit to yourself you did something wrong. 2) Feel sincerely sorry about it. 3) Stop doing this wrong thing.
4) Admit publicly that you did wrong — especially to people who were affected by this thing you did wrong. 5) Make restitution for the thing you did wrong.
As a kid, this all seemed very straightforward. The only step that was particularly challenging to me was Step 4,
As a kid, this all seemed very straightforward. The only step that was particularly challenging to me was Step 4,
because it was embarrassing. But otherwise, the approach seemed easy enough.
As an adult, it’s Step 5 that is much less straightforward. A 9 year old who stole a candy bar from her brother’s room, can simply give it back or replace it in order to make restitution.
As an adult, it’s Step 5 that is much less straightforward. A 9 year old who stole a candy bar from her brother’s room, can simply give it back or replace it in order to make restitution.
But what does making restitution look like for grown-up wrongdoings? How do you properly make restitution for cheating on your spouse? For being racist? For masturbating in front of your coworkers? (I find the word justice useful in place of restitution.) https://twitter.com/levarburton/status/1324763121551114243?s=20
As for forgiveness, I was taught that if you’ve wronged someone, you shouldn’t even think about receiving forgiveness until you’ve gone through all 5 Steps of Repentance — and even then it’s not guaranteed. https://twitter.com/TheRaDR/status/1325233411204767744?s=20
It’s possible you’ve done something so wrong, you can’t ever really complete Step 5. Only the person you’ve wronged can decide that restitution has been made or justice has been served, so it’s possible you may never earn or deserve their forgiveness. https://twitter.com/cmclymer/status/1325184303165304833?s=20
Right now, it seems like people want forgiveness to be granted without any steps of repentance. They want forgiveness granted without admitting wrong doing, without regret, without any change in behavior, without justice. I think that’s a huge mistake. https://twitter.com/Crommunist/status/1325175329426599936?s=20
History tells us clearly that granting blanket forgiveness, without any repentance, only causes more pain and confusion and trauma; it empowers the wrongdoer to do more wrong things. https://twitter.com/kristincake/status/1325783258689396738?s=20
If Stephen Miller or KellyAnne Conway wants to be forgiven — wants a new high profile position, wants to be on TV, wants to be invited to parties, wants to dine out without being harassed — why would that even be considered unless we can see they have gone through all 5 Steps?
In a #metoo 
context, if Louis CK wants to be have his image rehabilitated, wants to start doing shows again, wants his talents to be recognized and appreciated, then he needs to go through all 5 Steps. And remember that’s for a *chance* at being forgiven; it’s not guaranteed.
context, if Louis CK wants to be have his image rehabilitated, wants to start doing shows again, wants his talents to be recognized and appreciated, then he needs to go through all 5 Steps. And remember that’s for a *chance* at being forgiven; it’s not guaranteed.
I see him trying to work again, and from what I can tell, he’s only made a weak attempt at Step 1. I have seen no news of him trying to bring justice for the people he hurt; trying to make restitution. Forgiveness shouldn’t even be considered until Step 5 is complete.
How do we know what justice would look like? We start by asking those hurt by the wrong doing: What Would Justice Look Like For You? And then work backwards. We’ll know Louis CK is ready to be considered for forgiveness, when the people he hurt tell us justice has been served.
We can apply this to American history as well. Can America be forgiven for slavery when we haven’t completed all 5 Steps of Repentance? The answer is no. We’ve managed Steps 1-4 to a certain extent, but we haven’t even made an attempt at Step 5. There has been no restitution.
And the longer we go without doing Step 5, the more damage we inflict. So we have to keep starting the steps over and over again as we cause new damage stemming from our history of slavery — redlining, using the “War on Drugs” to criminalize Black communities, police brutality.
Until we make restitution, which *has* to include reparations, we can’t even pretend to move toward justice and (possible) forgiveness. https://twitter.com/rgay/status/1325148343518048258?s=20
For those who have cut off relationships with MAGA/QAnon followers, if they wanted to mend the relationship, would you be willing? Would you expect them to go through these steps? How would you want them to bring about justice or make restitution? https://twitter.com/TheRealHoarse/status/1325591457856679938?s=20
As the chatter about unity continues, it's hard to miss this point: no matter if the Democrats win or lose, they are always the ones expected to do the reconciliation work. https://twitter.com/Chookooloonks/status/1325312507678961664?s=20
When Trump won in 2016, they were dozens of think pieces exploring how Democrats need to work harder to understand Trump Supporters. And we’re seeing the same exact messaging again even though Trump lost. At what point are Conservatives expected to do the reconciliation work?
How are you feeling about all the forgiveness and reconciliation talk? What do you think the best path to unity would look like? Is unity even possible if Fox News and OAN and Rush Limbaugh, are still pumping out endless propaganda? https://twitter.com/jemelehill/status/1325134628848508934?s=20
You can find the essay version of this thread here:
https://designmom.com/how-do-you-approach-forgiveness-reconciliation/
https://designmom.com/how-do-you-approach-forgiveness-reconciliation/
