Read on Twitter
Am back working in my local Spoons while I still can. 1 like = 1 overheard conspiracy theory. Some really good ones this morning.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 1: The government are planning to make this lockdown last until next August.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 2: They have already decided to do a virtual Glastonbury next year. (This could be true? I guess? Not sure why the guy at table 3 would have more insight about this than the actual organisers tho)
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 3: They're only closing the pub so they can test the smoke alarms.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 4: Ben's ex is going to use this lockdown as an excuse to make things even harder for him. (Really hope that one's not true, it sounds like Ben's already having a tough week)
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 5: There's a farm no one knows about nearby that is kidnapping dogs.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 6: The guy on table 3 (Not the Glastonbury guy, his friend) went to school with the woman who runs the farm.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 7: Couldn't quite catch this one... Something about Elvis and Jerry Lee Lewis being related. is that a thing?
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 8: There is a pub in Peckham that will be staying open during lockdown.
Spoons Conpiracy Theory 9: Gerry on table 10 can't cross water. Awww now they're all making tasteless jokes about migrant crossings bless their hearts. Hello casual racism I was waiting for you to turn up.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 10: Under the new restrictions we can all still go and watch live bands, we just won't be allowed to get up and dance.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 11: The new offers at Morrisons are a load of bollocks, apparently.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 12: Students are planning a riot. (not sure which ones or where but will keep an ear out in case I get more details)
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 13: According to the guy on table 7 the new lockdown is going to last until Christmas and will lead to an uprising. (Slightly chilling prediction there, but table 7 guy was on his third pint before 12pm so doubt he's looking to lead it)
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 14: Ray who came in last week could only manage half a pint so he must be ill.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 15: There are no fish left in the local lake. Some disagreement is taking place as to whether this is Covid related or not.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 16: Everyone has a different type of Covid.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 17: Restaurants are going to run out of onions. (No I don't know either)
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 18: Gerry doesn't know what he's talking about.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 19: Everyone is going to end up moving abroad to avoid lockdown.
Aw, some of them are leaving. You can tell they don't know when they're going to meet up again and it's genuinely sad.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 20: Hotels will be staying open but will stop serving food.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 21: The cost of boilers is going to go up.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 22: When this is over they're going to blame us. (Am assuming this is a reference to the guys on table 12 but I doubt that kind of accusation would stand up in court)
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 23: Horses are going to get it (not horse, sorry as previously tweeted!)
I have to go do the school run now. I considered calling the school and saying I am too busy sniggering at strangers on Twitter but not sure they would go for it. Will come back and try to carry on the thread tomorrow.
Ok, here we go. Spoons Conspiracy Theory 24. Buses will be the first things to go.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 25: Ale has a much longer shelf life than what they tell you.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 26: Terriers don't like cars.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 27: Charlie's place that sells scooters is going to stay open but only because Charlie is mad as a March Hare.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 28: No one knows what happened to the missing beermats. No theories have been offered as to what is going on here.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 29: Cherry hasn't been in lately because she's loved up with Reg even though her husband's still alive. Jesus, Cherry.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 30: Colleges should be closed because they're the ones doing parties every night.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 31: David's brother was the one who jumped out of that moving car last week and that's why they ended up blocking off the road.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 32: Guy at the bar reckons this lockdown will last three months because of what they said last time.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 33: Cortinas are never worth the hassle.
Uh oh. Gerry's back. Let's see what he reckons.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 33: The cafe round the corner was covering it in clingfilm not tin foil so that's why no one was touching it.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 34: All the builders in Warwick are refusing to wear face visors because they're all like that.
Spoons Conspiracy Theory 35: Don't buy a bottle of coke and a sausage roll at Warwick Castle, it'll cost you 8 quid and it's not worth the hassle.
