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Been doing some reevaluating about my sexuality lately, and I think I might be (panromantic) demisexual. I've been reading about demisexual people's experiences, and it does seem to make sense of my own. Might jot my thoughts down when I can figure out how to put this into words.
So like I think the most obvious way this makes sense is my views and history with sex. Growing up in my teenage years, I was never really interested in sex. Even with all the dudebro-y "sex is a trophy" bullshit I was surrounded by in high school, I just didn't get it.
Sex to me was like, just a thing people do when they want. I'm not sex-averse; I probably fluctuate somewhere around sex-indifferent. I like sex, and I enjoy having that kind of intimacy with a partner, but I can do without it if I choose to.
I also think that as long as people are being safe and consensual about it, people should be able to have sex with whoever they want, however they want, judgement-free. Casual sex, sex with friends, one night stands; I think that's all perfectly okay for people to do.
But thinking on it, I don't think that's something I'd ever be capable of doing, which I guess gets at the main thing about how sexual attraction works for me. Like I've always believed that to have sex with someone, I have to have some kind of connection with them.
Because even though I'm indifferent about sex, I do have a bit of a romanticized view of it. To me, sex is about revealing to someone yourself at your most vulnerable. Putting enough trust in someone else with your body to share an intimate moment with.
I never really thought of that as being the same as demisexuality, mainly because I believed it having more to do with sexual desire than sexual attraction. But now that I have more experience with attraction and sex, I've realized just how much I desire that connection.
Segueing from desiring a deep connection with someone, another thing I related to reading about was demisexual people typically only having crushes on people they were close to. With few exceptions, this was pretty much the case for me my whole life too.
The earliest crush I can remember was my best friend as a little kid, though I did not understand it as that at the time because of how young I was. I just remember wanting to always be with them and do stuff together, because I liked them so much.
And most crushes since then have followed the same way even once I became old enough to understand romantic attraction. It was always a friend I became close with, hung out with all the time, would talk to about anything and everything.
It's the same with my girlfriend. We had been friends for eight years and were always messaging each other online. We had even started doing romantic gestures in the year leading up before we moved in together and started dating. Goes without saying that we have that connection.
And like I could never understand whenever people talked about like "who's your celebrity crush?" or "what fictional character did you crush on?", because I just could not really comprehend the idea of having feelings for someone I did not know or they did not exist.
