Conservative MPs as fictional criminal barristers. Hold onto your wigs.

Rishi Sunak QC is a smoothie. He’s read the evidence, even the spreadsheets, he’s tabbed his bundle and his collar is starched. He has 25 mini pupils, 4 juniors and yes, he can help Your Honour with the exact page reference for that.

Boris Johnson QC is widely rumoured to have taken silk as his dad knew someone who knew someone. He will mess it up 90% of the time. He’s forgotten his laptop charger. He’s lost his wig. The judge is rolling her eyes. But, from nowhere, a jury speech that brings the house down.

Michael Gove QC can slip you out of the most slippery situations. He’ll smooth-talk and back-chat and ease a complex metaphor from his back pocket which explains any perceived deficiency in the evidence. The judge tells him to speak slowly so everyone can unpick the nonsense.

Priti Patel QC is prosecuting you. No, she won’t review the file. Yes, she’ll summon all of the witnesses. And, sure, proceed with your s.8 application for disclosure because she’s not budging an inch on your fancy but futile arguments about due process and article 6.

Dominic Raab has been yelling the same question at the same witness for 45 minutes.

Dominic Cummings is not a lawyer but he’s turned up anyway. Weirdly lurking at the back of every courtroom in every doomed legal aid transfer application, slowly nodding.

Liz Truss is talking about cheese. “This case is not about cheese,” says the judge, baffled. “Cheese”, Ms Truss beams at the jury. Juror number 4 walks out.

Dominic Raab is still asking the same question of the same witness.

Grant Shapps QC thinks he is smooth. He beams too brightly at the witnesses, he bows too low at the judge, he laughs too loudly at your jokes and everyone avoids him at lunchtime.

Chris Grayling rises to his feet to start his opening speech. He pauses. Is it a dramatic pause? Is it a tactic? Is it to build tension? The jury hold their breath. After an eternity, he speaks:

“Your Honour, I’m in the wrong courtroom.”

Jacob Rees-Mogg is in the robing room asking everyone where they went to school and if they know the judge.

Dominic Raab concludes “I have no further questions, Your Honour, except this one....”

He asks the same question again.