Goveller’s Travels

Tuesday 3rd November

It was the time of Lockdown 2.0 in Brobdingnag, a disappointing sequel to the original, but a necessary bridge to spring’s much anticipated Lockdown With A Vengeance. As the plague was having two days off before it premiered, the giant

people rushed out to get last jobs done such as spreading the virus, setting up shell PPE companies, relaunching anti freedom of movement parties as pro freedom of movement parties, and getting their hair cut. I attended King Boris’s levee, where in the barber’s hand, his

majesty’s Hanlon’s razor was a sight to behold. According to the custom of the realm Boris was shaved always three weeks after he needed one, something to do with limiting parental DNA samples, and it put me in mind of an amusement wherein I spent many of my leisure hours.

I desired Michael Fabricant’s boy to save for me the combings of his travesty’s hair, whereof in time I got a good quantity; and picking forty or fifty of the strongest lengths and artificially sloping them with my knife, forged several fine Covoodoo Dolls for curiosities, which

I presented to Nigel Farage in honour of the public hands-free colonoscopies he had recently performed upon the eponymous Trump; we were here interrupted by the notable IQ dodger Richard Twice, nailing 95 theses - looking very much like a property portfolio - to the door of

Nigel’s Panzer tank. We read the re-branded xenophobia, populism and opportunism with wonder; a genuine reformation in our midst, with all the familiar faces beginning to emerge from their priest holes: Pilgrim of Mace @zatzi Rees-Mogg, the dullards to Wycliffe’s lollards, Banks

and Wigmore, even young Darren Grimes who had recently caught his ‘I love David Starkey’ tie in a printing press which he was having to drag behind him everywhere he went. Nigel was immediately resolved and the non-career career politician commanded we should begin the

SERCO led sacking of the NHS at once, and that he would not surrender a single part of his body to this protestant lockdown as it would go against everything he had stood for, since at least September.

With many thanks to @MrJunkerBarlow for requisitioning this primary sauce.