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Oh, Mes Anges. What a year it has been, non? So let's have a wee bit of FUN this Tuesday, and travel backwards in time to the land of....*echo-y voice* #SEXYHISTORY!
TODAY! We are going back to 1827 to the semi-hilariously named town of Polstead in England and the murder of one Maria Marten, a Perfectly Nice Lady Who Was Just Trying to Have a Good Time Until A Man(TM) F*cked It Up.
For the purposes of this thread, Maria will be played by Several Women Who Have Been On The Bachelorette. SO!! As previously stated, Maria is living in Polstead (*snerk*) in 1827 (lol.) (Okay, 1827 isn't actually that funny, BUT GO WITH ME.) She is something of a Good Time Girl.
WHICH WE ARE 100% BEHIND BECAUSE THERE IS NO JUDGING AT #SEXYHISTORY! Maria is 24 in 1826, the point at which things are gonna go south, see again, RE A Man(TM), and has two children out of wedlock by two men. AGAIN!! WE DO NOT JUDGE!! LIFE WAS PROBABLY BORING IN POLSTEAD!!
NOW! One of Maria's kids is fathered by this guy, Thomas Corder, but that baby has died because 1800s, poor one out for Tiny Behbeh. Her other kid is fine tho, and its father sends her money, and Maria is just, you know, living life!!
ENTER WILLIAM CORDER, A MAN(TM). Who will, for the purposes of this thread, be played by A Series Of Men Who Played Willoughby In Productions of Sense and Sensibility.
If you have been paying attention, you might have noticed that this guy has the same last name as the father of one of Maria's babies, and YES, they were BROTHERS, and William is THE SHITTY ONE. He'd actually been sent to London IN DISGRACE for, "the fraudulent sale of pigs."
IRONIC AS HE HIMSELF WILL PROVE TO BE A FRAUDULENT PIG!!! Annnnnywaaaay, William gets called back to Polstead (snerk) from London after his brother Thomas Amy Marches into a frozen pond and dies.
And he then PROMPTLY starts an affair with Maria. By 1827, she's given birth to his child, and things are FUZZY as to what happened to this baby! Might've died naturally because 1800s, might've been murdered, truly Hard Out Here For Babies in Polstead!!
Anyway, Maria is all, "Will you accept this rose and give me a ring from Neil Lane?" and William is like, "Totes," but J/K HE ACTUALLY MEANS NOT TOTES AT ALL because he is, as has been previously mentioned both A Man(TM) and a Fraudulent Pig.
SO!! Maria wants to get married. William doesn't.
You see where this might lead to issues!
HOWEVER! You perhaps do NOT see where said issues will be Murder Inna Barn and GHOST DREAMS?? (SPOILER!)
You see where this might lead to issues!
HOWEVER! You perhaps do NOT see where said issues will be Murder Inna Barn and GHOST DREAMS?? (SPOILER!)
However, William does that A Man (TM) thing where he's all, "Oh, babe, I SO wanna get married, we should meet at the Red Barn (not a euphemism) and elope to Ipswich (also not a euphemism)," just really Classic A Man(TM) Stuff.
And Maria is like, "Wow, meeting at the Red Barn and Eloping To Ipswich is clearly every girl's dream, I AM IN!!"
So William shows up at her house on Friday, May 18, and is like, "OKAY SO TIME TO GO TO THE RED BARN, THE LAUNCHING PLACE FOR OUR EVENTUAL ELOPEMENT AND CERTAINLY NOT A MURDER LOCATION!!" and Maria is like, "SWEET," and Maria's stepmom, who witnesses all this is like, :/
NEVER FOLLOW A MAN(TM) TO A SECOND LOCATION, MARIA!!
But she does, and then NO ONE HEARS from either of them for awhile, but it's 1827, so everyone is like, "Idk, I guess they're in Ipswich like they said?" but then William comes back, and everyone is all, "Um, dude, where's your wife?" and he's like, "BITCHES I TOLD YOU, IPSWICH!"
And they're all like, "Well, maybe go get her," and he's like, "I CAN'T BECAUSE REASONS!!" and they're like, "Are those reasons that you killed her or some shit?" and he's like, "LOLOL..."
So he f*cks off to wherever, and starts sending Maria's family letters about all, "Hiiiiiiiiii, so it's ussssssss, just SUPER HAPPY and REALLY MARRIED and living on the Isle of Wight, don't bother visiting, we're good, both extremely alive, no worries XOXOXOXO baaabiiies!!"
