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Let's play Army Stereotypes™, this time by rank. Let's do the officers first.
2LT: easily identifiable by the intense stare of the warrior-monk, coupled with total innocence of the tricks of the trade. Confuses rank with authority. Unwitting pawn of the E-4 Mafia.
2LT: easily identifiable by the intense stare of the warrior-monk, coupled with total innocence of the tricks of the trade. Confuses rank with authority. Unwitting pawn of the E-4 Mafia.
2LT (cont'd)
Basically the little brother to the E-7s and O-3s, invisible to all others.
Pro-tip: never stand behind a 2LT unless you get scorched by the bright blue flame of ambition jetting 10 feet out of their ass.
Basically the little brother to the E-7s and O-3s, invisible to all others.
Pro-tip: never stand behind a 2LT unless you get scorched by the bright blue flame of ambition jetting 10 feet out of their ass.
LT: slightly smarter and wiser than the 2LT. The troops begin to notice this hitherto-invisible lifeforms and realize they're not as dumb as they look. Easily identifiable by the look of lust in their eyes every time they see a Captain's railroad tracks.
LT (cont'd)
Pro tip: don't be fooled by the loveable roguery of the LT. This is the rank where they learn to scheme and plot against all and sundry.
It only gets worse.
Pro tip: don't be fooled by the loveable roguery of the LT. This is the rank where they learn to scheme and plot against all and sundry.
It only gets worse.
Captain:
Big brother, Worshipper of Clausewitz, the Cap'n is all things to all people. Also the ultimate Top Block Whore. Enough rank and power to make a difference. Not enough to be totally responsible for disaster. Most likely to either be a legend, or a cautionary tale.
Big brother, Worshipper of Clausewitz, the Cap'n is all things to all people. Also the ultimate Top Block Whore. Enough rank and power to make a difference. Not enough to be totally responsible for disaster. Most likely to either be a legend, or a cautionary tale.
Pro tip: the Cap'n is at the point of the career where they either escape, or decide to try for stars.
Handle with care.
You'll either get run over by their ambition train, or treated with utter contempt as they count down to separation from service
Handle with care.
You'll either get run over by their ambition train, or treated with utter contempt as they count down to separation from service
Major: the most complicated rank in the officer corps. The one who has all the pain, none of the sympathy from superiors nor juniors. The Major is the one who lives in mortal fear of failure, since the evil of MDMP courses through the mind, body and soul.
Pro tip 1: Majors fall into three groups:
The hotrunners, who walk on water and channel SunTzu. The SAMS prodigies.
The grinders, whose brute force and will to rise above all who hate them will move them forward.
And...
The hotrunners, who walk on water and channel SunTzu. The SAMS prodigies.
The grinders, whose brute force and will to rise above all who hate them will move them forward.
And...
The Iron Majors. The ones who let the hate flow through them, who commit acts of terror to achieve the mission, whose squint and tobacco-laced growl
Makes. It. Work.
Their power comes from not giving a shit about promotion or anything but the job in hand.
Makes. It. Work.
Their power comes from not giving a shit about promotion or anything but the job in hand.
The Lieutenant Colonels.
The ones who place their first step on the way to the stars. Also the ones who are savouring their potential last experience of field command.
This dichotomy makes them pernickety, gives them x-ray vision, and makes them drive their staff to drink.
The ones who place their first step on the way to the stars. Also the ones who are savouring their potential last experience of field command.
This dichotomy makes them pernickety, gives them x-ray vision, and makes them drive their staff to drink.
Pro tip: LTCs take good care of those who please them.
They take VERY good care of those who don't.
Best to wear hazmat, IOTVs, and develop clairvoyance if you're junior to them.
They take VERY good care of those who don't.
Best to wear hazmat, IOTVs, and develop clairvoyance if you're junior to them.
Colonel: to onlookers, they're the Dads of the Army. The really good ones know everybody. And the spouses. And the pets. The good ones are often the best Generals the Army will never have.
I mean, where do you go after a good Colonel's tour? No more hands on command.
I mean, where do you go after a good Colonel's tour? No more hands on command.
But a bad Colonel makes people leave the army. Sadly, there's enough of them to make life miserable.
A wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Pro tip. Work for the good ones. Stay the hell away from the others.
And try to be the best Colonel ever. Even if you don't get stars.
A wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Pro tip. Work for the good ones. Stay the hell away from the others.
And try to be the best Colonel ever. Even if you don't get stars.
Brigadier General :
Congrats! That one star shines brighter than Alpha Centauri. Suddenly, your jokes are funnier, your aides are more helpful, and your uniform looks spiffier.
Congrats! That one star shines brighter than Alpha Centauri. Suddenly, your jokes are funnier, your aides are more helpful, and your uniform looks spiffier.
Pro tip. Problem is, this is there you realize that you're a General on probation. Everybody is watching. Waiting. Praying, even, for your first faux pas, so others can sniff and say "oh, look, the Peter Principle in the flesh".
Major General:
Depending on where you are, the fun Generals. They know they're good enough, project just the right amount of style and swagger to inspire the staff, and just junior enough to speak to the troops and not seem totally God-like.
Depending on where you are, the fun Generals. They know they're good enough, project just the right amount of style and swagger to inspire the staff, and just junior enough to speak to the troops and not seem totally God-like.
Pro-tip. The MGEN might have a relaxed outlook on life and a sense of hunor, but fail them once and they'll cut your throat so fast you won't know when you hit the ground.
Fail them twice and no-one will know when you're coming back from McMurdo Sound.
Fail them twice and no-one will know when you're coming back from McMurdo Sound.
Lieutenant General: Been there, done that, and have the scars, stars and been in enough bars to prove it. The modern ones are just grounded enough that you can hear their musings over the celestial choirs that accompany them.
Pro tip: these folks are the real Capi di Tutti Capi.
They'll leave the guns. Their aides will take the cannoli.
They'll leave the guns. Their aides will take the cannoli.
General: The Jedi Masters, confidants of Presidents, golf partners of potentates, the Atlas of the Army.
Them four stars are a constellation unto themselves.
Them four stars are a constellation unto themselves.
Pro tip: "Beware of an old man/woman who have mastered a youthful profession."
Nuff said.
Nuff said.
Special mention of Warrant Officers:
You only hear about their results, even if all you see of them is a shimmery glow and a stained coffee cup. This is the rank to which all sensible people in the Army should truly aspire.
You only hear about their results, even if all you see of them is a shimmery glow and a stained coffee cup. This is the rank to which all sensible people in the Army should truly aspire.
Pro tip: How do you know when you're in the presence of a Warrant Officer?
Your computer start working above its specs. Logistics runs smoothly. Weapons shoot straighter. Helos fly at top speed one foot above the earth like a magic carpet.
Everyone passes PT with max scores.
Your computer start working above its specs. Logistics runs smoothly. Weapons shoot straighter. Helos fly at top speed one foot above the earth like a magic carpet.
Everyone passes PT with max scores.
