I have a lot of guilt about the fact that I haven't worked this week. In fact, I've barely done any work in weeks. This week feels like (hopefully) the apex of what has been months of anxiety, and a lot of people I know seem largely unaffected by the election. So, a thread

In 2016, I had yet to even transition, but I was engaged to @Caliriana and we had a number of concerns about what would happen if things went badly, but of course the polls were great and few people thought what happened would happen.

Once election day was over and it was clear what was going to happen, I went through all of the stages of grief. We started to make plans to get married within a couple weeks, so that we could get their passport with new name and gender marker before he was sworn in.

It would have been trivial for him to change the state department guidelines around passport gender markers, and we figured we wanted to get everything wrapped up before he took power and got the chance to change things.

2 years later, I finally came to terms with the fact I had to transition. I had been fighting with my gender identity for years and hostile country/world or not, I had to transition or I was going to die. It was the best decision I've ever made for myself.

Transitioning during this administration was a constant source of anxiety. It felt like every month trans people were under attack by some part of the federal government. Even trans kids came under attack from the feds in regards to their participation in sports.

It has been very clear to us for a while that a second Trump term would spell disaster for our community - the first four years was bad enough, and there would be little to nothing holding him and his white supremacist cronies back. These are people who'd rather we were dead.

So much of trans lives are dependent on the whims of the federal government here. Things cis/het/mono people never have to think about. Freedom to marry, adopt, go to the bathroom, be employed, be addressed by your true name and gender.

So this is what has been on our mind. Not, "I wonder if my taxes will go up" (they will, I'm happy to contribute more), but "I wonder if when they're done putting immigrant families in cages, they'll come for mine next?".

I'm not jazzed about Joe Biden. I grew up in South Jersey, he was ever present in the region even before he was VP. I liked him then, but I didn't know nearly enough. I didn't know how damaging his centrist, pro-corporate policies could be. I also can't care right now.

The thing that is different now from even 2016, is now I have a family. It doesn't fit the 1950s idea of a nuclear family, but it is my family. I am as close to a "head of household" as we've got, and my decisions affect at minimum the 4 in this apartment, if not all 6 of us.

So while staying and fighting sounds well and good for me - is it the right thing for all of my partners? For the partners who have kids, is it the right thing for them? If a second term happened and we stayed, how likely is it we'd all get to be safe and healthy together?

I think a lot about Valerie & Ruth in V for Vendetta. What would I do if my partners and I got separated? How far would I go to keep us safe and together?

The answer is, I would do almost anything.

We've thought about arming ourselves, strictly for self defense. This isn't something we'd have considered even a few years ago but when caravans of Tr*mp supporters go riding down the street you live on, it becomes a lot more practical a concern.

I would die to keep my partners safe. There is no question in my mind of that. I don't want to, but I would. If I'm willing to do that, what else am I willing to do?

In the case of this election, it was swallow bitter pill after bitter pill of watching leftist candidates lose.

Largely due to orchestrations of the core of the Democratic Party, candidates that might actually make a difference in things (in particular, McGrath beating @Booker4KY in the primary was both painful and stupid) fell by the wayside for middle of the road corporate democrats.

And I sent those middling empty shirt centrists money. I gave them time. I gave them visibility any chance I got. Because while I didn't believe they'd do good for my family, I don't expect them to disappear us in the night. THAT is what I'm voting for now.

It is selfish, and lizard-brained, and the only choice I felt was really available for me. So I donated upwards of $4k this cycle to candidates I didn't really believe in, in the hope they'd at least wage effective campaigns and give us enough time to breathe and organize again.

They didn't even manage to do that though. For all of the money and time and talking, they managed to maybe hold off loses in the Senate, lose some seats in the house, and just barely squeak out a Presidential win - maybe? I'm so fucking tired of this. I'm tired of disappointment

So here I sit, trying to limit my doomscrolling and new site refreshing to a few times an hour, hoping beyond hope that the candidates I didn't want in the first place manage to barely squeeze out a win on top of piles of money that could actually have been used to help people.

And if somehow everybody is wrong, if the numbers take a turn for the worst, I get to start figuring out what my family does. Do we stay here? Do we fight? Do we move into the woods and keep quiet/stealth until things sort themselves out?

And that doesn't even scratch the surface of my fears for my community. Not just trans and queer people in blue states, but in every part of the country. I'm rich and white, even being trans I have options. Not so for people who didn't roll the natural 20 (even with disadvantage)

So that is why I haven't been able to work, and why I can't work today, and why I might not be able to work tomorrow - because until I see for sure this is over, I'll just be sitting here using all of my coping skills to stave off a panic attack until I can breathe again.

I like my job. I like what I do. I wish I could just do it, but between the plague, the election, and everything else going on in the world - I just don't know how to make my ADHD brain focus on something that isn't a direct threat to my family and I and our community.

And I'm incredibly privileged to work somewhere that lets me take the time I need. I can't imagine if this was happening at a less understanding/flexible company. I would be forcing myself to be productive through all of this anxiety and it would destroy me.

For now, I'm going to go back to dissociating and playing Classic WoW - probably the biggest cry for help I can imagine. Nostalgia feels good right now, though. And corpse runs across the Barrens are a nice distraction from everything.

Be safe and take care of each other.