Thread by @perepereden, cw// sexual assault, rapeHappy Sunday, everyone. Let's talk about something that I [...]

cw// sexual assault, rape

Happy Sunday, everyone. Let's talk about something that I really don't want brushed under the rug in light of recent events.

Let's talk about what doesn't get talked about enough: male survivors of sexual assault.

When people think of sexual assault (and by extension, rape), people often think of it as something violent between a man and a woman. Understandable, as society has conditioned people in this way.

Take, for example, the fact that sexual harassment and assault of men are

joked about as something funny in most, if not all, media. There's this prevalent line of thought that men are always seeking sex, thus it is inconceivable for them to not want it. This means that, in a way, society has erased the concept of sexual consent in regards to men.

When the sexual consent of men is erased from the mind of society, what happens?

Everyone, including men themselves, begin to forget that men can be the subject of sexual assault. This is exacerbated by the fact that due to the paradigm of sexual assault, which is

that it is a male aggressor and a female victim, people think that sexual assault is defined by an aggressor 'overpowering' the victim.

This is false. Sexual assault is not about physically overpowering someone. It is the blatant disregard for the other's consent.

Thinking that it has to be about 'overpowering' is what stops male survivors from speaking out. Masculinity is defined by being 'strong' and not 'being a victim' in much of society (absolutely archaic way of thinking about masculinity imo, but that's for another time).

So men, especially who have been sexually assaulted by women, struggle really hard with opening up to even themselves. These men then tragically persuade themselves that they must have wanted it in some way, that it was a 'positive' experience because how could a sexual

*those who

experience have been something they didn't want? And even if it was something they didn't want, they have little to no idea on what to call it and instead lock it up away.

1in6 describes these challenges here: https://1in6.org/get-information/topics/masculinity-self-esteem-and-identity/

Combine this with the fact that society still shames men from sharing their emotions and vulnerability with others and you get a recipe for disaster.

Sexual assault survivors already under-report; now imagine being a man who doesn't even understand their trauma to even report it

The cards are already stacked for sexual assault victims and it is doubly so for men due to the fact that the paradigm does not work for them. Men do not 'fit' into the role of a sexual assault survivor, therefore more likely to be shunned by almost all those around them.

These aspects make it very hard for men to face their experience and understand how it has affected them, much less even come out with it.

It is an act of sheer FUCKING bravery for male survivors to confide their sexual assault to others and we need to support their voices.

So how do you support them?

For one, male survivors' trauma is not too different from female survivors since, you know, we're all humans. There are, however, unique challenges that men face as I touched upon prior.

This site is a great resource on that: https://aasas.ca/support-and-information/myths-realities/

This part in particular mentions something really important.

Sexual assault is irrelevant to sexual orientation, size, strength, appearance, any of these things. It can happen to anyone *by* anyone and that is something we need to make known in order to not isolate survivors.

The sexual orientation part in particular is something men struggle with because physiological reactions in men and people with penises are misunderstood. Sexual abusers of male survivors will often use the survivor's bodily reactions against them, as proof that they 'enjoyed it'

The truth is that arousal is much like being tickled; the body reacts to touch regardless of whether the mind wants it or not.

It is not indicative of consent and to make things clear, rape NEVER 'turns into' consensual sex. If they didn't seek consent, it is sexual assault.

This is elaborated on in RAINN's page regarding male survivors: https://www.rainn.org/articles/sexual-assault-men-and-boys

This is also addressed in a very helpful article here: https://wmich.edu/healthpromotion/prevention/support-male

Going back to 'how do we support male survivors', I want to make something very clear before continuing:

Survivors process their trauma differently. There are no 'checkboxes' to check before you can 'deem' someone a survivor.

If they endured sexual assault, they are a survivor.

Do not take these articles as gospel, thinking 'well, they didn't have X, Y, and Z, so he's lying about his rape'. That is NOT the purpose of these articles.

Trauma is not the common cold, where you diagnose it based on a cough.

Instead, use those to educate yourself on ways to be sympathetic, to understand what might be going through their heads. Support male survivors by taking them seriously, because men already have such a hard time being vulnerable to others.

That last part is especially important, because if a man has a negative experience after opening up once, it is very likely he won't do it ever again and he might suffer all alone for years.

Once you get burned, you're unlikely to ever approach fire again.

Don't laugh it off or praise him for 'getting some'. Be serious. Be kind. Be supportive.

Tell him that you're so sorry he had to go through that and that you are here to listen to him. That's what survivors need: support that they're not alone and that they matter

Listening is important because survivors are often gaslighted by their abusers into thinking they invited it/enjoyed it. It also gives them a space to *finally* unpack what they went through and even that's incredibly hard to do.

Something I wish people could understand when they victim-blame is that there is NO ONE in this world who victim-blames themselves harder than the survivor. Male survivors especially suffer this because there's this notion of 'fighting off' your assaulter that lives in their head

What happened is not their fault. It is only the fault of the assaulter, NEVER the survivor. All the assaulter had to do was NOT DO WHAT THEY DID, not that the survivor had to fucking solve a Rubik's cube while blindfolded to 'avoid their rape'.

Be there for others when they confide in you. There is a reason they are trusting you with something so sensitive and personal. Don't abuse the trust they've placed in you.

Have an open heart and open mind to help them heal.

This is getting a tad too long, eep, so I'll break up the rest for another time, but before I end, lemme address sexual harassment real quick.

Men, if, for example, someone uninvited DMs you sexually/asks for anything sexual of you, that's sexual harassment. I want for

guys to be able to recognize sexual harassment, because I feel like guys often brush it aside.

Don't. If it makes you uncomfortable and is unsolicited, it is perfectly valid for you to speak up about it just as women do. Sexual harassment is serious too!

It'll take time for the paradigm to shift and be inclusive of men as sexual assault survivors, but we can do our part to make sure it happens sooner rather than later. Sexual harassment is just a part of the beast that is sexual abuse; let's learn to recognize it and combat it

To male survivors, know that you are valid, that you are not alone, and that people care.

You're more than what someone did to you, far more.

Thanks for tuning in. I'd usually apologize for clogging your feed, but I think this is a subject matter worth spamming about.

Until next time, folks

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