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Actually can I just rant about how utterly wild it is to me that writing my nasty NSFW shit really does help me heal? I know most of the conversations i see about vent/trauma fics are an/tis being horrible and proships screaming at them but I just wanna express my happy
I might be wrong, but I very much believe that it's not obvious at ALL, just from reading the fics, what's happened to me, but like. After reading and rereading my own smut, I really realize how much of my fics are have a shit ton of hidden meanings that are meant for me only.
I'm not kidding. You absolutely would not look at any of those smut fics and think "oh, these are vent fics" or "oh, this is author is venting about their trauma". Seriously. You would think "uwu that's nasty i love it" or "YOU NEED JESUS".
But me reading them? "Wow, this is literally just an allegorized version of my experiences with sexual assault, intimiate partner abuse, and gaslighting from my partners and my friends, with all of my kinks thrown in to make it stomacheable for me."
And while my particular smut is ALSO specifically designed so that my fellow "Freaks of Color" and trans folx can enjoy them (ex. avoiding most physical descriptions so you can self-insert yourself easier), this really was meant for my own healing.
I kept telling myself, "haha yeah this is just pure smut. i don't need to have any added meaning to this. it's just pleasure"... I didn't really understand that my healing and my pleasure are mixed.
This is me taking what happened to me and taking control over it in the only way I can. It's me recreating these scenarios in a way that allows me to have 100% of control over the reimagining--bc it's fiction, these are my original characters, and *I* am the one with power now.
And it's also owning my trauma and seeking validation for my healing, which is why I bother to post them and drown them in tags. So other people can see and use and enjoy them... or avoid them like hell, which is also totally valid!
I guess what I'm trying to say is... you really DON'T know what counts as a trauma fic and what doesn't. Neither of them are specifically labeled as such, and even if it's mildly implied in some of the notes, my fics otherwise seem like porn.
Yeah, I wrote it for that sweet validation, but it was also for myself. You're not MEANT to understand the hidden meanings because they were designed for me specifically. You'll only see the porn.
And that's okay if that's what you want, but ultimately, what's healing to me is porn to most people. And I think that's what a lot of an/tis AND proships don't realize, or don't want to think about. You... really CAN'T tell the difference.
How do you differentiate between a trauma fic and "nasty porn written by fetishizers" or whatever? I didn't, and personally could never, recreate my abuse and sexual assaults without mixing in all my kinks and changing a ton of shit around. And that's just what worked for me.
Sometimes trauma fics will be much more obvious and very focused on the angst and aftermath and harm, or there won't be any explicit depictions of the harm, or it'll straight up be a recreation of what happened but with a good ending. But I am also a survivor, and mine aren't.
I am also a survivor, and my trauma fics look like nothing but porn to everyone but myself. And... I'm honestly okay with that. I wouldn't have posted them if I didn't want other people to "enjoy" them just as porn, and not as healing the way I do.
I know a lot of people wouldn't understand that or feel comfortable with it, but to me, it means something important. It means I retook control over what happened to me, and now people are finally listening and appreciating what I have to say.
I took the pain and the harm that was done to me, made it something fun and sexy and ultimately my own, and THAT'S what people listened to and enjoyed and supported. They finally heard ME.
You are entirely welcome to feel uncomfortable or even disgusted by my smut fics. I would never expect that everyone, even people who've gone through similar experiences, must enjoy my content. You're also welcomed to feel uncomfortable knowing they're trauma fics.
But do NOT try to get me to take them down because you think I'm "handling my trauma wrong". I didn't write them so you could understand my healing. I wrote them so *I* could find healing. I should not have to look or act like an "ideal" survivor for you to accept MY suffering.