And basically everyone back in Polstead (snerk) is like,
AND THEN THINGS GET WEIRD. Around this time, Maria's stepmom, Ann, is like, "YO, so I've been having these dreams where Maria is a ghost and pointing at a spot in the Red Barn (not a euphemism) and saying she's buried there, soooo???"
And like any sensible people, Maria's family is all, "Okay, Ghost Visions, yeah, we should probably, like, idk, get a shovel or something and start digging." SO THEY DO.
Exactly zero prizes for guessing what they find.
Exactly zero prizes for guessing what they find.
POUR ONE OUT FOR MARIA, 100% dead in the Red Barn (not a euphemism), and everyone's like:
Lol, j/k, they all know it was William Corder because the dipshit left his green handkerchief around her neck, f*cking AMATUER HOUR, BILLY CORDS.
Constables go to find out where he is to arrest him, and GET!!! THIS!!!
My dude is living in London WITH HIS NEW WIFE who he met through a NEWSPAPER ADVERTISEMENT that got OVER A HUNDRED RESPONSES, my guy is a FULL-ON WHOLE MURDERER and over 100 women were like, "WIFE ME."
My dude is living in London WITH HIS NEW WIFE who he met through a NEWSPAPER ADVERTISEMENT that got OVER A HUNDRED RESPONSES, my guy is a FULL-ON WHOLE MURDERER and over 100 women were like, "WIFE ME."
(tbf, they did not know about The Whole Murder, point is just *some 90s Stand-Up Joke About How Women Can't Get Dates Or Something*)
William is eventually tried for murder in Bury St Edmunds (also not a euphemism), and while no one can agree how Maria was killed (maybe shot! maybe strangled! maybe he stabbed her in her EYE in which case, WOW, Billy Cords, WOOOOWWW), but everyone is like, "Obviously he did it."
He's convicted and eventually confesses, claiming he accidentally shot Maria in the eye (SURE, BILLY, SURE), and he's, like, really sorry and shit, but whatever, HANGED BY THE NECK UNTIL HE IS DEAD, EXACTLY ZERO POURING OUT FOR THIS GUY.
Now. *steeples fingers under chin* Here, mes anges, is A Thing To Consider. Maria's body is eventually found because her stepmother had dreams about it, non? But I did not reveal a CRUCIAL DETAIL: Maria's stepmom was only a year older than Maria.
THAT'S RIGHT!! Ann Marten was herself ALSO eligible to be played by a Bachelorette!!!
Now.
There were rumors that Ann was also having an affair with William Corder (I guess Polstead ironically had a Lack of Pole because my GOD, ladies, LOOK ELSEWHERE, but I digress.)
And she began having "dreams" about Maria right after...
William Corder got married in London.
There were rumors that Ann was also having an affair with William Corder (I guess Polstead ironically had a Lack of Pole because my GOD, ladies, LOOK ELSEWHERE, but I digress.)
And she began having "dreams" about Maria right after...
William Corder got married in London.
*twirls monocle* Is it possible that Ann and William conspired TOGETHER to kill Maria? And when William didn't hold up his end of the bargain and f*cked off to marry someone else, Ann was like, "I will ruin this boy's WHOLE! LIFE!" and pretended GHOST DREAMS led her to the body??
I CANNOT SAY! I CAN say that if that is true, we Simply Must Stan. What a long game. What a flawless piece of revenge. And hey, if not, then ghosts are real, and that's also extremely cool, WIN-WIN HERE WITH ANN MARTEN!
So thus endeth the Sad Tale of Maria Marten, a case that made people in 1820s England go SO FERAL that they actually bought SOUVENIRS OF THE RED BARN, NO, FOR REAL, THEY DID. https://theoddmentemporium.tumblr.com/post/53876678936/victorian-murder-ornaments-being-as-they-were-a
So what have we learned today, mes anges?
- Lol,"Polstead."
- Lol, "Ipswich"
- F*cking barns, right??? Ugh!!
- Lol,"Polstead."
- Lol, "Ipswich"
- F*cking barns, right??? Ugh!!
- GHOSTS???
- STEPMOMS???
- And lastly, if you ARE going to get murdered by a f*kboi in a barn, at least get a murder ballad that sounds like The Part Where It All Goes Nuts in a Folk-Horror Movie.
- STEPMOMS???
- And lastly, if you ARE going to get murdered by a f*kboi in a barn, at least get a murder ballad that sounds like The Part Where It All Goes Nuts in a Folk-Horror Movie.
ET FIN!! Hope you enjoyed!! And a reminder that while I have neither soundcloud nor ko-fi, I DO have a Very Sexy and Murdery Book coming out in January that I would LOVE if you preordered! :) https://us.macmillan.com/books/9781250245496
