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A THREAD:
There’s been a lot of buzz in the last few days about the importance of maintaining friendships across political differences.
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There’s been a lot of buzz in the last few days about the importance of maintaining friendships across political differences.
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This is no small thing though. This dynamic in relationships is difficult and doesn’t fit neatly inside a meme or a comic, and trying to make it so ignores at best if not increases the pain people feel when there is conflict with friends or family members.
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Because politics is about our values.
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It reminds me of the oft quoted analogy of the jar of rocks. In the analogy, you have a jar, and a big pile of rocks and sand. If you put the biggest rocks in first, then the smaller rocks and sand will fit around them.
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The idea is that the things you value most are the big rocks, and so you should treat the practices and people you value as if they were the big rocks--factor them in first.
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For some of us, learning about the political leanings of a friend or loved one is an abrupt realization that we are not one of their big rocks. That they have only marginal space for us, or someone we love, or an issue we’ve devoted our lives to addressing.
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That’s not just a difference in political party, that’s a conflict of values.
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When I facilitate conflict mediation, working to identify shared values or concerns between people comes pretty early in the process.
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But sometimes, there are so few shared values or shared concerns that resolution to the conflict means facilitating honest discussion about why it is best for those engaged in conflict to part ways.
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Mutually deciding this friendship is no longer a benefit to either of us is a resolution.
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So I will not tell you to be like Bob and Sally, or that you should make peace with your neighbor who supports a different candidate. Remember, “should” is poison and we will not should ourselves into being less human.
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If you can find enough shared space to continue on amid disagreement, go for it. Work it out in the mess and beauty of difference. I am who I am today because people I disagree with became and remain my friends.
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If that shared space has shrunk and shrunk and now you have no idea why this person is your friend? It’s okay to break things off. Perhaps this too is an edge exacerbated by social media. No one really has thousands of friends. That’s not how humans work.
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Be honest. Have your boundaries. You don’t have to be friends with every person you’ve ever met.
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And if you are hurting today because the people you love are not who you thought they were, I’m so sorry. That is a profound sadness. I’m lighting a candle for you today. You are still so loved.
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