If this election is testing your relationship, hey, it happened during the first Civil War, also. I just read an 1865 letter from a racist Union soldier (yes, Virginia, there were shitheads up North, too) who got dumped cuz… wait for it...

He voted for McClellan.
#TheFinalStraw

I didn’t KNOW this letter was gonna be repugnant before I started it (think Tucker Carlson when his ratings sag), but suffice to say, this young patriot was NOT a fan of Lincoln. Or the Emancipation Proclamation. Or his Republican comrades -- in fact, he cheers their wounding.

So it was immensely satisfying to reach the end of the letter and find our racist Yankee soldier whining about getting dumped by his girlfriend. (Good thing SHE couldn’t vote, huh? Gosh, what a NIGHTMARE this country would have become if we’d given women the vote back then!)

Here’s how the Yank put it: “Oh, brother Smith, I lost my little Chicken this last fall, just by voting for Little Mac, she did not like the sight and I told her she might Go to Hell, and I would go to Petersburg.”

To which I say: “Ma’am, I love you and you made the RIGHT CALL.”

Imagine telling your girlfriends why you broke up: “First of all, he calls me his ‘little chicken.’”
“Honey, I grew up on a farm -- that is NOT a compliment.”
“I know. Also, he voted for McClellan.”
“Ugh. Did he realize the other candidate was ABRAHAM FUCKING LINCOLN?”

Honestly, I think there should be a special line on divorce petitions below “irreconcilable differences” that says “my partner voted for McClellan” so the Judge would be required by law to grant the separation and give you full custody and also alimony for pain and suffering.

And let’s all take a page out of this unnamed heroine’s book: In 1864, she realized: “Sure, this guy’s kinda cute, if you like mullets and scowling, but his livestock analogies are MOST unwelcome and his moral compass is bent beyond repair. Nothing else for it -- he’s gotta go.”

Of course, McClellan’s campaign in 1864 appealed to this soldier’s racism; the letter also refutes the idea that Lincoln’s support in the army was all but unanimous.

But, hey, at least he was ABLE to vote. That’s more than soldiers filing absentee ballots THIS time can say.