it's tough to defend hallucinated territory when the act of speaking on it risks manifesting it in a form which is counter to your intuitive sense of what it is

example: you're vibing a social situation and everyone is having a good time

but then you announce your sense of the vibe to the room: "haha bro it's crazy how we're all ____ right now."

and then, like clockwork: red cup party girl mortified stare meme

during "smol talk" ppl connect via shared 'foregrounds.'

usually this isn't born from shared passion for the 'foreground' topic ('haha rain been crazy') as much as having an excuse to vibe each other out

what is actually being cultivated remains necessarily in 'background'

social alienation happens when intelligent / perceptive people become at least partially attuned to which 'background' characteristics make socializing pleasant, but they will either not understand the 'foreground', or they will develop active malice towards it - which is "incel"

"link & build" i will say ..
"fuck with #TheVision .."

my *literal* vision - my prescription - is a good metaphor for how this tends to play out for me

i am #farsighted - exceptionally so

i was born with ability to see 'background', but not what is "right in front of my face"

this innate preference for 'background' over 'foreground' is especially profoundly problematic for me because i have made my career in a sort of spiritual portraiture. painting many a blurry mona lisa with immaculate detail paid to mountains , trees , distant trails , sky etc.

i have worn "glasses" for most of my life - which let me see the world as others see it, but do not let me hide that i am "not like everybody else."

i do not identify w "nearsighted" ppl either, or ppl who use "reading glasses" - i must wear large frames always, with thick glass

since i moved to nyc last year tho, i began to wear contact lenses for the first time. and these put me in a " #RunTheOp" sort of 'trust the plan' mindset.

i hatched many a scheme over this past year - some succeeded, others failed.. but eventually i ran out of "contact lenses"

since i did not get new "contacts" & i have never had to re-up on them before, i neglected to pick them up while i was overworking myself on my pain.matrix instagram page over the summer

but i risked "blindness" - and i did not take my contacts out for something like 3 months

i could go on with this metaphor into a terrifying amount of personal detail but i will bring my public diatribe on this to a close

anyway, thus far, the story is a tragedy. Lmfao.

i feel great shame @ my appearance for the first time in a long time since i started wearing glasses again

i rarely take pictures of myself, and i try to avoid looking @ myself in the mirror

my body has decayed a lot during this

i am prone to doing some sort of pseud version of dialectical thinking; i had felt that contact lenses would heal this dialectic of mine, of sight / non sight. but i have not tried to get contacts, because now it feels weirdly "dishonest." so i just wear glasses & feel estranged

i just want to paint my landscapes :/