How to fight in your relationships:

A thread.

·Learning to express frustration in a way that is respectful and healthy must start right from the beginning of the relationship. Have rules, guidelines or a code of conduct for you and partner: words you're not going to say to each other and tones you're not going to use.

·The way you fight with your partner is more important than why you fight with each other.

·Two people yelling at each other, are two people trying to be heard and understood.

·Every conflict must end with a resolution and agreement.

·Your impression of what is happening before and during a conflict is your truth, yet it is never a fact. Leave room for your perception to be adjusted. Ask questions "How did you come to think this? What causes you to feel this way?"

·Don't assume that your partner's behavior is about you. What they do or don't do is not a reflection of their love for you, but mostly of what was taught to them. Learn to discuss behaviors and ask them questions "What does it mean when you do this?"

·You don't get to assess for your partner what's truly hurtful and what's not. Just like you don't get to gauge what's being blown out of proportion, especially when one is hurt by your actions. What you get to do is learn about each about each other's triggers and responses.

·Address issues as they show up. Refrain from assuming things, which lead to ruminating. Ruminating leads to interpreting every ambiguous things your partner does as evidence of your assumptions. "You're doing it again! If you loved me (assuming they don't) you wouldn't do this!"

·Instead of fishing for evidence that your partner doesn't love you nor respect you, practice looking for clues that they do. Pay attention to all the ways in which respect and love are already given to you.

·If you're listing what's wrong, don't forget to list what is good.

·When you feel you're not being treated fairly, learn to kindly express yourself "When I see you do this or when I hear you say this, it makes me like I'm not respected nor valued because... Could you do this instead?"

"Yes I can" 𝑜𝑟 "No I can't, but I can offer this"

·Don't tell your partner they shouldn't be upset when they already are. That's too late to stop the momentum. Give them room to express their anger, practice moving straight to understanding "I understand that when I do this, it makes you feel that." and then to repairing.

·A fight doesn't have to involve critique, pettiness nor aggressiveness. We involve these virulent traits when we feel under attack or pain. Recognize the feelings you have at the root (hurt), express them and cater to them. Remind each other that you're a team not opponents.

·Be cautious of venting that becomes criticizing. Is the goal to make your partner feel like shit? You must foresee the consequences of your intent. Your partner feeling like shit makes it harder for them to love themselves. Not loving themselves makes it harder to show you love.

·Learn to define the conflict and to stick to the present subject. The best way to do this is to exercise addressing things the moment they occur. We tend to bring up the past when multiple discussions were left unresolved and didn't lead to any tangible change.

·We're creatures of habits, there's a circumstance and reasoning behind every action. Refrain from promising to your partner that something won't ever happen again, because it most likely will. Instead ask for space to make progress.

Homework:

·How did my parents fight with each other?
·What messages their communication style gave me about discords? (Are fights bad/ must be avoided/ unsolvable?)
·How similar or different to them am I?
·Knowing this, what parts of me do I reclaim, which traits do I let go of?