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Let me tell you one really interesting thing about some letters.
I think it only occurs after you've been writing back and forth with someone for a while.
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I think it only occurs after you've been writing back and forth with someone for a while.
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As I've written in the past, after maybe three or four back-and-forth cycles, correspondents seem to relax and open up. Letters are less formal, less rote. They are also funnier and more revealing, usually.
But something else happens.
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But something else happens.
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The correspondents organically develop a sphere of things that are discussable. That sphere is larger than in letter one. Much larger. It doesn't encompass everything in each person's life. But it's more than weather and what's on the news.
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So the correspondents feel some responsibility to report on things in that realm. The letters will often have a primary theme--e.g. "let me tell you about the progress the builders have made on my shed." But then there will be shorter check-ins on other matters in the realm.
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It'll take the form of something like, "It turns out the event I was planning was postponed. I did get that new shirt for our son. Remind me to tell you about our neighbor's trouble with the homeowners association."
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It's a way of keeping the conversation going in a number of different lanes.
One aspect that's interesting is that the person reporting can decide what to share and the other person can seek more info in a follow-up letter.
But this is NOT how face-to-face conversations go.
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One aspect that's interesting is that the person reporting can decide what to share and the other person can seek more info in a follow-up letter.
But this is NOT how face-to-face conversations go.
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In face-to-face engagements, you mutually agree in real time (through explicit and implicit devices) how far to carry a particular strand of a conversation. But in letters, one person has to decide how much to share. Then days or weeks pass before it goes any farther.
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So--and sorry for the long wind-up; here's the pitch--during the check-in portion of the letter, a person can drop a single sentence that is profound or shocking or heartbreaking, and then simply move on to something else or sign off.
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It could be something like "I got the awful diagnosis I was praying would never come."
Or "The firm's restructuring made its way to me. I was let go. I'm 58 and unemployed."
Or "We decided it was time to make use of our life's savings. We're moving to Tuscany in two weeks."
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Or "The firm's restructuring made its way to me. I was let go. I'm 58 and unemployed."
Or "We decided it was time to make use of our life's savings. We're moving to Tuscany in two weeks."
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(For the record, none of these specific things were in any of the letters I've gotten. No secrets are being revealed here. But things not unlike this happen semi-regularly. I was just providing a flavor.)
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This brief, sudden revelation lands hard on the recipient. You want more info. You want to show concern/excitement. But days/weeks will pass.
You also don't know if the sender was being purposely brief, wanting to share no more. Or if s/he was just giving you an update.
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You also don't know if the sender was being purposely brief, wanting to share no more. Or if s/he was just giving you an update.
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I'll leave it at that. There's much more to say about this subject. But you can probably see how very different this type of epistolary exchange is.
It extends a conversation; it allows emotions to cool; it gives sender and receiver time to think about how to proceed, etc.
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It extends a conversation; it allows emotions to cool; it gives sender and receiver time to think about how to proceed, etc.
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I wonder if this is a healthier way of communicating about tough issues--or just a different way? If you share something in person, you're in for a longer conversation you might not be ready for. If you share it on social media, you'll get tons of immediate feedback.
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This slow, incremental, test-the-waters style of sharing has very little immediate gratification--both sides need more. But perhaps when it comes to tough issues, immediate gratification is NOT what's needed.
Maybe there's something to be said for slow, gradual exchange.
~end
Maybe there's something to be said for slow, gradual exchange.
~end
