have i told my nov 2016 story?

it was a bad day. i was living in dc, and was sick the whole day bc i fucking KNEW shit was gonna be bad. i was days from moving to atlanta on top of everything. https://twitter.com/rgay/status/1323774137668653058

why did i KNOW? i worked in survey research for 3 years. yes i know all about how pres polls can be totally wrong, but i didnt just work on those polls. i worked on polls about everything. attitudes about Obama. responses to Mike Brown’s murder, to Sandy Hook.

i watched the fucked up ideological shift in real time. i saw public response to the clown car of republican candidates, but then i saw the Shift. and also this change in attitudes toward what we see now from neofascists. it was creepy.

and i am the first to admit that polls dont show some magical change. it shows how willing ppl are to willingly state their opinion out loud. but that still means something. and now we have ppl saying the quiet parts out loud, but technically they have for a while.

it also inspired my thesis research. and that made me even more worried. white ppl were either mad about Obama being president, or wiping their hands and saying racism as over.

and when white ppl saw horrible things about Black ppl being murdered in the news, they weren’t being “enlightened”. they dug their feet in on their racist bs. and the media just kept making that shit worse with their racist reporting

so by the time 2015 comes and i leave that field for tech, i am worried. by 2016 i am SICK. i tried to chill, but that feeling of dread was there. i never thought that clinton winning was assured. i SAW how it wasn’t, how much some ppl wanted this new fucked up world we live in

so 2016 comes, and i’m yp all night and jaut thinking FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK

but also remembering those polls. my research. and i was gutted. not having hope doesn’t spare you from that pain. knowing the worst in ppl doesnt lessen that.

i remember the day after election day. not a sound, except a few cars. damn near no ppl outside. everyone who is out looks sad. ppl are quiet and a little nicer to one another. a white person says sorry to me.

and then i move from dc. this year, i dont have this kinda info. i’m not as much in the shit, and i’m 100 times calmer, tho still Not Calm.

but i still remember election day 2016, being scared in my apartment, worried to go outside, scared that maybe that pessimistic view i had been fighting over those years wasn’t so out of proportion, and just feeling weary about humanity

i remember hearing about the kkk acting up and celebrating just a bit south of where i lived after i left dc in nov 2016. but i’ve since seen nothing about it in the news.

but i remember how i felt in atlanta thinking about it. a little relieved, but also weary.

anyways, there’s something to be said about the info you glean from polls, but not the presidential candidate ones. but that’s just my personal experience with it, having to see info every month on public opinion

i wont link to it bc lmao if i’m gonna look it up right now. but if you wanna see these, google the abc washington post polls. i think they have an achive.

sidebar: the poll i worked on about sandy hook happened on the DAY of sandy hook. it was not a great feeling. and also when any hope i had in people, in a general “humanity” sense, just gave out.

anyways, nov 2016 has it’s own role in explaining why i’m no longer a researcher of this type, and why i gave up on an academic career. there is a trauma to doing this work, and to seeing consequences of actions play out in real time. and the powerlessness of it is...a lot.

i thought maybe information and research could lead to some kinda change or insight. but i was so fucking naive. but then i wasn’t and i have to admit that this thread is making me see how nov 2016 kinda shook me up. i cant separate it from what i saw from the years prior

anyways, go chill today if you’ve already voted. take care of yourself, and dont look at any polls.